Today, I was sitting with my sweet family. and something dawned on me.
We have gone through so much.. and the perspective of then versus the perspective of now is the difference between scared and sacred.
Let me explain.
In religion we are taught to gauge and measure our connection to God by the lack of suffering in our life.
Is life going good? God is near and you are in His good favor.
Is life going bad? Uh oh... God has shut you off, and you are wide open to all kinds of death and curses in your life.
And all of this is contingent on what we DO for God.
Tithes and offerings.
There is so much banking on all of that.
I remember getting up to lead worship one Sunday morning, and I hadn't had any quiet time all week. I had just yelled at my kids, and had been lying to my husband about my spending on a credit card he didn't know about. I felt so dirty. So distant from God. I just knew God was so far from me..that God wasn't going to show up and the whole service was going to suck because of me.
There it is... the gauge.
I do, so God does.
That's the number of dollars we were rewarded for our time and service each year inside religion.
And what is really funny is that we had no idea what 65,000 dollars looked like.
No grasp at all as to how much work it really takes to earn that much money each year.
That's the number of dollars we made last year in 2012.
Perspective: I now know exactly what 65,000 dollars looks like, and how much work it takes to make that much.
Inside religion we were so coddled.
A part of the special club.
Wined, dined and whispered about.
We were the desired ones. The ones every body wanted to know.
Rock stars in our own little space in the world.
We were addicted.
It was like a drug. the money. the recognition. the value.
1000% in over our head addicted to. it. all.
Fast forward to this year.
Here is how our lives look to on lookers...
We have moved to a new state without jobs or a home.
We don't go to church, have quiet time OR read our Bibles.
We did find jobs, but they are small wage jobs...just over minimum wage.
We are on food assistance and state insurance.
I go to food banks to help feed my family.
We live pay check to pay check.
My daughter has gone to dark places.
We found out she has been cutting herself and contemplating suicide.
We are in counseling.
We are moving back to our home state after just a year of being in the new one.
We are hoping to have jobs, but don't know.
We are hoping to have a home, but don't know.
It's déjà vu all over again.
Starting over. again.
Now, my perspective inside religion would have been one of fear.
Scared. Failure. Cut off from God.
What did I do wrong??
I would have been on the floor writhing, crying out to God as to what I have done.
Repenting of leaving the church and for not believing a lot of the Christianity that I was raised in.
I would have then gone to the full opposite side of the spectrum and gone demon hunting.
Rebuking this spirit and that demon.
Throwing out our Harry Potter books and movies... all music not pointing to God.
All the time thinking that I.. me, had brought this on our house hold.
Doomed and damned by my own actions.
So God didn't.
I chuckle at that thought because of the abundant wealth that we have acquired here in this new land.
You can see all the facts...and if you had been talking to anybody from our old stomping grounds that knew about our situation, you would have gotten this perspective. I am sure there are those that do have this perspective of the S family and their falling away. So sad. So deserving of all that we have heaped on our own heads.
Things are not always as they seem.
I call our time and everything that has transpired this past year...sacred.
Awakening has happened in both my hub and my life in areas that we have been asleep in.
Unraveled. Unfettered. Set Free. Cared for. Loved.
I don't blame myself for any of this. I don't blame God either.
In fact, there is nothing to blame on anybody.
It is all so good. so beautiful. so sacred.
If anything I feel God has led us here..not through some weird, " Thus say'eth the Lord" way..but through the dreams and desires of our hearts.
We have lived in the days of miracles being here.
Money, food, and clothing has come in ways we could have never created for ourselves. Through strangers, and people thousands of miles away, who didn't know our situation. We have never told anybody anything, of our needs... because we knew in our hearts we were so cared for and looked after.
We chose this.. we wanted this. and this is the space and place we needed to come to to so that we could see. hear. remember who we are. who God is.
This move to Colorado was our first big freedom choice.. it was like being set free from slavery and getting to make our first move inside freedom.
The cage was opened and we were flying. Flying with nobody to catch us from a fall..or coddle us back to safety.
Free to make our way. Free to choose without "doing it wrong". Free to find out who we are outside of the roles we played in religion.
Free to meet people.. to know that I am like-able and funny... I am liked and loved for me..not for my rock star status.
Free to work hard, so that I could have the perspective of exactly what $1.00 dollar looks like.
Tho they may be simple jobs, we get to work them. We get to make our way with our hearts at the lead.
We get to learn from our hearts, to dream and be completely away from critical eyes and judgement.
Just the freedom in THAT right there has been so healing.. to be and grow, hash and shed all the conditioning of the religion we were both marinated in... away from criticism and judging eyes.
To know that we co-create our lives. from our hearts. our dreams. our desires.
To gain vision and clarity.
There is a so much new freedom we have found.
Freedom to be US... and live life as US... the human being Bobby and Amy, not the roles of Bobby and Amy.
Free to be the family we want to be. with nobody watching.
Free to be the lovers and life partners that WE are...not some mold of what we should be or what married life should look like..but just us. together. bringing into this world the flavor of OUR love relationship.
Free to love and find the beauty in our simple life.
Free to not judge our life or each other..but just accept and unconditionally love.
Free to be the mom my children need, that my daughter needs me to be..to learn from her, to hear her, to see her.
Breakthroughs. Awakenings. Clarity. Truth. Freedom. Individuality.
The treasures of our time here are so great. It would take so many pages to unfold them all, but there is just a taste.
The whisper I hear in my heart over and over..it's an echo in my soul...
"Beloved... you can't do anything wrong. Keep moving forward and following your heart."
There is NO do or not do..so that God does or doesn't do.
there is just now. God. and. me. and this journey.
And what that looks like for you, will look completely different from what it looks like for me.
But truely.. That is as simple as it is.
All life is sacred.
All seasons are sacred.
They all have their purpose.
There is no gauge. no more measuring stick.
There is no more fear. Just love.
There is only the precious truth that I am never alone. I can't do anything wrong. I am loved and I am valued.
and that is what is.
There is beauty to be found in all that comes if I am awake to see..suffering and abundance can walk hand in hand.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and have such gratitude for this time here in Colorado.
I would not change it for the world.. not one thing.
Such incredible wealth we carry in our hearts as we end our time here.
So very grateful.
There is no do or not do... you simply are loved.
that is so very good.
Can you see the difference?