Thursday, February 7, 2013

So.. what's holding you back?

A few night ago, lavishing in the love and comfort of my lovers arms...

Beauty. Breath. Silence.

In the midst of such a delicious and sacred time.. the after glow of vulnerability and rest... a question came like a force of electricity straight to my heart.

"What's holding you back?"

And in that moment.
I knew what that question was referring to.
Not this moment of intimacy, but something that has been hiding inside...just under the surface..
It was a question that was aimed straight at my dreams, at the opportunity to create, and at living the life I desire to live inside.
I keep it all pressed down.
Oh I definitely pull them out every once and awhile, and look at them, imagine them, but then I put them away.

"I'm afraid." a small voice from within said.
"If I let go... if I step into these dreams..and become this person living these dreams what will people think...what about my eternity...what if I am being deceived... what if.. I have it all wrong?"

and a rush of tears came and swelled in my eyes... tears ran down my cheeks...and sobs began to shake my shoulders.

I realized in that moment I keep myself "safe".
Safe TO people.
My outward cushion that I keep myself insulated with, so as to not scare away men with my curves, my sensuality, and my sexuality.
Or in my talk...not being to vocal, but always weighing people..their tones, their comfort levels, their conversation style..

Safe. to. people.
So.
that.
I.
am.
not.
too.
overwhelming.

too.
offensive.

too.
great.

too
much.

I stay small and comfortable for people so that they feel safe...and so that I don't feel...

alone.

~~~~~~

Recently, I heard a conversation.. I can't even tell you the exact wording of it, but the concept won't leave me alone.

It goes something like this...

Very few people are the actual original authors of their own thoughts.
Most people's thoughts come from other people.
Maybe a parent, a teacher, professor, author, pastor, rabbi, etc.. and even those people's thoughts came from ancient writings.
We really don't THINK our own thoughts, and it's such a sad shame because the very beauty and gift of free will is that we GET to think and formulate our own thoughts about life, love, God, everything!

I am so challenged by this because, it uncovers me.
My longing for validation..that I am ok. that I am on the "right" path. that I am acceptable and swallowable.
I am always seeking words and thoughts that are equal to the path that I am on to validate and make me feel safe.

It challenges me in my own thoughts.. which ones have I originated?
Which have come from me and my heart?
Not many.
I do think that some words from others.. and some thoughts from others encourage us, and spur us towards listening to our own hearts and then empowering us to think our own thoughts and create.
But to THINK my own thoughts...or be the author of my own life and thoughts is SUCH a challenge to me.
It's a pebble inside me.. like a piece of sand inside an oyster. It's mulling itself around, irritating me..bumping inside of me, scraping and causing so much good discomfort.

It brings me back to that question again... "What's holding you back?"

Me.
I am holding me back.

My fear because of what I have heard from other's and THEIR thoughts on God and life.
About eternity outside of religion's God...about keeping myself a "safe" person to people.. not too out there.. not too free, so that I can feel accepted and validated even if it is temporal and not real.

~~~~~~
I saw a picture of a bird...flying and it had two strings tied to each leg...
It was in the air, but flying like a kite.
Not really free. flying yes. but not free and flittering around in it's bliss and beauty.
It was getting frustrated.. it's desire to fly free and unfettered.
It was me.

So.
My beautiful friends..

The question.. "What's holding YOU back?"

xo

Amy

4 comments:

  1. I cried again through this one, Amy. I understand. I am the same. I'm just starting to realize this. I'm just on the brink of knowing that I too keep myself safe and in the process, I died. I look alive, I have my alive times but all those questions you asked yourself like the what if I have it all wrong? I asked myself that too and then.. I watched a youtube video on the universe.. about how big it really is and how we are a wee little planet and watching, I realized that surely we can't get it right, ever. how do we really know? we just don't but if we don't question and doubt and breathe and throw our hands to the wild winds, we won't ever really really live and in living we find our own truth. xoxoox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I drew a picture in my journal a few years ago that God used to show me this very idea. It was a kite flying high. And God said to me "Cut the string." I realized I and only I could set me free. So I've been sawing away at that string ever since.

      Beautiful, magnificent, irreplaceable Amy, you are a gift. Fly free. The cage is open!

      Delete
  2. beautiful my friend
    read this a few days ago
    finally have time to respond
    I live this truth
    I am the only thing that holds me back
    my self doubt
    my conditioning
    my allowing fear to get the best of me

    I have found it is a constant dying to self...sometimes daily to walk through these things and live free

    love to you
    love and light

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. I resemble most of what you've written here. This is a place I am struggling through, as well. I feel like I really need to get in touch with ME. Am I living the life I want and yearn to live? No. And like you, I am the one holding me back. BUT... the thing is we're no longer living in denial. We are seeing what is going on, and where we are, the road before us. And we know we are powerful and able to make the necessary decisions to shake free of the strings we've surrendered to in the past.

    One of my favorite things about this journey with God... His love is ever leading us to be free, and free-er still.

    Much love to you, my friend. Thank you so much for sharing your life and journey. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete