Saturday, December 29, 2012

Words and the new year.

Love the New Year!

Long have I passed up making resolutions.. oy. No thanks!
Always was a recipe for failure for me...big time!

I adore asking the Divine for a word.
Something that God is going to work into me, my life... a word that brings a centeredness and intentionality to the new year we will be stepping into.
Not something I strive for, but maybe the way to say it, is something of a thread through life inside this next year.

I have been thinking on this question.
Asking God just here and there whenever the thought comes about 2013.

Last year my word was "making peace with myself"

And last week this symbol came to mind.
Boom!
Just like that in the middle of the mundane.




Aaaahhhh.... yes.

Yin and Yang.
Light and Shadow.
Balance.
Wholeness.

I looked up the meaning of ying and yang, and found this.

"In Chinese philosophy, the concept of Yin-Yang (simplified Chinese阴阳traditional Chinese陰陽pinyinyīnyáng), which is often called "yin and yang," in the cultures of Western Civilization -- literally meaning "shadow and light" -- is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world; and, how they give rise to each other as they inter-relate to one other. 
The concept lies at the origins of many branches of classical Chinese science and philosophy, as well as being a primary guideline of traditional Chinese medicine,[1] and a central principle of different forms of Chinese martial arts and exercise, such as baguazhangtaijiquan (t'ai chi), and qigong (Chi Kung) and of I Ching
Many natural dualities (e.g., dark & light, female & male, low & high, cold & hot, water & fire, etc., etc.,) are thought of as physical manifestations of the yin-yang concept.
Yin and yang are actually complementary -- not opposing -- forces, interacting to form a whole greater than either separate part; in effect, a dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, (e.g., shadow cannot exist without light). Either of the two major aspects may manifest more strongly in a particular object, depending on the criterion of the observation. The concept of yin and yang is often symbolized by various forms of the Taijitu symbol, for which it is probably best known in Western cultures.
There is a perception (especially in the West) that yin and yang correspond to evil and good. However, in Daoist metaphysics, good/bad distinctions and other dichotomous moral judgments are perceptual, not real; so, yin-yang is an indivisible whole. In the ethics of Confucianism on the other hand, most notably in the philosophy of Dong Zhongshu, (c. 2nd century BCE) a moral dimension is attached to the yin-yang idea."

O my gosh.. I LOVE that... "Yin and yang are actually complementary -- not opposing -- forces, interacting to form a whole greater than either separate part; in effect, a dynamic system. "
Shadow can't exist without light.
O MY GOSH!
Wow!

It's wholeness.
Both shadow and light.
The beauty in the contrast of both of them.

See, my whole life has been about good and bad... darkness and light. And just stop it!
Stop all the bad things you do.. and the darkness you live in. Just stop it! That was the message I have taken in my whole life. To oppose, resist and shove down and manage all those areas that my community and religious culture deemed as bad.
Well.
um.
It didn't work.
I couldn't stop. It doesn't ever go away. No matter how many times I managed my behavior and my bad darkness.
It.
never.
goes.
away.
And to live with it managed and shoved down, was to literally shut myself down. To live shoving myself underneath a sea of water. without breathe. suffocating.
Yep.
That is exactly how I felt too, now that I look back at me all those years.
Without breathe. Suffocating. Dead inside. Desperate for life.
I am still digesting that one right there, because of all that conditioning and indoctrination.
But I am seeing it more and more. It's coming tho. and it's gorgeous the wholeness that's coming.

The Divine created you and I.
Every bit of our humanity and divinity.
It's no surprise to God that managing a behavior that I have deemed as bad, is not going to work.
It never works. 
It's always right there, underneath the surface because it's a part of me.
It's always right there, ready to pop up and show it's lil' face... and do the naughty deed again. :)
Anways, I just say all that because I have realized that God isn't impressed with my managing skills!
He really isn't.. lol! I think a lot of Christians think He is...but I think it's one of those illusions we have been taught pleases God.
Reality is. I please God.
All of me.
My shadow and my light.
Done. 
(no actions required)

I think the question that comes more often in all areas is "Does this serve me? Does it add to my life or take from it?"

I had mentioned in a couple posts back that I could feel the Divine pressing on the whole "food" area again. It has just come up here and there. food. my old friend and way of survival.
It's interesting as I look back at how dead I felt.. how I was going to a source of life.
Really in a sense, it wasn't that far off.
Food does bring us life, but not the kind of life I needed.
Spiritual life.
Emotional life.
I needed a different kind of food. ;)

I have labeled many things as good and bad, and this whole journey has been about un-labeling and letting be all those good/bad areas. 
Food included. 
My body included.

Realizing everything in life has it's yin and yang... wow! 
What freedom in that perspective!
EVERYTHING.
EVERY PERSON.
It all has it's shadow and it's light.
Embracing that is to live inside of balance and that beautiful space of peace and contentment.

I am so exciting about 2013! I really really am.

