The past couple weeks I keep seeing posts and quotes about this.
Thinking on comparing this morning, something started to unfold in me.
Revealing ways I hadn't seen before that I compare myself.
My tendency is to think that when I compare, it is in the body department...or the talents department...or the stuff/possessions department.
Well for me NOW, these are easy peasy departments for me. :)
I don't find that I compare in these ways anymore.
I used to ALOT..but not anymore.
I was actually kinda proud of my UNcomparing..thankyou very much!
But today, a whole new stirring started to happen in me...
And a bunch of new areas came popping up.
~ The "belief" department.. (no surprise right? )
In the past I would compare my new freedom and beliefs about this God of Love that I am getting to know to religious folks.
Whether I was right or wrong to believe so good about God? That I was being to mushy maybe?
But this morning I noticed a flip in this.
I have started to compare my beliefs and relationship with God to all my out of the box, non- churchy friends.
Freedom friends who may feel more freedom to experience God in other ways that I am not comfortable with.
Wondering if I need to stretch myself more to be like them.
Or the fact that I still love worship music, is that ok?
Is that me holding on to something that I shouldn't?
Am I doing it right in the non-religious department as well?
Are my beliefs as non-religious as they "should" be?
Am I doing. it. right?
Wow! Where did that come from??
Oh Amy Amy Amy.... my addiction to being in the "right" club rears it's ugly head again ;)
~ Another area that came up is the art and creativity department.
I have friends that are very poetic writers, amazing painters of color and images, crazy amazing with their words... and as a writer/blogger I have found myself feeling "left out" of the creative box because I don't express myself in that way.
Feeling inadequate. Feeling less then.
~ In the "what does my life look like compared to other's life" department.
I don't have a home right now that is my own... my hub is still jobless, and look look look at ALL the people that do. I can't put my kids into sports or extra curricular activities because of lack of fundage. We have had to resort to using food stamps... and look at that lady ahead of me..she is using a debit card.
I must be doing THIS wrong too.
~ In the blogging department.
I don't blog enough. I am not eloquent enough. I am not poetic enough. I don't post enough pictures. I am such a crappy blogger. Look at her.. and him...
~ In the commenting department.
I don't comment like I should. People are going to feel I am not a good friend. People are not going to come to my blog if I don't comment more. I should comment better like her. Look what a great blog friend SHE is because she comments.
~ In the photography department.
I am not taking enough pictures. Mine don't look as good as yours. I wish I could do what they do. My equipment needs to be updated like hers.. what lens is that? Gah, if only I too had that lens then my photography would be amazing. I wish I could have as many bookings her her? What am I doing wrong?
~ In the marriage department.
How easy it is to compare my relationship with my hub to other relationships. other marriages that "look" like they have it all together. I am not going on enough dates with hub.. I am not rubbing his shoulders enough... I forgot to make his lunch today.. a good wife doesn't forget...ugh.
~ In the sex department.
Is this ok and "right" in God's eyes? Am I sexy enough? Is it really ok for me just be me in this department? What if this? and What if that?
Am I doing. THIS. right?
~ In the "mommy'ing" department.
I wish I had more patience like her.. look how kindly she always speaks to her children. Or why do I want to be alone and away from my kids, when look at her, she must always want to be with her kids.
I suck at parenting. I wish I was more like..blah blah.. they are an amazing parent.
~ In the friend department.
I am not a good friend because I don't call or write like I should. People who are good friends do that.
Look at her, she is such a great friend. She must call her friends at least once a week.
~ In the media consumption department.
I am on my phone too much, she doesn't look at her phone as much as I do.
I need to stop sitting in front of the computer for so long.
Guilt guilt... critical critical critical.
~ In the cooking department.
I made frozen pizza twice this past week, what's wrong with me. My friend does 2 healthy green smoothies for her family every day.. AND juices for them too.
~ In the home keeping department.
~ In the working mom department.
~ In the daughter and sister department.
~ In the exercise department.
~ In the keeping up my hair and clothes department.
~ In the blah blah blah blah blah department!!
O my gosh! It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Something that Papa uncovered in this whole crazy comparing cycle is the root of it in me always comes back to this one little lie that rolls into this one little question...
The lie : "You are doing it wrong. Amy, everything about you is wrong."
Which rolls into me constantly asking myself THIS question..
The question: "Am I doing it right?" "What is right?"
And away I goooo... down a big hill of doubt and second guessing myself.
Comparing myself to people that look "right".
"Just show me what is right, and I will do it.. i don't want to be wrong. To be wrong is displeasing and not lovely. O God, I don't want to be wrong... I don't want to be unlovely...or displeasing."
It's just wild to me how something like comparing has such a deep seeded lie that I struggle against.
That lie has had many different faces, and I am so glad that my God is about wholeness :)
I think rightness for me was such a safe place. It brought me a false sense of security for a very long time.
If I was in the right place, doing this and that right, worshiping God right..etc... it brought me definition to all things that I deemed scary or shaky, therefore bringing me security.
But "rightness" isn't definite. I have realized, "rightness" is individual.
What is right for me, might not feel right to you.
When I compare I am walking right into a trap that will snatch me up into a cycle that will permeate ALL areas of my life.
I will second guess myself, and trade in the treasure of my heart to become what I think you must know better and do better and look better then I.
I will lose me.
I will keep the gorgeous gift of myself hidden way down deep from my family, friends and the world who desperately need me to BE me.
Truth is...I wasn't born to ever compare myself to ANYbody!
I WAS born to LIVE this gift of LIFE to the fullest and BE the beautiful creation that I AM.
Wholly and entirely ME!
IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS!
There will never be another you.
And there will never be another me.
We WILL do everything IN the flavor of who we are.
And that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!
We are ALL so beautiful and so unique just like the Creator who's very image we bear.
I am seriously speaking to myself here.
But I have a strong suspicious that I am not the only one who struggles with this. ;)
A very big relief came over me after this "ah ha" moment and a permission to let go of comparing in all departments.
I cannot live life alive and to the fullest AND have comparison constantly going on at the same time.
It cannot happen.
One is built to cause me to soar, while the other is built to cause me to sink.
They canNOT co-exist together.
Be free today, oh my heart.
Be free today, my friends.
Be free to BE you, in the beauty of ALL you are.
The shining and sparkly soul that you are.
You. Are. Enough.
Be wholly you. We need you. All of you, and what you bring to this world.