Sunday, March 11, 2012

Resolution


Hi lovies.
Been thinking about this little space here… Amy the Free.
Wordless I have been lately..but really I feel a need to present my mess to you with a opening, 3 points and a clever close.
And I just come up so dry when I think of how I can present all these awakening, rumblings and hashings going on inside.
I can’t do it.
I am also in this space of longing to disconnect from my whole “public/internet” life. Erasing traces of me and my journey from harsh eyes.
I have gone through and once again deleted my Facebook..(which I had gone back to after I started my photography business to “promote” my business..cough cough… and er well hmmmm..") anywho.. so I deleted that fucking thing AGAIN!! I have gone through and deleted as many online places that found it’s trail back to me.
This journey is and this space I am in is so tender. And I am in a space of rebuilding my “Everybody and They” from critical, religious, judgmental and harsh voices in my head, to a “Everybody and They” that are filled with love, kindness, compassion and acceptance.
You know what I am talking about… the crowd of people we all have in our head.
The crowd of people that scoff at my every choice and call it wrong. That point the finger at me, and say..
“Shame Shame.. you bad girl you!”
“You are doing it wrong.”
“If it isn’t THIS way, then it’s absolutely wrong.”
The Everybody that comes up when I start to see freedom’s light…
“What are you doing?” they scoff.
“You are in deception and are going to hell.”
The Everybody and the They that point their finger, and whisper to each other and shake their heads in absolute disapproval.
The Everybody and They that I ask myself…  “ What will THEY think? What will Everybody say if I do that?”
The madness I have talked about in my head. The madness that keeps me bound and frightened. Afraid to let go of old mindsets and ways of living. The Everybody and They that I literally feel haunted by.
…..
I am ferociously on the pursuit for wholeness.
I want it so badly.
I want to know myself. My heart. My desires.
I have been so bound up by this crowd in my head… made up of family, my religious culture I was saturated in since birth, my own Westernized culture.
Realizing this is part of the unraveling process.. I want to shed this crowd in my head.
I am in the process of rebuilding my Everybody and They to voices like yours. My friends who come here and take the time to read my heart and take the time to comment and converse.
I am working through Martha Beck’s book “ Finding Your Own North Star.”
She says that most of the time we can narrow down our negative Everybody and They to 3 – 6 of the most critical and negative people we have known in our life.
BUT you can convince yourself (your social self is what she calls it)  to let them go when you begin to bring in people who believe in you, love you, show your kindness and compassion, and who offer grace and understanding of your journey. Your social self will let go of the negative crowd and accept the new love filled crowd.
Martha talks about how we are both essential self and social self.
Out essential self is our heart/spirit/true nature… and our social self is the protector self… We need our social self, but it was never meant to rule our life.
We lose who we are when the social self (i.e. ego) rules your life.. we lose our way, we lose the sound of how our essential self sounds, what our true path is, etc….
Ok… right now I am resisting the urge to go back and change anything..  God, I hope all this makes sense.
Anyways.. all of that to say it’s vital to freedom that we change out that negative tape in our head.
And I think one of the biggest things you can do is surround yourself with friends, people, blogs, input that is full of life, compassion, kindness, and love.
And remove any trace of your negative crowd… and for me that was getting the heck off Facebook. Lots and lots of reminders of my negative/critical Everybody crowd.
It’s so interesting isn’t it?
Martha explains all of that so much better then I, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I felt it was being a good daughter, niece, sister, friend to stay connected to these people. Living my life out loud and raw was being free. But it just gave them more ammunition. And they would let me have it. In one form or another.
I mean these are people I would honestly not EVER have in my life…people I see maybe one or two times a year.
So I think that was the fire lit under me to start backing out of a lot of media stuff. I joined Pinterest even, and there they were.. they found me!
Deleted that.
I feel really protective of myself right now. I even deleted my blog…this one.
I feel like this space is sacred. It holds very sacred info on it, you know?
So I deleted it…then un-deleted it.
This is for me…this space. I need it so much… I am not one of these bloggers that write all the time, or want a following…. I just need a space to be and share.
I kind worry about editing my posts… how many times did I say, “ I “ or change a cuss word to something more acceptable. I just can’t do that anymore.
Sorry if that offends you to see Fuck and shit and damn…because right now those are words that I use a lot these days…and you know what? I like it. It feels good. I have lived my life censoring myself. I can’t do it anymore. Through love..yes. But not be socially accepted anymore. Nope. Can’t.
….
Ok.. so the title of this post is resolution… in which I was going to share with you a situation that has happened with a dear dear friend from my religious days. How she dropped me like a batch of hot cakes when my journey and “why” questions started… I asked a couple times if it was me… if the reason she was not around anymore was because of my own journey out of religion…she said up and down no…
But her words and her actions didn’t line up… so I let our friendship go.. I grieved our friendship last summer …intense grief. She was my best friend. Then now all of a sudden she is angry and mad.. she has noticed out of the blue that we are not connected anymore. How now she is upset and grieving our friendship.. but hasn’t once reached out to talk… It is simply because she is so fear driven.. I don’t blame her.. I know why. I am really scary to her. I haven’t even gone into all of this..but I know she feels it.
It’s true the saying… One man’s freedom is another’s bondage.
Anyways… I was going to tell you about how I have decided to not reconcile.
I have had every pull to be the one who approaches yet once again, to see if she would be open to talking…but I don’t think she can.
I think she is so fear driven that it absolutely terrorizes her.
I made a decision tonite, after she totally gave me the cold shoulder and completely ignored me…that I was going to let her make the step, but really when I am totally honest… she is a part of my negative crowd.
She needs me to need her to fix me.. and I don’t need her to fix me.
I don’t want to dance the dance that our friendship was. One of nice’ities and never going deep.
Of that old mindset of religion and all the whacky spiritual warfare stuff. It was just not a healthy friendship. I know that now.
anyways… I want to not be friends anymore. I don’t like what that friendship was. And now that I have grieved it and let it go, I like that I don’t have it anymore. It was so yucky and made me feel yucky.
I am so grateful for the season and all the good that it was, but I bid it farewell again.
Sometimes the best resolve is to resolve that it’s good to let it go, and not try to resuscitate something that is meant to pass on.
….
k… that’s all for now.
I will be back with more rambling.. as it comes. It’s not gonna be pretty…but it’s me.

