Friday, April 5, 2013

Waiting. Dreaming. and Letting Go.


The past couple weeks have been dooooozy weeks for this girl.

"Why?", you ask.

Oh just this de ja vu season of waiting that feels identical to last years waiting season.

One season was waiting to come from Arizona to Colorado... then when we were in Colorado, it was waiting to get to the city we wanted to live in.

aaaand, now it's waiting for all the pieces to come together to move from Colorado back to Arizona.

It's pretty wild actually?

I am ok in it tho...just really really having to be purposeful about staying centered, and not letting my head run away screaming and pulling my hair out.

Unknowns are really interesting.

Maybe you too are in a season of unknowns... a season where all these little pieces are floating around in the air, and your heart is full of desire for them to fall in certain ways...yet, you also are wanting to stay open to whatever the Universe might want to bring as well.

That is the space.

I will share more with you about the details of everything, but for now I am holding things close to my heart.
I feel at times, when these types of desires are present, and life is beginning to line up with them, speaking them too soon sends something out. I am not sure what it is, but I feel good just keeping them close to me for now.

But what I wanted to share, especially now that I am smack dab in the middle of this "unknown/waiting" season, is this space of balance. being right smack dab in the middle where peace resides.
It's really wild... and I am there this morning... not looking at a whole lot in life or the pieces that floating around, just here. present. in this moment with you writing about this.
It's delicate.
It's intense.

I had a bit of a 'ah ha' moment last night that has helped me so much, but taking something that I find I HAVE to do is time to make moments of stillness and being have been HUGE on the daily agenda. Journaling a LOT. Stillness and breathing a LOT.
If I check out for too long, in a tv show or online, my center disappears  And my ego/head start running the opposite direction, pulling my hair out. I know that's a terrible description . ha, but seriously it wants to throw a huge fit, saying, "why why why do I deserve this?", scream and throw itself on the floor, cry and cry and not go with the flow of life AT all. Yeah... so it's not pretty. I have run off with it, and it has taken a lot to get back to center.
My center is peace and letting go. Abiding here is where I want to be. Again, I feel it's a space where I am having to be intentional with gently guiding my ego/head back to... I shush it a lot, like a mother shushes a baby.... When worry thoughts come, I just choose a new thought about surrender and trust, and breathe gently and here. I am. (breathe out)

So my ' ah ha ' I wanted to share with you is about desire and longing inside a season of waiting.

Something I feel pulled towards and encouraged to do is dream.. dream from the desires in my heart. Dream awake. Watch the dreams that are in my heart unfold in my mind by using my imagination. What will it look like when I get this call and that invitation? Play it all out.
The past two weeks when I have been doing this, anxiety becomes present. And no matter what I do, the anxiety does not let up.
Fear rises up and brings the tension and the agitation of, " Why are you doing that? What if it doesn't happen and your heart is in this space of believing that this dream will actually happen? You are going to be wide open to let down and disappointment. No don't do it."
When the fear arises, the anxiety is present. There is tightness. I can't breathe anymore. My ego/head wants to run away you get the idea.

Last night, I had taken time to meditate that morning, journaled the night before.. I was washing the dishes and there it was. It came. A solution.
The epiphany is that I Am to dream and let it all play out as my heart desires for it to play out, while I keep my hands open and don't clench them around the dreams.
Does that make sense?
There is also inside the dreaming and desires a open handedness and a letting go. Letting what unfolds in the natural unfold as it will. Will there be emotions? Yes. Will there be vulnerability? Yes. But it's ok. I am safe. I can handle the emotions that come when they come, should they come, whatever they might be.

This all landed inside of me with wet hands and soapy dishes.
I had to run up to my room, rehearsing what was just placed in my heart quickly.. because I could feel it wanting to float wasn't solid in me yet. Have you ever had that happen??
I find that I need to write it down. So I can see it, read it over and over again, let it's settle inside me.

So that is what I did... I quick dried my hands, ran upstairs and grabbed my journal, and wrote it all out.
Then this overwhelming cry from within came..  " Help me. Please help me with this."
In my personality, I am so passionate about things... so passionate about what I know in my heart, that to even think it won't happen feels devastating. Dreaming feels VERY vulnerable for me because of my passionate disposition. This is a whole new area for actually let myself dream.

A whisper came back... " Trust. Surrender."

I just wanted to take some time before headed out to work to share this with you. Sorry for the typos. ;)

I know if I am walking this out right now, then somebody else is too. May this bring your heart life and encouragement knowing you are not alone.

Grace and peace to you today..


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