Friday, June 29, 2012

Quote Love...

Read this on another blog I love, and I loved it.

"Come, come, whoever you are. 
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of living, it doesn’t matter 
Ours is not a caravan of despair. 
Come even if you have broken your vow a thousand times, 
Come, yet again, come, come."

 ~ Rumi and His Sufi Path of Love



Beautiful words for this Friday <3


xo

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Such a fine line..

Worry
_____________________________

Faith







Such a teeny, tiny line that goes between them.


It's so faint, that one can jump from faith to worry in just a matter of a thought.


This is something that I am starting to see more clearly as my hub and I walk in a season of "unknowns".
 The choice to walk in faith.
and
The choice to walk in worry.

Something that I am seeing clearer and clearer is how fast it can happen.

It literally happens in one thought.

One decision.

One step.

A couple nights ago, I was tucking in my sweet Josiah.






He is SUCH a thinker.
Very quick to worry and get stuck in it.

He was upset about something that was really important to his tender, 10 year old heart.
He was stuck in the cycle of worry and could not get out of it.
We talked about worry, and what are some of the things he can do to solve or maybe help his concern.

He looks at me and asks... " Mom, what is worry?"


He is SO visual, like his momma, so word pictures speak so clearly to him :)

This is what came flying out of my mouth.

 "Bud, worry is when your brain tells you scary stories about life that are not true...and that is all they are.  Just scary stories."


And as fast as I said it, peace came over his heart, and he was ready for sleep.

And I walked away blinking in profound awe that I just spoke something so profound.. ha ha ha!
Because honestly, I didn't know this myself.
Isn't that amazing when the answers to our own questions bubble up out of NO were, and come flying out of our own mouth??

I think what it did for him and I was de-mystify something that we feel so out of control about.

Worry = is when I believe the scary stories that my mind is telling me.

That's all it is.

And the choice is... do I believe the stories or not?

And when I choose to not believe the stories that worry is telling me, what do I believe then?

~~ Faith


I recently read the most simple and gorgeous definition to faith.


Faith is believing what my eyes cannot see, but what my heart knows to be true.



As I walk through my days, I think on these words a lot.
I think it's because they bring my heart so much hope.
Because truth is I do know what my heart sees.
God has whispered and birthed His stories and truth inside my heart.
:)

They are stories of hope.. they are desires and dreams that bubble up in me, and I am so filled with joy. peace. life.

Faith carries these stories of truth, of desire, of dreams, of hope.
And when I step into these stories of truth and hope, I am filled with contentment, peace, and a full on joy for all life has for the moment.


This is what is bubbling up in my heart today.
The more I live from my heart, the more I feel like a spectator to the workings of my mind.
It's such a wild experience, I don't think I can explain it any better then that.


One day in particular, I was deep into the grasp of worry..
Fear had gripped me.. I was deep in the pit of all the what if's of our future, and all that I might not get to in time..
It painted a story full of despair and terror.

Then I heard a voice... it shot clear through my fears and worrying.

"You know.. you don't have to stay here.
Just step over here."

And literally, I could see it... more so I could FEEL it.
And like turning a channel or taking a step from one side to the other, there I was.
Wrapped in a story that was completely opposite of what I was worrying about.
I stepped into hope.

It was one of those God experiences, where He enabled me to see it, touch it, feel it,
and just like that...
snap.
I stepped out of the hell of worry that I was in, and right into hope...into faith.


Worry still comes, and fear still come to grip my heart.
I honestly have to be very vigilant over my heart because I sense worry so close to me at times.
But it doesn't overtake me anymore.
I cry. I feel. I talk to Papa about it. I listen to music that centers me and reminds me of truth. I journal. I talk it out with my hub or a dear friend. I ask to be reminded of the truth.
I ask for God's help to get me back into faith.... and it comes.
It always comes.






Beautiful faith.

xo

Amy

Monday, June 25, 2012

Colorado sweetness :)

I love this sweet girl so much...







 She is my butterfly :)





 She doesn't walk, but flitters everyWERE :)




We have been taking so many walks these days.. just taking in the new beauty around us.



Faithy and I went on a photography walk... she pointed out the beauty..

...and momma shot!

This is some of the beauty my little butterfly girl and I discovered :)











Love my sweet girl, and the beauty that she is!



xo

Amy

Sunday, June 24, 2012

The comparing trap... Part 4

Comparing myself to anybody takes ALL the joy, beauty and creativity out of life.  