10 comments:

  1. :) this was great, Amy. you don't ever need to edit yourself or revise your posts or whatever. just say it as it comes. that's what i want to hear. i want to hear your heart. you write as it comes and i'll listen as it comes. what's the definition of pretty? who says whether or not your words will be pretty? your heart is beautiful, so i love reading your posts. i have noticed your absence from facebook and i have missed you, but i understand needing to get away. and you can say fuck and shit all you want (lately they've been some of my favorite words too). to hell with being socially acceptable. there are other things i want to say...many things i could say, but it's getting late and i've had one heck of week, so i'm going to say adieu. but it was good to hear from you, my dear. it always is. hang in there, lovey. <3

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    1. Aaah Rae! You are a doll.. thankyou for your love here!

      I am finding sometimes there are just no better words! ha ha ha!!

      Love you!

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  2. you know...this sounds like your anthem. :)
    and you know what else?
    you sound like me. so much. so much of what you've written i can relate to. if i wrote it all out you would probably laugh. but you need at least ONE DAMN (haha slipped it in) PLACE where you can be yourself without apology. i have an uber private blog that maybe only one or two other people ever read and i hardly ever post there anymore (it's OLD) but the description under the title is: "this is like me hanging out in my underwear". and its true. you need a place, private or not, where you can sit around in your underwear and slosh a glass of wine and smoke a cigarette if you want. and it's ok if your hair is scraggly and windblown, and if you're getting wrinkles around your eyes, and if your couch is strewn with socks. whether that is here or somewhere else, give yourself that, ok?

    <3 you are loved.

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    1. Rain.. such the truth!! I find I need a safe space to be and just bring it all.
      I am so over fear, you know? So over the " what will people think" stuff, but yet I know that I am in a really tender space that needs that safe place.

      Love you!

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    2. found a link that you might appreciate based on past blog topics. if not, just disregard.
      love!

      http://www.fatnutritionist.com/index.php/the-denial-of-life/

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    3. Ok, gf! Stop reading my mind... no joke I have a post that I am going to post this week sharing a similar article from Christie Inge.. no way!
      Thankyou for sharing... gonna check it out tonite when the house is quiet!

      xo

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  3. Yes! I understand this so much! The negative ones have a way of finding prey. I know my blog is read by a few secret judgers but I pretend they are not there. I don't censor and I feel the same way- so different from those old voices. Free and wonderful.
    You sound free and wonderful! I love it;)
    Love to hear your writing;)!!! Keep it up please;)xox

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    1. I know one day I won't care either.. I am so over caring what people think, and the whole fear and judgement thing.. but on the flip side, seeing their picture or their comment just throws me into a weird space internally.... so for right now, I am keeping my internal hashing to this space. I am going to be moving this blog I think...will keep you posted.
      Just moving to a different blog address.... will send a note when I do.

      Love you, K!

      xo

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  4. I love your words and your journey and I'm the same way. I delete my blog(s) and then put them back up again. being honest and brave isn't easy. I also find myself taking out "fuck" and " damn" when and(if) I edit. whatever. lol it's freeing to be able to express that somewhere. please let me know when and if you move your blog. I only discovered it recently and don't want to lose touch! xo

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    1. Hi Glynis! So great to know that I am not alone with the filtering.. lol!! Yeesh.. I am so over that! Can't and am not going to do it anymore. If people don't like it, that's ok..they can just click on.. ha ha!!
      I will keep you posted on my blog change! I might not tho... not many know about this place.. so I just might be ok.
      Will keep you posted tho if there is a change!
      Hugs..
      thankyou for your friendship.. xoxo

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