"In order to have peace, we need to make peace.
When we strive against anything, be it a person or a people group, we are at war with them.
Maybe it's a situation that is unchangeable right now it's a war we wage against it."
I read this, and my mind started to flood with people that I am striving against...people that when they come to mind or I talk too, I have a really big "cackles go up" kind of reaction to them.
~ Religious organizations
~ Some members of my family
~ Oh my gosh... myself BIG time.
~ A old friend who hurt me.
~ People who are accusers and throw judgement on me
Just to name a few..
And the list keeps on growing... I am jaw dropped blown away! Can't believe it!
Why had I never put that altogether before?
To have peace reside in me, I need to in a sense work out and make peace with all those areas in myself that are waging war against other people or situations.
But the one that I am really "whoa'd" by is how badly I wage war against myself!
It's really uncanny! I am seeing it now like I have never seen it before.
I came across two posts today that resonated so much with me... K's and Rain's.
I am starting to realize something...on this quest for restoring peace in myself, and in my home..what I am realizing is that I don't know if I have ever had peace stay for very long.
It's been pretty fleeting, to be honest.
Peace has come and settled for little bits of time, but it doesn't seem to stay very long.. and I am starting to understand why.
As I lay in my bed, and I could hear a gentle whisper... " You strive against yourself so much."
What a foreign thought...me? strive against myself? nah!
But now that this unfolding has happened.. I can see it. The constant second guessing... the haunting thoughts of religion and opinions of my life and my life journey....the lack of caring for myself and my health... realizing I have had no breath, no voice, and no life of my own for most of my 37 years of living that wasn't pushed, pressed or squished into some kind of freakish mold that was man made and it was killing me...from the inside out.
It's no wonder I war against myself. My ego/chatter/story telling brain with all it's wiring and religious training against my heart. It's no wonder I have had no peace. No lasting joy. No lasting freedom.
God I want peace so bad.... I can't keep going without it. I want life. I want freedom without the scary voices of my past upbringing to roar their ugly heads and have the same scary reaction from me of fear and cowarding.
I want it to make it's home in me.
That's all I have for now.
I have to tell you lately it's been really hard for me to share here on this blog.. I went a really long time NOT sharing because of my wordlessness. I feel really upside down and like my words make no sense.. or maybe that they come out harsh and angry.. or maybe that I act as if I have it all figured out...when I don't. I feel so uncertain these days about so much.
I keep coming back here tho.. I realize I need this. I need my voice to be heard in this beautiful space of love and acceptance. To all who come, and read and comment and share...you have been a life spring to me. I feel so insecure alot when it comes to exposing the inner workings of what is going on.. I think alot of people are feeling this way. It's a messy road. It's really hard to know how to even place words on rumblings and moans of the heart.
Thankyou for coming and reading my hashings. Your heart means so much.