Sunday, June 23, 2013

Rambling bits of rawness.

Hi loves.. just have been wanting to write, but not knowing even where to start..but here goes. I am just jumping in.

After my last trip to Arizona, a second interview for a job and looking at rentals, I returned to my house in Colorado with a profound and deep sadness.

It's a sadness that is weary, grief and tiredness all wrapped into one.

June has been really intense.

I don't want to move to Arizona, but I love my daughter.
I have never ever been in a space of such polar opposite emotions.
Letting a dream go, and grieving that dream while stepping into and making plans for a different dream and reality.
Grateful for some forward motion, but sad that the new state is coming and the old is passing away.
Puzzle pieces swirling around over my head... opportunities, jobs, homes... forming pictures and then swirling again.

...

I was just having a conversation with my sister tonite, and I was sharing with her some areas I have been choosing to walk in more integrity in..and one of those areas is when I want to check out on life.

I am starting to believe that every season we are in has a lesson to be learned for our good and for the next season of our journey...and God's heart is so that if in one season we don't grasp the lesson, life comes back around and we find our self in a bit of a de ja vu to a season we have been in before. Or it's a life situation that pulls on all the things that another life situation had pulled on.

Something that I did last summer, while we were waiting for pieces to fall together to get to the city we needed to be in, was I checked out.
It's a way of getting lost in a story when I don't like my own.
Through books, movies, t.v. series..
Life got intense last summer.. I had my kids all by myself, in my brother's house, with a sister in law that was in a really hard space in her life, trying to stay small and invisible in their midst as to not put more stress on them, waiting for my hub to get a job, money running out, the clock was ticking.. we needed to move down to another city before the kid's started school.
It was intense if you remember.
I didn't like my story very much and so I jumped into other stories.
Realizing the repercussions of this later..one being that my daughter needed me to help her process, but instead I hid behind a book and checked out on my life.

Oh I was there.. functioning in my roles...but not present at all.

Fast forward to now.
Same situation just in reverse with some grief, relief and sorrow thrown in.
My ego is longing for a distraction... another story to jump into, but I have come into the realization that there are so many things that I need to learn...gifts and gems to discover along the way, inside the intensity of longing, grieving, letting go, hoping, dreaming, stepping towards, waiting, trusting, surrender, and staying intentionally open hearted.
So my intention is set to awareness and being present.
I am not saying that loving other's stories is wrong, or that enjoying the indulgence of that is wrong. It's something more then that for me in this space.. and I have to tell you.. I do not want to come around this mountain again.
It's a doozy.
And I want to see and grasp all that God has for me inside this season. I want to move forward from it.
There has been some sugar involved at times.. but no checking out or prolonged numbing.
Integrity is a word that keeps coming up and for me, in this space, integrity in life is me showing up each day and choosing to trust that know matter what happens, God has the good of my family and myself at the heart of this next season we are stepping into.

So it's all just right here on my chest. I cry all the time. The smallest little something will tilt me into a sob fest. I am good in the midst just really raw.

My most difficult day was this past week... I went to Arizona for the 3rd time for a 2nd job interview. A job that I reeeeally want. I did stay for a week to enjoy some time with family and friends. Went and looked at some houses. A home jumped up that is in the exact neighborhood and has the exact floor plan to our old beloved house. Ran into snags with scheduling to see the inside of the house. Gah. Frustrating. (more waiting)

I noticed on my way back a sadness had settled in. I had gotten some confusing news back from the job I had interviewed for. Not bad news, but just a " we are holding for a bit for the 3rd interview until we get blah blah blah in order" kind of news. (more waiting).. and I could feel this 'give up' want to happen inside. Not surrender but give up.
I was so tired when I got home. Work was intense from the get go. I would wake up tired...go to work and come home tired... sleep.. and then go to bed early exhausted.
This happened all last week.

A thought came gently breezing in a couple days ago that right after a intense week of emotion, breakthrough always comes.  That brought me peace, because it's so true.

So, loves... still waiting.

My hubby just called (he is in AZ for a school program interview) and he was able to walk through that house that we loved in our old beloved neighborhood. He said it was weird to be walking through a house that was identical to our old house. He said he didn't know if he liked it. That's interesting. lol!
And I am still waiting to hear back from that job on when I can come for my last interview.
We are set to move back to Arizona the 3rd week in July at the latest...sooner if I am hired by the company I am interviewing for.

So I have been comforting myself intentionally this week. Just some self love like going to the mountains and spending some time at a gorgeous creek that we frequented so much last year. Stayed with my brother and sister in law, who are amazing and wonderful. We stayed up late and drank wine and laughed and I cried and they listened.
I called my sister on the way home and we laughed and talked about everything. I gave myself the gift of sleep, instead of fighting the tiredness, I went to bed and napped a lot this past week. I also did my nails and bought myself some makeup. I colored my hair and got up on my days off and got my most fun clothes on and put my makeup on.
I stayed present and have really tried not to be grumpy to my kids, and get out with them to burn off some of their energy. I took them to their favorite pet store..we swim, and play. I encourage myself everyday by doing something that sets my intention and centers me..be it music, inspirational books, quotes, poems, conversations with life giving people, youtube videos...whatever I can find to encourage myself, I do it.
I have been reading, but not story books. More spiritual and self help kind of books. They encourage me, but I don't get lost in them. I take care of my home and plan meals. Love my hubby and babes and life goes forward. 

I am ok tho... despite the unknowns of today, I am really ok.

Rain said something recently over a text conversation we were having and I thought about it this week... it was just a simple comment about being in a season that required her to be careful with where she asserts her energy. This week I thought about that and thought,  " yep. that's what I am doing too."  There is a sense of protectiveness over my energy. I feel an abundant amount is going to staying present, loving my family and working, feeling my emotions and planning for the future. So my blog reading is sparce.. I get overwhelmed easily and say no to a lot these days. I don't return a lot of phone calls unless they are to people that I don't have to catch up on life. I don't counsel people in drama. I hang out with people that bring life and aren't life suckers.
Conserve and selective with my energy and resources is so key to life right now.
It won't forever be this way.
I so get what she was saying.

I want to gather the gifts of this season, and there are so many.
That is my intention. That is my gauge.
God, awaken me to the gifts and the treasures of wisdom that are hidden in this season.

so. that is a bit of what is going on. I miss you, loves.

Let me know how you are doing? Sending you love and light tonite... xoxoxo

Amy

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