Thursday, February 7, 2013

So.. what's holding you back?

A few night ago, lavishing in the love and comfort of my lovers arms...

Beauty. Breath. Silence.

In the midst of such a delicious and sacred time.. the after glow of vulnerability and rest... a question came like a force of electricity straight to my heart.

"What's holding you back?"

And in that moment.
I knew what that question was referring to.
Not this moment of intimacy, but something that has been hiding inside...just under the surface..
It was a question that was aimed straight at my dreams, at the opportunity to create, and at living the life I desire to live inside.
I keep it all pressed down.
Oh I definitely pull them out every once and awhile, and look at them, imagine them, but then I put them away.

"I'm afraid." a small voice from within said.
"If I let go... if I step into these dreams..and become this person living these dreams what will people think...what about my eternity...what if I am being deceived... what if.. I have it all wrong?"

and a rush of tears came and swelled in my eyes... tears ran down my cheeks...and sobs began to shake my shoulders.

I realized in that moment I keep myself "safe".
Safe TO people.
My outward cushion that I keep myself insulated with, so as to not scare away men with my curves, my sensuality, and my sexuality.
Or in my talk...not being to vocal, but always weighing people..their tones, their comfort levels, their conversation style..

Safe. to. people.




I stay small and comfortable for people so that they feel safe...and so that I don't feel...



Recently, I heard a conversation.. I can't even tell you the exact wording of it, but the concept won't leave me alone.

It goes something like this...

Very few people are the actual original authors of their own thoughts.
Most people's thoughts come from other people.
Maybe a parent, a teacher, professor, author, pastor, rabbi, etc.. and even those people's thoughts came from ancient writings.
We really don't THINK our own thoughts, and it's such a sad shame because the very beauty and gift of free will is that we GET to think and formulate our own thoughts about life, love, God, everything!

I am so challenged by this because, it uncovers me.
My longing for validation..that I am ok. that I am on the "right" path. that I am acceptable and swallowable.
I am always seeking words and thoughts that are equal to the path that I am on to validate and make me feel safe.

It challenges me in my own thoughts.. which ones have I originated?
Which have come from me and my heart?
Not many.
I do think that some words from others.. and some thoughts from others encourage us, and spur us towards listening to our own hearts and then empowering us to think our own thoughts and create.
But to THINK my own thoughts...or be the author of my own life and thoughts is SUCH a challenge to me.
It's a pebble inside me.. like a piece of sand inside an oyster. It's mulling itself around, irritating me..bumping inside of me, scraping and causing so much good discomfort.

It brings me back to that question again... "What's holding you back?"

I am holding me back.

My fear because of what I have heard from other's and THEIR thoughts on God and life.
About eternity outside of religion's God...about keeping myself a "safe" person to people.. not too out there.. not too free, so that I can feel accepted and validated even if it is temporal and not real.

I saw a picture of a bird...flying and it had two strings tied to each leg...
It was in the air, but flying like a kite.
Not really free. flying yes. but not free and flittering around in it's bliss and beauty.
It was getting frustrated.. it's desire to fly free and unfettered.
It was me.

My beautiful friends..

The question.. "What's holding YOU back?"



Monday, February 4, 2013


Don't know what happened.. but woo wee, this girl has gone into an intense bit of grieving.

Was fine until PMS week hit, and woosh..down down I went.

It's ok.

I mean.

I don't like hard feelings, but it definitely is a great time to embrace what is hard and just let it run eb and flow.

Thought it would go away after pms was over.. I always spring right back,  but noooot so much.

It's still here.

The grief. The loss. And the letting go.

I want to let go. I want to see brightly into the future, but am realizing first I have to visit with the grief of losing this beautiful state, and the dreams we have made here.
The dreams that we were stepping towards.

My chest is tight.
My tummy a mess.
I think I have been shocked and in "get my baby out of danger" mode.
But now, as everything is settling in, I find I am just sad.

It will be ok.
I will be ok.

Just breathing. and being. and crying.

love to you.