Sunday, March 31, 2013

What this Easter means to me.. April 2013

Good morning to you this light filled Easter morning :)

Read this post by Called to Question... and was reminded of so much this morning.

I am so reminded of this gorgeous gift called freedom.
I love it so very much.
Freedom live free in the wild...outside of any cages or mindsets.
Completely wild and free, outside of the walls of religion in the wide blue open.
Following the magnificence of God's presence that dwells inside my heart.
Lover of the Light.
Being lead to food and water when I need it.
Enjoying the wholeness that continues to come to my mind and soul.

Resurrection is the word used for this day.

And I definitely FEEL resurrected.

Tho I will not be attending a service this morning.. and I don't quite know what to do with Jesus these days.
I have been thinking about Him.
The beauty and truth He brought to the earth.
The unconditional love He showed to all who's paths He crossed.
His life, death and resurrection speak to me of so much.

Jesus was so real to me as a child. He was the part of God that was safe to me.
Jesus signified the kindness, compassion and unconditional love of God. 
He truly was one of my best friends. 
I remember many times singing to Him, dancing for Him, talking to Him...longing for Him to see me and find pleasure and delight in me.
I always felt that He did.
I so appreciate that gift from God, even tho today, I am still hashing out my thoughts on this person called Jesus. 
I love that I felt seen by Him, and therefore seen by God.

Our Easter weekend this year has been one that has been the most freedom filled. No obligations or traditions outside of the one's we are making. Really just intentional and love filled. 
We colored eggs yesterday, spent time just talking and enjoying the sunshine, went to the park, laughed until we were all crying, we had my families favorite breakfast casserole for dinner... 
This morning my kid's found their Easter baskets, my hub took my son to the park to throw his new glider airplane, while my littlest is painting her sun catchers right next to me as I write, and my oldest is sleeping still..taking in her last morning of sleeping in. 
We are going to go to Denver and have lunch with my brother and sis-in-law, then scoot back home for a Easter egg hunt.
I think for the first time, it was the Easter weekend that was simply us. our flavor. our traditions.
It's given me much to think on as we return back home soon to Arizona.

Just some heart rumblings this morning as I think on Resurrection Sunday (Easter) and what it stirs inside me this April 2013.

May your day be filled with the beauty that is you and your family.

BIG x's and o's.


Friday, March 29, 2013

Dear judgmental crowd...

Dear judgmental crowd I am moving back to,

I know it's hard for you to look at my life and the different choices I have made and equate God in all of this. 
It's ok.
Because God isn't going to speak to you about my life.
God is going to speak to ME about my life.
So be at peace, avert your eyes and focus on your own path.
Listen to God about your own life and choices.
You can't see or hear what I see for me.



Sunday, March 24, 2013

Scared. or. Sacred.

Today, I was sitting with my sweet family. and something dawned on me.
We have gone through so much.. and the perspective of then versus the perspective of now is the difference between scared and sacred.

Let me explain.

In religion we are taught to gauge and measure our connection to God by the lack of suffering in our life.
Is life going good? God is near and you are in His good favor.
Is life going bad? Uh oh... God has shut you off, and you are wide open to all kinds of death and curses in your life.

And all of this is contingent on what we DO for God.

Bible time.
Church services.
Life groups.
Tithes and offerings.
Emotional experiences.

There is so much banking on all of that.

I remember getting up to lead worship one Sunday morning, and I hadn't had any quiet time all week. I had just yelled at my kids, and had been lying to my husband about my spending on a credit card he didn't know about. I felt so dirty. So distant from God. I just knew God was so far from me..that God wasn't going to show up and the whole service was going to suck because of me.

There it is... the gauge.

I do, so God does.


That's the number of dollars we were rewarded for our time and service each year inside religion.

And what is really funny is that we had no idea what 65,000 dollars looked like.
No idea.
No grasp at all as to how much work it really takes to earn that much money each year.


That's the number of dollars we made last year in 2012.

Really amazing.

Perspective: I now know exactly what 65,000 dollars looks like, and how much work it takes to make that much.

Inside religion we were so coddled.
A part of the special club.
Wined, dined and whispered about.
We were the desired ones. The ones every body wanted to know.
Rock stars in our own little space in the world.
We were addicted.
It was like a drug. the money. the recognition. the value.
1000% in over our head addicted to. it. all.

Fast forward to this year.
Here is how our lives look to on lookers...

We have moved to a new state without jobs or a home.
We don't go to church, have quiet time OR read our Bibles.
We did find jobs, but they are small wage jobs...just over minimum wage.
We are on food assistance and state insurance.
I go to food banks to help feed my family.
We live pay check to pay check.
My daughter has gone to dark places.
We found out she has been cutting herself and contemplating suicide.
We are in counseling.
We are moving back to our home state after just a year of being in the new one.
We are hoping to have jobs, but don't know.
We are hoping to have a home, but don't know.
It's déjà vu all over again.
Starting over. again.

Now, my perspective inside religion would have been one of fear.
Scared. Failure. Cut off from God.

What did I do wrong??

I would have been on the floor writhing, crying out to God as to what I have done.
Repenting of leaving the church and for not believing a lot of the Christianity that I was raised in.
I would have then gone to the full opposite side of the spectrum and gone demon hunting.
Rebuking this spirit and that demon.
Throwing out our Harry Potter books and movies... all music not pointing to God.
All the time thinking that I.. me, had brought this on our house hold.
Doomed and damned by my own actions.

I didn't. 
So God didn't.

I chuckle at that thought because of the abundant wealth that we have acquired here in this new land.
You can see all the facts...and if you had been talking to anybody from our old stomping grounds that knew about our situation, you would have gotten this perspective. I am sure there are those that do have this perspective of the S family and their falling away. So sad. So deserving of all that we have heaped on our own heads.


Things are not always as they seem.
I call our time and everything that has transpired this past year...sacred.

Awakening has happened in both my hub and my life in areas that we have been asleep in.
Unraveled. Unfettered. Set Free. Cared for. Loved.

yes. sacred.

I don't blame myself for any of this. I don't blame God either.
In fact, there is nothing to blame on anybody.
It is all so good. so beautiful. so sacred.
If anything I feel God has led us here..not through some weird, " Thus say'eth the Lord" way..but through the dreams and desires of our hearts.
We have lived in the days of miracles being here.
Money, food, and clothing has come in ways we could have never created for ourselves. Through strangers, and people thousands of miles away, who didn't know our situation. We have never told anybody anything, of our needs... because we knew in our hearts we were so cared for and looked after.

We chose this.. we wanted this. and this is the space and place we needed to come to to so that we could see. hear. remember who we are. who God is.

This move to Colorado was our first big freedom choice.. it was like being set free from slavery and getting to make our first move inside freedom.

The cage was opened and we were flying. Flying with nobody to catch us from a fall..or coddle us back to safety.

Free to make our way. Free to choose without "doing it wrong". Free to find out who we are outside of the roles we played in religion.
Free to meet people.. to know that I am like-able and funny... I am liked and loved for me..not for my rock star status.

Free to work hard, so that I could have the perspective of exactly what $1.00 dollar looks like.
Tho they may be simple jobs, we get to work them. We get to make our way with our hearts at the lead.
We get to learn from our hearts, to dream and be completely away from critical eyes and judgement.
Just the freedom in THAT right there has been so healing.. to be and grow, hash and shed all the conditioning of the religion we were both marinated in... away from criticism and judging eyes.
To know that we co-create our lives. from our hearts. our dreams. our desires.
To gain vision and clarity.

There is a so much new freedom we have found.
Freedom to be US... and live life as US... the human being Bobby and Amy, not the roles of Bobby and Amy.
Free to be the family we want to be. with nobody watching.
Free to be the lovers and life partners that WE are...not some mold of what we should be or what married life should look like..but just us. together. bringing into this world the flavor of OUR love relationship.
Free to love and find the beauty in our simple life.
Free to not judge our life or each other..but just accept and unconditionally love.
Free to be the mom my children need, that my daughter needs me to learn from her, to hear her, to see her.
love her.
Breakthroughs. Awakenings. Clarity. Truth. Freedom. Individuality.

The treasures of our time here are so great. It would take so many pages to unfold them all, but there is just a taste.

The whisper I hear in my heart over and's an echo in my soul...
"Beloved... you can't do anything wrong. Keep moving forward and following your heart."

There is NO do or not that God does or doesn't do.

there is just now. God. and. me. and this journey.
And what that looks like for you, will look completely different from what it looks like for me.

But truely.. That is as simple as it is.

