Sunday, March 11, 2012
Been thinking about this little space here… Amy the Free.
Wordless I have been lately..but really I feel a need to present my mess to you with a opening, 3 points and a clever close.
And I just come up so dry when I think of how I can present all these awakening, rumblings and hashings going on inside.
I can’t do it.
I am also in this space of longing to disconnect from my whole “public/internet” life. Erasing traces of me and my journey from harsh eyes.
I have gone through and once again deleted my Facebook..(which I had gone back to after I started my photography business to “promote” my business..cough cough… and er well hmmmm..") anywho.. so I deleted that fucking thing AGAIN!! I have gone through and deleted as many online places that found it’s trail back to me.
This journey is and this space I am in is so tender. And I am in a space of rebuilding my “Everybody and They” from critical, religious, judgmental and harsh voices in my head, to a “Everybody and They” that are filled with love, kindness, compassion and acceptance.
You know what I am talking about… the crowd of people we all have in our head.
The crowd of people that scoff at my every choice and call it wrong. That point the finger at me, and say..
“Shame Shame.. you bad girl you!”
“You are doing it wrong.”
“If it isn’t THIS way, then it’s absolutely wrong.”
The Everybody that comes up when I start to see freedom’s light…
“What are you doing?” they scoff.
“You are in deception and are going to hell.”
The Everybody and the They that point their finger, and whisper to each other and shake their heads in absolute disapproval.
The Everybody and They that I ask myself… “ What will THEY think? What will Everybody say if I do that?”
The madness I have talked about in my head. The madness that keeps me bound and frightened. Afraid to let go of old mindsets and ways of living. The Everybody and They that I literally feel haunted by.
I am ferociously on the pursuit for wholeness.
I want it so badly.
I want to know myself. My heart. My desires.
I have been so bound up by this crowd in my head… made up of family, my religious culture I was saturated in since birth, my own Westernized culture.
Realizing this is part of the unraveling process.. I want to shed this crowd in my head.
I am in the process of rebuilding my Everybody and They to voices like yours. My friends who come here and take the time to read my heart and take the time to comment and converse.
I am working through Martha Beck’s book “ Finding Your Own North Star.”
She says that most of the time we can narrow down our negative Everybody and They to 3 – 6 of the most critical and negative people we have known in our life.
BUT you can convince yourself (your social self is what she calls it) to let them go when you begin to bring in people who believe in you, love you, show your kindness and compassion, and who offer grace and understanding of your journey. Your social self will let go of the negative crowd and accept the new love filled crowd.
Martha talks about how we are both essential self and social self.
Out essential self is our heart/spirit/true nature… and our social self is the protector self… We need our social self, but it was never meant to rule our life.
We lose who we are when the social self (i.e. ego) rules your life.. we lose our way, we lose the sound of how our essential self sounds, what our true path is, etc….
Ok… right now I am resisting the urge to go back and change anything.. God, I hope all this makes sense.
Anyways.. all of that to say it’s vital to freedom that we change out that negative tape in our head.
And I think one of the biggest things you can do is surround yourself with friends, people, blogs, input that is full of life, compassion, kindness, and love.
And remove any trace of your negative crowd… and for me that was getting the heck off Facebook. Lots and lots of reminders of my negative/critical Everybody crowd.
It’s so interesting isn’t it?
Martha explains all of that so much better then I, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I felt it was being a good daughter, niece, sister, friend to stay connected to these people. Living my life out loud and raw was being free. But it just gave them more ammunition. And they would let me have it. In one form or another.
I mean these are people I would honestly not EVER have in my life…people I see maybe one or two times a year.
So I think that was the fire lit under me to start backing out of a lot of media stuff. I joined Pinterest even, and there they were.. they found me!
I feel really protective of myself right now. I even deleted my blog…this one.
I feel like this space is sacred. It holds very sacred info on it, you know?
So I deleted it…then un-deleted it.
This is for me…this space. I need it so much… I am not one of these bloggers that write all the time, or want a following…. I just need a space to be and share.
I kind worry about editing my posts… how many times did I say, “ I “ or change a cuss word to something more acceptable. I just can’t do that anymore.
Sorry if that offends you to see Fuck and shit and damn…because right now those are words that I use a lot these days…and you know what? I like it. It feels good. I have lived my life censoring myself. I can’t do it anymore. Through love..yes. But not be socially accepted anymore. Nope. Can’t.
Ok.. so the title of this post is resolution… in which I was going to share with you a situation that has happened with a dear dear friend from my religious days. How she dropped me like a batch of hot cakes when my journey and “why” questions started… I asked a couple times if it was me… if the reason she was not around anymore was because of my own journey out of religion…she said up and down no…
But her words and her actions didn’t line up… so I let our friendship go.. I grieved our friendship last summer …intense grief. She was my best friend. Then now all of a sudden she is angry and mad.. she has noticed out of the blue that we are not connected anymore. How now she is upset and grieving our friendship.. but hasn’t once reached out to talk… It is simply because she is so fear driven.. I don’t blame her.. I know why. I am really scary to her. I haven’t even gone into all of this..but I know she feels it.
It’s true the saying… One man’s freedom is another’s bondage.
Anyways… I was going to tell you about how I have decided to not reconcile.
I have had every pull to be the one who approaches yet once again, to see if she would be open to talking…but I don’t think she can.
I think she is so fear driven that it absolutely terrorizes her.
I made a decision tonite, after she totally gave me the cold shoulder and completely ignored me…that I was going to let her make the step, but really when I am totally honest… she is a part of my negative crowd.
She needs me to need her to fix me.. and I don’t need her to fix me.
I don’t want to dance the dance that our friendship was. One of nice’ities and never going deep.
Of that old mindset of religion and all the whacky spiritual warfare stuff. It was just not a healthy friendship. I know that now.
anyways… I want to not be friends anymore. I don’t like what that friendship was. And now that I have grieved it and let it go, I like that I don’t have it anymore. It was so yucky and made me feel yucky.
I am so grateful for the season and all the good that it was, but I bid it farewell again.
Sometimes the best resolve is to resolve that it’s good to let it go, and not try to resuscitate something that is meant to pass on.
k… that’s all for now.
I will be back with more rambling.. as it comes. It’s not gonna be pretty…but it’s me.
Posted by Amy at 6:12 PM