I received a note from a friend... it stirred my heart so deeply.
And this blog post comes from that stirring..
I know there are people..people even right now reading this post that have walked through deeper waters then I, and have had much more damage done to their hearts.
In my own heart, in this journey and awakening, I am coming into a place where I am realizing just how bound up and shut down, and silenced I was.
Like I had been walking around in this fog, groggy from sleep... like I was in this fantasy land of "happy" that I created for myself, that was slowly beginning to deteriorate.
And the more I tried to keep the facade up and keep my happy-land going, the more depressed I got.
I couldn't understand why... if I was doing everything right for God, why was I so sad..and why did I continue to get sadder.
Truly, when I look at my old life now, it was like I had been bound and gagged my whole life..so much pain. I would cry out in my chains... full of pain and despair...bewildered at what more I must do to be happy, to find peace and please God.
I would cry out in the midst of all my secret addictions, my exhausted doings for God, and all that I had used to cope and numb my pain.
Now that I look back, Love was always there.
But this time, I was ready to hear and see.
This was different from all my religious verbage, and trying to whoop myself up emotionally.. the very sound of Love was different then anything I had ever known. I had tasted little bits here and there, but this was different.
Love came and began to slowly unravel and unwind the chains that had bound me up...and gently removed the gag from my mouth, and spoke and breathed life over me.
Again and again and again.
He revealed truth to me, and would wash it over me until I could grasp it...until I believed it.
Love showed me how trustworthy He was, and never forced me to trust, but just showed me over and again that I could.
So tender and kind and so unhurried and patient.. so accepting.
About 5 years ago... I had a picture.
Love was standing in the corner of my kitchen with his hand cupped over something..it was a little box, but unlike the picture I posted above, He had His hands completely cupped over it....and He was so giddy with excitement.
"What is it?", I asked.
He looked up with a twinkle and sparkle in His eye... "It's a gift...a gift for you."
"But I can't give it to you yet... but I will tell you one thing... you are gonna love it."
The impression I had was everything in Him wished He could give it over right then and there, but that it just wasn't time yet.
What's so funny about that time in my life is that my hub and I were big time in ministry. Leading worship all over the state at our home church, conferences and retreats. We were rockstars in our own little world of Christianity. We had begun to get restless in this season. Just frustration, dissatisfaction, and depression.
So here I am standing there with Him in the kitchen thinking the gift was a bigger and better ministry...new state..traveling..more money...lol!
I have not thought of that particular picture in a long time.
My sister was in town last weekend visiting, and she was sharing a intense conversation she had recently with my dad.
She is sharing the details of the conversation and I just start having all these "ah ha" kind of dawnings happen.
Some of the stuff she was sharing was blowing my mind. I had completely forgotten about... stuff that had been lodged so deep inside my memory.
Over and over again they would come...
Wow.. it's no wonder this unraveling journey has taken so long..
Wow.. no wonder I struggle and constantly fight internally with myself, my body, my heart.
Wow.. our family is really fucked up.
Wow.. I completely forgot that we had to live under the same roof as our abuser.
Wow.. I completely forgot we couldn't talk about it.
Wow.. I completely forgot we were shamed whenever we would show displeasure or anger or sadness about the bad things that happened in our family.
Wow.. My god..the torment I have lived in.. the fear and terror to let go.
Wow. wow..wow.. over and over again the waves of realization came.
I cried as she talked.
Just stunned and aghast with the answers that were coming to so many of questions that have so plagued my heart.
And in the midst of all these "wow" moments...
I heard the voice of Love breakthrough.. it truly is more like this rush of thoughts and deepened awakenings inside that happens all at once.
I don't want that to sound woo woo or religious by any means.
This is simply the way Love unfolds truth to me.
This is what came to me...
You see why I have been speaking what I have to you.
Why I have been leading you like I have.
Your freedom will look completely different then others because you are not them, and they are not you.
Rest in that.
Be in that, my love.
You never have to compare.
Rest and be at peace inside that truth right there.
I will never overpower you with what you should do.
I will never bully you and make you feel little and small.
I WANT you to choose, and enjoy the choices you make for your life.
I am with you, but I will NOT ever ever overpower you like your brother did when you were so little, or like your parents and religion did your whole life.
Be free, my songbird.
Sing, speak, unleash your voice.
I want you to BE all that you are created to be.
Live, my love.
Live free of the fear that your "doing it wrong".
You can never DO IT wrong. Never.
You can never do anything wrong in my eyes.
You are learning what brings you life, and what brings you death.
You can trust that. Always trust that.
LIVE IN LIFE...this life that I have given to you.
This.. can you see it?
THIS right here is the gift."
Goosebumps and tears as I share this with you even now.
It's freedom to choose.
It's never being afraid of displeasing God ever again.
It's living and basking in His amazing, vast and great great love.
It's my voice... my greatest weapon against shame, guilt and condemnation.
It's never being tormented or terrorized by religious talk and judgement.
It's never comparing my journey with religion or other fellow freedom friends.
It's LIVING IN and INSIDE FREEDOM.
Fully immersed...swimming in it, drinking it in... breathing for the first time EVER!
deep soul sigh.
One more thought..
My story used to be my greatest shame, but it has become my greatest glory.
It's a really hard story..it's sad, but it's what has brought me here, to this space.
I am grateful for it... and I will SHOUT my heart and any of my story to the world, and to anybody that need hear it.
My story is my greatest weapon against shame and the guilt and condemnation that has kept me in that shut down space.
I hope anything I share brings, not pitty, but life and freedom to you.
That it will bring an awareness that you too can find freedom even tho the first part of your story is so damaged and messed up.
Your story isn't finished being written.
You don't have to live inside that old one.
You can begin to re-write a new one.
Thankyou for honoring this space and taking the time to read my heart.
Your love and thoughts are so welcome..