All life is sacred.
All seasons are sacred.
They all have their purpose.
There is no gauge. no more measuring stick.
There is no more fear. Just love.
There is only the precious truth that I am never alone. I can't do anything wrong. I am loved and I am valued.
and that is what is.
There is beauty to be found in all that comes if I am awake to see..suffering and abundance can walk hand in hand.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and have such gratitude for this time here in Colorado.
I would not change it for the world.. not one thing.
Such incredible wealth we carry in our hearts as we end our time here.
So very grateful.

Remember, loves..
You are.
There is no do or not do... you simply are loved.

that is so very good.

Can you see the difference?




Monday, March 18, 2013

Happy Monday...

One of my most favorite authors in the world, Brene' Brown was on Oprah this past weekend...
I don't have cable, but was able to watch the full interview online.. my gosh, such an incredible interview!!

Wanted to share a link to the full episode!

There were some amazingly powerful thoughts on this.. I want to go back with pen and paper and write them down!

I have read every single one of Brene's books... they were seriously life changers for me!

Highly recommend each of them, but I think my all time fave was " The Gifts of Imperfections".

If you haven't had a chance to read any of her books, go out and get one right away! You will be so glad you did!

Beauty filled day to you!


Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I heard this yesterday and my heart about burst out of my chest...
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. 
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. 
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. 
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. 
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. 
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

~ Buddha

This quote resounds so loudly in my heart... it speaks to me of everything I have been walking out and learning.

This is what this quote speaks to me...

Do not believe anything simply because somebody has said it.


YOU look at it, research it, experience it, try it on.... and if it benefits, if it fits, is peaceful to your heart, and is good for you, your family.. the whole, then live in it.



I think the truest definition of freedom is in this opportunity to actually GET to formulate your own thoughts on things. We don't have to swallow something whole simply because an esteemed person in our life says we should. But we get to walk freely and experience life and God and come to a place of knowing inside.

You GET to experience life, and God, and love.
You GET to think your own thoughts.

And when you DO, it will take you way past a head belief to that knowing space in your heart.

For example... 

If I asked you... "What does a mango look like? Taste like? Feel like? Smell like?

You could tell me it's sweet.. it's smooth, it's oval and smells like it tastes.

I could ask another person, and they could say... it's bitter and very sour, it's very sharp and prickly, and it's square.

Which do I believe? I could believe either answer really...but I don't really KNOW anything.

Not until I experience the mango myself will I KNOW what it tastes, smells, feels, and looks like.

Then I can formulate how I feel about it, and if I like it... if it benefits or if it doesn't.


This thought from Buddha is my life mantra.

For far too long, I lived inside other people's beliefs.. and in doing so I was caged inside a box that was death to my heart.
Then the box was sealed with fear, so as to keep me safe inside and never questioning.
Never question the box.. or the book that the box was created around... never questioning what I have been told and how I should live, and how I should be.
Only believe these sets of rules and guidelines.. only go as far as the box.


We forget that even in the Bible, all the stories we were taught as children, and read to in sermon's were all other people's experiences in life with God.

They are not your experiences nor are they mine.

They are OTHER people's.

The more I live, the more I see that God is meant to be experienced.
Life was meant to be lived and experienced.

As human beings, we learn best by trying things and learning from our mistakes.

So I made a decision.. a deep life decision..

I will know longer live and believe according to what others have experienced of life and God, nor what others tell me.

I will only live inside the knowledge of all that I experience of  life and God.
Because it's inside the experience that the knowing lives.

Oh I know I know... Fear says, "What have I done?? You are going to run off and make all these baaaaad choices and do all these baaaad things."

coughcough... um no.

I love that last part that Buddha adds.. "and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
Because my life choices affect so many... so if it is beneficial to. the. whole.
Meaning.. my husband and children.. my friend and family.. my world around me.
Those who are affected by my life choices.
Yes ;)


Just some thoughts today... wanted to share this with you.



Notes from the Edge...Day 1531 of not tithing....

Today, I can't help but look with awe at my life and the incredible abundance my husband and I live in.

Every bill is paid every month.
There is food on our table.
We have a house over our head and electricity to keep us warm at night.

God is so good to us, and I am so grateful for this abundance.

And you want to know what....

We haven't tithed to the "church" for 1,531 days.

Ain't that a kick in the pants!


Just thought you should know....