 The past couple weeks I keep seeing posts and quotes about this.


Comparing.

Thinking on comparing this morning, something started to unfold in me.
Revealing ways I hadn't seen before that I compare myself.

My tendency is to think that when I compare, it is in the body department...or the talents department...or the stuff/possessions department.

Well for me NOW,  these are easy peasy departments for me. :)
I don't find that I compare in these ways anymore.
I used to ALOT..but not anymore.
I was actually kinda proud of my UNcomparing..thankyou very much!

But today, a whole new stirring started to happen in me...
And a bunch of new areas came popping up.


~ The "belief" department.. (no surprise right? )
In the past I would compare my new freedom and beliefs about this God of Love that I am getting to know to religious folks.
Whether I was right or wrong to believe so good about God? That I was being to mushy maybe?

But this morning I noticed a flip in this.

I have started to compare my beliefs and relationship with God to all my out of the box, non- churchy friends.
Freedom friends who may feel more freedom to experience God in other ways that I am not comfortable with.
Wondering if I need to stretch myself more to be like them.
Or the fact that I still love worship music, is that ok?
Is that me holding on to something that I shouldn't?
Am I doing it right in the non-religious department as well?
Are my beliefs as non-religious as they "should" be?
Am I doing. it. right?
:)


Wow! Where did that come from??

Oh Amy Amy Amy.... my addiction to being in the "right" club rears it's ugly head again ;)


~ Another area that came up is the art and creativity department.
I have friends that are very poetic writers, amazing painters of color and images, crazy amazing with their words... and as a writer/blogger I have found myself feeling "left out" of the creative box because I don't express myself in that way.
Feeling inadequate. Feeling less then.

~ In the "what does my life look like compared to other's life" department.
I don't have a home right now that is my own... my hub is still jobless, and look look look at ALL the people that do. I can't put my kids into sports or extra curricular activities because of lack of fundage. We have had to resort to using food stamps... and look at that lady ahead of me..she is using a debit card.
I must be doing THIS wrong too.

~ In the blogging department. 
I don't blog enough. I am not eloquent enough. I am not poetic enough. I don't post enough pictures. I am such a crappy blogger. Look at her.. and him...

~ In the commenting department.
I don't comment like I should. People are going to feel I am not a good friend. People are not going to come to my blog if I don't comment more. I should comment better like her. Look what a great blog friend SHE is because she comments.


~ In the photography department.
I am not taking enough pictures. Mine don't look as good as yours. I wish I could do what they do. My equipment needs to be updated like hers.. what lens is that? Gah, if only I too had that lens then my photography would be amazing. I wish I could have as many bookings her her? What am I doing wrong?


~ In the marriage department.
How easy it is to compare my relationship with my hub to other relationships. other marriages that "look" like they have it all together. I am not going on enough dates with hub.. I am not rubbing his shoulders enough... I forgot to make his lunch today.. a good wife doesn't forget...ugh.

~ In the sex department.
Is this ok and "right" in God's eyes? Am I sexy enough? Is it really ok for me just be me in this department? What if this? and What if that?

Am I doing. THIS. right?
ugh.

~ In the "mommy'ing" department.
I wish I had more patience like her.. look how kindly she always speaks to her children. Or why do I want to be alone and away from my kids, when look at her, she must always want to be with her kids.
I suck at parenting. I wish I was more like..blah blah.. they are an amazing parent.


~ In the friend department.
I am not a good friend because I don't call or write like I should. People who are good friends do that.
Look at her, she is such a great friend. She must call her friends at least once a week.

~ In the media consumption department.
I am on my phone too much, she doesn't look at her phone as much as I do.
I need to stop sitting in front of the computer for so long.
Guilt guilt... critical critical critical.

~ In the cooking department. 
I made frozen pizza twice this past week, what's wrong with me. My friend does 2 healthy green smoothies for her family every day.. AND juices for them too.



~ In the home keeping department.


~ In the working mom department.


~ In the daughter and sister department.


~ In the exercise department.


~ In the keeping up my hair and clothes department.



~ In the blah blah blah blah blah department!! 


O my gosh! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Something that Papa uncovered in this whole crazy comparing cycle is the root of it in me always comes back to this one little lie that rolls into this one little question...

The lie :  "You are doing it wrong. Amy, everything about you is wrong."

Which rolls into me constantly asking myself THIS question..

The question: "Am I doing it right?" "What is right?"
And away I goooo... down a big hill of doubt and second guessing myself.
Comparing myself to people that look "right".

