Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I love...

Talking to my sister yesterday about love in marriage, love in intimate relationships... and she said something that so resonated in my heart. 

Love.. authentic love chooses to love the other as a whole.

the yin and the yang... 
the light and the darkness. 
the strength and the weakness.
the contrast.
the sparkly parts and the shadows.

When we love and accept the other as a whole, the love and freedom we offer each other is completely un-fathomable...it's so vast and self-less.

We offer freedom... in it's truest and purest form.

And those very things that we love, adore and that drew us to the other, their strengths, their shiny sparkly parts... all of them have contrasts. 

There is always a contrast to every strength.

For me, when I think of my own relationship... the very things I adore in my hub, his contrast to those strengths are the very things that drive me nuts!
And him me, of course.. ha ha! 

It's funny because alot of the times that I have said, "I love you".. what I have been really saying is..
 "I just love the shiny sparkly parts of you..the parts I deem as "good", and the "other" parts, eh... not so much."

But that's not love then, is it?

That is some kind of half-truth, conditional, self gratifying love.

And along with that, there is always this striving and trying to change the other person...

or appeasing or altering things in the environment to make those dark areas go away. 
The agitation of their shadows...scraping, grating on something inside of me....but me never asking myself why their shadows and contrasts agitate.

hmmm... ouch.

Instead, what Love says is...

I love you. 
All of you. 
Every part... 
light and dark.
I embrace it ALL.

I. just. simply. love. YOU.

The freedom inside this love is that I can step back from my having to change you. or the environment or whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable.
I can enjoy you.
and know that God has you.
He is with you.
You hash our your journey. and I hash out mine.
Embracing the ashes and the beauty.
The wounds and the healing.
And we get to just love each other.
Realizing that without one there wouldn't be the other ;)

Practicing this takes such a weight off.
It's honestly the greatest relief! 

Just to unfold this further and share where this has gone in the last, oooh 24 hours, 
I have been practicing this love and acceptance inside myself. 

Learning to accept me wholly.

It's intense accepting the areas that religion taught me to despise and shove down and control.
And I am finding I have some MAJOR walls in this area.
But after my conversation with my sister, this truth has domino'd itself inside me... and I am wondering if this is one of my walls.

If I can't offer this to my precious life partner.. my children.. my mom and dad.. my siblings.. my friends..
How in the world can I offer it to me?
I can't.

It's the whole. 

It isn't possible to offer it to only some, and not to others. 

It's like... making peace to HAVE peace.

Making peace with all things, in order to be filled to overflowing with peace inside.

You cannot contain or nurture peace inside until you MAKE peace with all the areas internally and externally that you are at war with.

My eyes are being open to how great and how powerful LOVE truly is.

I long for it in all places inside me.

But if Love asks me to love and accept my own light and darkness.
Realizing that without one, there would not be the other.
Then it also asks me to love and accept all those in my life.


That's a hard one. because there are people that I don't want to offer that too.
Like my Egypt land... the people who scowl and criticize.

Loves says even them.

But really, if I can take a few steps back, I know that I can say I am grateful for religion because without it, I would not know the life and breath of freedom.

Finding the contrast to the shadow, so to speak.

(deep breath)

I am so thankful for these truths.
When I slam into those walls in those areas I long so deeply for freedom in.
I cry.
I slam my fists against them asking WHY!
Why can't I get this?

God, I am so thankful for answers to those unspoken heart groans.
So thankful.

And questions I am mulling around inside...

Why does my husband's contrast grate on me?
What is in me that wants to repel that contrast in him?
What does it trigger?
Why the discomfort?

Hard questions for me to answer.
Really hard.

Like, my brain freezes up and a big ol' cloud of nuttin' comes.. ha!


Learning and walking..

Would so love your thoughts, if any come up in you.

Loves to you, my precious friends..


Amy the Free

Adding this.. Rain posted this song in the comments.. it's spot on with this post.. big whoa.


I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known

I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known

I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What does freedom mean to you?

Rain posted this TED Talk...

The question this man and his wife pondered was..

"What does freedom mean to you?"

"Am I living MY dream?"

Some really great thoughts and questions to ponder.

Thought of my lovie friends... and thought I would share!

xo Amy

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The gift...

I received a note from a friend... it stirred my heart so deeply.

And this blog post comes from that stirring..

I know there are people..people even right now reading this post that have walked through deeper waters then I, and have had much more damage done to their hearts. 

In my own heart, in this journey and awakening, I am coming into a place where I am realizing just how bound up and shut down, and silenced I was.

Like I had been walking around in this fog, groggy from sleep... like I was in this fantasy land of "happy" that I created for myself, that was slowly beginning to deteriorate. 