"Just show me what is right, and I will do it.. i don't want to be wrong. To be wrong is displeasing and not lovely. O God, I don't want to be wrong... I don't want to be unlovely...or displeasing."

It's just wild to me how something like comparing has such a deep seeded lie that I struggle against.
That lie has had many different faces, and I am so glad that my God is about wholeness :)


I think rightness for me was such a safe place. It brought me a false sense of security for a very long time.
If I was in the right place, doing this and that right, worshiping God right..etc... it brought me definition to all things that I deemed scary or shaky, therefore bringing me security.

But "rightness" isn't definite. I have realized, "rightness" is individual.

What is right for me, might not feel right to you.



 
When I compare I am walking right into a trap that will snatch me up into a cycle that will permeate ALL areas of my life.

I will second guess myself, and trade in the treasure of my heart to become what I think you must know better and do better and look better then I. 

I will lose me.
I will keep the gorgeous gift of myself hidden way down deep from my family, friends and the world who desperately need me to BE me.




Truth is...
I wasn't born to ever compare myself to ANYbody!
I WAS born to LIVE this gift of LIFE to the fullest and BE the beautiful creation that I AM.
Wholly and entirely ME!


THERE.
IS.
NO.
COMPARISON!

None. 

IN ALL THE DEPARTMENTS!

There will never be another you.
And there will never be another me.
We WILL do everything IN the flavor of who we are.
And that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!

We are ALL so beautiful and so unique just like the Creator who's very image we bear.

I am seriously speaking to myself here.
But I have a strong suspicious that I am not the only one who struggles with this. ;)


A very big relief came over me after this "ah ha" moment and a permission to let go of comparing in all departments.

I cannot live life alive and to the fullest AND have comparison constantly going on at the same time.
It cannot happen.
One is built to cause me to soar, while the other is built to cause me to sink.
They canNOT co-exist together.

Be free today, oh my heart.
Be free today, my friends.
Be free to BE you, in the beauty of ALL you are.
The shining and sparkly soul that you are.

You. Are. Enough.

Be wholly you. We need you. All of you, and what you bring to this world.


xoxo

Amy

Monday, June 18, 2012

Life randomness

Prepare for random life mish mosh :)




Oh man, I adore this quote!
I want to love what I do.
I want my hubby to love what he does.
That's not the hard part.
The hard part is the finding out WHAT you love.
Ooooooo Nellie... that IS the intense part.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this scripture.


I feel very blind these days... in totally unfamiliar land, on a totally unfamiliar path.
Lots of stones and steps and blind corners.

Whether or not God really leads us or not, I don't know right now, today.. I have lots of questions about this.
I want to believe He does.
But this scripture brings me comfort because I have no fucking idea where I am or where I am going.
Having a bit of a freak out day today, and I am totally not sure what I believe anymore about this whole "following my heart and what I love" journey.
I just don't know.
But that scripture brings me some comfort.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my morning view.
I love it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Our sweet Sammy dog had a really scary seizure yesterday.... ugh.
Did not like that at ALL.
Hoping it was just the weather or something he ate.
Poor guy.
I am trying not to worry about him.. 
But that was really scary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
 
 These flowers make me happy, and I love them.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Gosh what a totally grumpy post.
Not the happiest energy here.. just having a really shitty day.

Been trying to keep my eyes on the goal, and not freak out about the lack of job, and now the lack of money, but woo wee it's hard today.

Sometimes I get tired of being the strong one and having the happy disposition.. 
I feel like I am pulling up my husband constantly, and today I just can't and am not going to do it.
I honestly love hope. I love joy. I love peace. 
I love the thought that the Divine will bring us to what we truly love and what would bring joy to our hearts.
Today I have doubts. I don't know if it's true.
Does God partner with us? Or does He let us take the reigns and away we go.
I don't know today.
I want to believe that we get to partner with Him...but I really don't know.
I am a bit of a mess today.
Think I am lonely too.
Miss my sister alot. Don't miss Arizona tho.
Just down today... and needed to just post some randomness, and vent a bit.
 

Ok.

That's  all.

Tomorrow will be shiny-er. 

xo

Amy

Saturday, June 16, 2012

So grateful :)

  It's Father's Day... and I am so grateful for my dad.