And the more I tried to keep the facade up and keep my happy-land going, the more depressed I got. 
I couldn't understand why... if I was doing everything right for God, why was I so sad..and why did I continue to get sadder. 

Truly, when I look at my old life now, it was like I had been bound and gagged my whole life..so much pain. I would cry out in my chains... full of pain and despair...bewildered at what more I must do to be happy, to find peace and please God. 

I would cry out in the midst of all my secret addictions, my exhausted doings for God, and all that I had used to cope and numb my pain.

Love came. 

Now that I look back, Love was always there.
But this time, I was ready to hear and see.
This was different from all my religious verbage, and trying to whoop myself up emotionally.. the very sound of Love was different then anything I had ever known. I had tasted little bits here and there, but this was different.

Love came and began to slowly unravel and unwind the chains that had bound me up...and gently removed the gag from my mouth, and spoke and breathed life over me. 
Again and again and again.
He revealed truth to me, and would wash it over me until I could grasp it...until I believed it.

Love showed me how trustworthy He was, and never forced me to trust, but just showed me over and again that I could.
So tender and kind and so unhurried and patient.. so accepting.

About 5 years ago... I had a picture.
Love was standing in the corner of my kitchen with his hand cupped over something..it was a little box, but unlike the picture I posted above, He had His hands completely cupped over it....and He was so giddy with excitement. 

"What is it?", I asked.
He looked up with a twinkle and sparkle in His eye... "It's a gift...a gift for you."
"But I can't give it to you yet... but I will tell you one thing... you are gonna love it."
The impression I had was everything in Him wished He could give it over right then and there, but that it just wasn't time yet.

What's so funny about that time in my life is that my hub and I were big time in ministry. Leading worship all over the state at our home church, conferences and retreats. We were rockstars in our own little world of Christianity. We had begun to get restless in this season. Just frustration, dissatisfaction, and depression. 

So here I am standing there with Him in the kitchen thinking the gift was a bigger and better ministry...new state..traveling..more money...lol!

I have not thought of that particular picture in a long time.

My sister was in town last weekend visiting, and she was sharing a intense conversation she had recently with my dad.
She is sharing the details of the conversation and I just start having all these "ah ha" kind of dawnings happen.
Some of the stuff she was sharing was blowing my mind. I had completely forgotten about... stuff that had been lodged so deep inside my memory.

Over and over again they would come... 
Wow.. it's no wonder this unraveling journey has taken so long.. 
Wow.. no wonder I struggle and constantly fight internally with myself, my body, my heart. 
Wow.. our family is really fucked up. 
Wow.. I completely forgot that we had to live under the same roof as our abuser.

Wow.. I completely forgot we couldn't talk about it.
Wow.. I completely forgot we were shamed whenever we would show displeasure or anger or sadness about the bad things that happened in our family.
Wow.. My god..the torment I have lived in.. the fear and terror to let go.
Wow. wow..wow.. over and over again the waves of realization came.
cried as she talked. 
Just stunned and aghast with the answers that were coming to so many of questions that have so plagued my heart.

No wonder!!

And in the midst of all these "wow" moments... 
I heard the voice of Love breakthrough.. it truly is more like this rush of thoughts and deepened awakenings inside that happens all at once.

I don't want that to sound woo woo or religious by any means.
This is simply the way Love unfolds truth to me.

This is what came to me...

"You see. 

You see why I have been speaking what I have to you. 
Why I have been leading you like I have. 
Your freedom will look completely different then others because you are not them, and they are not you. 
Rest in that. 
Be in that, my love.
You never have to compare. 
Rest and be at peace inside that truth right there.

I will never overpower you with what you should do. 

I will never bully you and make you feel little and small. 
I WANT you to choose, and enjoy the choices you make for your life. 
I am with you, but I will NOT ever ever overpower you like your brother did when you were so little, or like your parents and religion did your whole life. 
Be free, my songbird.

Sing, speak, unleash your voice.
I want you to BE all that you are created to be.

Live, my love. 

Live free of the fear that your "doing it wrong". 

You can never DO IT wrong. Never.

You can never do anything wrong in my eyes.
 You are learning what brings you life, and what brings you death. 
You can trust that. Always trust that.

LIVE IN LIFE...this life that I have given to you.
This.. can you see it?
THIS right here is the gift."

Goosebumps and tears as I share this with you even now.

The gift!

The gift!!

It's choice.
It's freedom to choose.
It's never being afraid of displeasing God ever again.
It's living and basking in His amazing, vast and great great love.
It's my voice... my greatest weapon against shame, guilt and condemnation.
It's never being tormented or terrorized by religious talk and judgement.
It's never comparing my journey with religion or other fellow freedom friends.

Fully immersed...swimming in it, drinking it in... breathing for the first time EVER!


deep soul sigh.
One more thought..

My story used to be my greatest shame, but it has become my greatest glory. 

It's a really hard story..it's sad, but it's what has brought me here, to this space. 
I am grateful for it... and I will SHOUT my heart and any of my story to the world, and to anybody that need hear it.

My story is my greatest weapon against shame and the guilt and condemnation that has kept me in that shut down space. 
I hope anything I share brings, not pitty, but life and freedom to you. 
That it will bring an awareness that you too can find freedom even tho the first part of your story is so damaged and messed up.

Your story isn't finished being written.
You don't have to live inside that old one.
You can begin to re-write a new one.

Thankyou for honoring this space and taking the time to read my heart.

Your love and thoughts are so welcome..

xx Amy

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Life and butterflies...

Lately I have been dreaming of butterflies.. 
Every night they have been fluttering in my dreams...even if just for a moment, they are there. 

I had been meaning to look that up online, but kept forgetting and putting it off.

Last night, just out of the blue, a dear friend posted this picture..and as the title she posted..

Amy the Free.

She drew this some time ago, before we had ever even met. 
From her own heart and hand.
But look at it... the woman is me. 
I can't get over it... 

My jaw dropped.
I got goosebumps.
I cried.

This picture is so symbolic of my heart and desire to speak/sing/breathe Life and beauty to all who hunger for it and are open to hear.
I long for that so deeply..to be that voice.

I canNOT believe the butterflies are here...
This picture leaves me absolutely speechless and astonished.

Marcie, you beautiful soul and heart.. thankyou for sharing this with me.

Had to share it with you.

I have GOT to frame this... such a reminder and a center space for me.

Artist = Marcie

I met Marcie through a mutual friend, and she was telling me she had never drawn before.
She told me she had all these different pictures in her heart, and knew no artist to tell and have them draw out for her.
So one day she sat down and started to draw!
Isn't that wonderful??
Here are a couple more of her "freedom" pictures...
She is awesome!
They are so raw and full of truth and beauty.

Watch out she knows she can fly!

God said "it is good".... Embrace her
This one above reminds me of Rain ;)

It's all about the journey..

Aren't those gorgeous?? 
I want a whole book of them.. there are other's I will share later.


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

My love :)

Ok, so this post might totally be way to mooshy for some, so look away and keep scrollin' cause it's gonna be mooshy.. 

Don't say I didn't warn ya!

So I am sitting across from my hub last night, his sisters are in town and we are playing UNO.
He is laughing and we are all just splitting a gut, and I can't help but melt when I look at him. 
We celebrate our 14 year anniversary tomorrow, and I can say that I am so madly in love with my hub more today then the day we said our vows.
He is my dream muffin.. no joke. :D
To this day when he walks in the door from work, my heart flutters and my face is the first one I want him to see... smiling, a full hug and smooch to welcome him home.

Our love hasn't come easy, but man every trial and every hashing out of our personalities and relationship has been worth the depth and the strength of our love today.

Every time I see a new married couple I want to tell them be on each other's team!
~ Love each other passionately.
~ Choose to SEE that person and their heart, even when sometimes their words and actions don't match up.
~ Let each other fly and sparkle and be the person they were created to be.
~ Don't try to change or better the other person, just LOVE them.
~ Let them be them self. Let them grow, and let their journey with God BE just that THEIR JOURNEY WITH GOD. It's not gonna look like yours or anybody elses.
~ Treat each other as the precious treasure that you each are to the other... with respect, honor and kindness in words and in actions ALWAYS.
~ You CAN fight fair. No sucker punches or hitting below the belt..meaning no name calling, bringing up past mistakes, etc..

CONSIDER each other always.

Our greatest strife has been when we have had expectations of each other and those expectation were not who the other person was. That is so unfair.
That has to be one of the hardest and greatest lessons. Letting each other just BE and loving each other full on in that space... THAT has been a HUGE one for us.
Love is scary. When you love you truly are naked in front of that other person. In all your spaces and junk and all your vulnerable places...it's just right out there.
It brings out the best in us, it brings out the worst.
It's always worth it. Always.

So happy anniversary to my hub! I love you love you love you!


End of mooshy post ;)

My daughter took this picture this past summer with her phone.. so it's a bit grainy... but I love it!

She took this when my hub was working out of town each week, and we weren't seeing each other from Sunday night to Friday night. This particular night we were able to meet in the middle and see each other..it was so special. I will never forget how much I missed my hub those weeks we were a part. The time we have together now is so much sweeter being a part so much!