One thing I can say about my childhood is that my Dad LOVED us kids so much... my whole childhood was filled with lots of hugs and " I love you's".
My dad loved and STILL loves to tell the stories of each of our births... how he knew how very special each on of us was, and how he loved being our dad :)

I will carry that in my heart for as long as I live!

I love you, Dad <3

Happy Father's Day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another sweet man in my life is the father of my three loves :)





I am so grateful that I married a man that adores his children.










He is such a gift to them, and such a gift to me!









 Happy Father's Day to you, my love!  Thankyou for loving our three treasures and me so passionately!






 We are so blessed!

xoxoxo

Amy

Friday, June 15, 2012

Walk away, run away....

OOoooh yes!

Had to share this with you!

BIG hug and a beautiful weekend to you!

xo

Amy

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

A place to start.. Part 3

I have decided to do something that I haven't had the courage to do..something that has been a desire, but not quite ready to come forth.

Something I have noticed as a kind of a trend in the Bible.... a thread that weaved through the entire book is a theme.... Stories of people experiencing God.

Over and over again... from the very start of the book.


Adam and Eve 
Cain and Able
Noah
Abraham
Isaac and Jacob
Joseph
Moses


Just to name a few.....


For a very long time these ordinary people had no Tora or Bible to compare or size up their experiences with God with.

Some had no religion at all, while others practiced pagan rituals...sacrificing their young to different gods.

But God came.

It didn't matter to Him.

He came and met with each one.

They were experiences that were individual to each person, in their time and in their culture.

I was raised to believe that any experience I ever have with God HAS to line up with the Bible.
It had to have happened to someone else, or line up with some scripture, or match up with some "God experience" formula.
And if it didn't line up with all of the above, I ran the great risk of  having an experience with the devil as an "angle of light".

But what of these other people?
What of the people who didn't have a book to confirm their experiences with God?
What of the people who had nothing to compare them too?


Where their experiences with God not valid? 

The Bible says that God is no respecter of persons.
That He loves all His children equally.
What He will do for one, He will do for the other.

So how am I any different then Moses or Abraham?


See, I don't believe that I am any different then any one of the men or women of the Bible.
I don't believe that my experiences with God have to line up to any book..because they are just that.
MY experiences with God.. therefore they will be completely different to anybody else's experience with Him.

So..

I made a decision..

After my last 2 posts on religion, I have decided I am throwing everything I have been told about God out.

Out
the
window.

gone.


I am letting it all go.
Releasing it.
It has brought me here to this place in my journey, and for that I am so grateful.

But for now, in this season in my journey I have to let it all go.

Everything.
Everything I have read.
Everything I have ever been told about God.
gone.
They have to go.

They are not mine.
They are beautiful stories, but I can never own them because they never happened to me.



So, I took out a clean piece of paper.

And I titled it:

What I know and have experienced personally about God.




And I wrote.
My experiences.
All the beautiful thoughts my Papa has spoken to my heart and my journey.
His whispers and the songs He has sung to me.
To me. Not to anybody else. Just me and my Papa.

And it feels amazing.

The letting go, and the embracing what I know, that I know, that I know, because IT IS MINE.
Nothing can shake them from me.
There is no fear in what God has shown me of Himself in the intimacy of my relationship with Him.
I have realized the terror that would come over me, always connected back to what others told me about God.
But when I would hold it up to what I have personally experienced with God, it never matched.
Religion never matched this God.. this beloved Creator, Friend, Papa that I know.

(big sigh and tears)

I can see now why I will never have to be afraid again.


Desiring this for so long, but not feeling ready for it until now.

I am still adding to my list as I remember. :)

I have to tell you, this is one of the greatest freedom's I have ever felt.
To know that I don't have to make something "fit" inside a box of someone else's thoughts and words is absolute freedom.

I feel healing and wholeness coming to my heart in places that have been aching for a very long time.

Sweet release.
sigh.



                                                                    Source: David Hayward

xo

Amy

Friday, June 8, 2012

In the waiting..

Just wanted to share a beautiful letter I received from a site many of you might have heard of called Brave Girls .

It was such a timely note to me last night before I went to bed. Like it in itself was a tiny seed that was thrown into my heart, right before I closed my eyes.
And I awoke this morning with a fresh new sprout of hope poking through the soil of my heart. For this I am so grateful... so very grateful.

Just wanted to share it with you today on this beautiful Friday morning <3

xo Amy


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Cool Whip Diet

I love loved this.. what a fun way to explain how we fill our self with things that don't "fill" us.

If you have a few minutes.. take a looksie :))