I have to be super honest right now.. 
I am in a season where I have never been more lonely. Never been more stretched. Never been more free. Never felt more gloriously connected to the Divine, my husband and my children...while also feeling so disconnected from friends and family. Bewildered in that. Such contrast. But it's the whole, right?
I long to embrace the whole.
All the areas... it's easier to accept the whole of others more then it is to offer it to myself.
Looking forward to more awakening inside that.
To love me. my body. and food.
I am sure more will come up.. ha! sigh.
And you know that you will get to read ALL about it!

So here's to 2013!
I look on each brand new day, and this brand new up and coming year of 2013 with hope and expectation. 

Yin and Yang.
Balance.
Wholeness.
Embracing what is... the shadow and the light.
In me.
and.
In all things.

Would love to hear if you have a word in 2013.
Maybe it hasn't come yet.
That's ok.
It will come.

xo
Amy


Thursday, December 27, 2012

Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander... a bit of some book love.




I remember the first time I had seen Eben Alexander's face... it was just last year.

My sister was taping all these episodes of a Discovery channel tv show called "I survived...Beyond and Back".
And I would come over and we would have coffee and catch up on all the episodes. Great fun and great discussions!

If your not familiar with that show.. it's a tv show that highlights two different people and their near death experiences.
They will share a bit about their life, how they died, and their experience after dying, as well as when they come back and what their life looks like after the experience.
It's a really fascinating show.
One of the things that my sis and I love about it, is it doesn't matter what a person's religious or non-religious background is. Everybody goes to heaven. ;) Interesting huh?
Each experience is individual to each person tho.

I remember listening to Dr. Eben's story on that particular show.

Months later, I receive a book in the mail... as my sister LOVES to share anything amazing that she has read and happened upon.
She is such a blessing to this journey and to my life. I love her so much...so every now and then I will get love packages in the mail from her...this particular package was the book "Proof of Heaven".

Now, I am not usually drawn to near death experiences...probably because I have heard ALOT of those stories. But because my sister had sent this to me, I knew that it must be a very special story.

Eben Alexander is a neurosurgeon. He came down with a rare case of meningitis that completely shut down his whole brain and left him completely brain dead. The meningitis had caused him to slip into a coma that the doctors said he would never come out of.
Basically, as he explains, he was a corpse being kept alive by machines. No activity whatsoever.

He shares in his book his experience of where he was tho.
For 7 days, while he was in a coma, he experienced heaven... and I wanted to share some of the parts of that experience that spoke so deeply to me.

Three things came to him the moment he met "his angel" and began his heaven journey.
It was a message that was overwhelming to him, he said...but it spoke to me of all that I have been walking through even here on this side of eternity.






1. You are loved and cherished, dearly, forever.

2. You have nothing to fear.

3. There is nothing you can do wrong.


This was what Eben was bathed in, lavished in over and over and over. It was greater then love.. it was greater then affection...it was completely unconditional and completely complete.

These 3 beautiful truths that came to Eben as he entered and continued on his journey while he was in heaven were gorgeous and so resonated inside myself.

Another favorite part of his journey that I adored was his first encounter with God.

Eben actually doesn't call God by the name God.. he calls the Being, Om. (interesting huh?)
Om is the one tonal vibration that has been found to be in everything in the Universe... LOVE that!
No surprise right?

But in sharing his very first encounter with Om (God), Eben shares how aghast he was at the intense love and affection that Om had for him.
How Om knew Eben through and through...but also that Om, for lack of better words, Eben said, was so human like. ;)
Om laughed, and had a sense of humor.
Om had such human qualities.. that was the only way Eben could explain it.
I loved that! Of course...we are MADE in God's image.

And the question came to me...
Is God more human like?
Or am I more Divine like? ;)

There is so much more to the book then just those two things... I could share more, but just wanted to share a couple of my favorite parts!

I adored his heart, and his humble way of sharing his life and experience.

Such a glorious read!
I highly highly recommend for ever seeker on this journey to experiencing God outside of religion.


Before his heaven experience, Dr. Eben Alexander believed in science. He was a very left side brain thinker.. very logical and pretty much an atheist.
He had a scientific solution to every wonder there is in the world.
After his experience, his whole view has changed.

His heart in writing this book is to show the scientific community that all of their explanations of near death experiences can not even touch his.
Because of the nature of what happened to his brain inside of that coma and sickness. His brain was off.
There was no activity.
After coming back, he says he can see now how spirituality and science have so much in common. And they both can learn so much from each other.

Such a precious and humble man.
Really love him, and I have never even met him! lol!


A couple of my own insights after reading this book, but also in collaboration with some of the other NDE's I have heard and read about is that no where...EVER did God lay out the sinner's prayer to ANYBODY.
Ever!
There was never any talk about "believing in Jesus Christ" that was the correct combination to entering into heaven.
Everybody that has experienced heaven, even if for just a brief few minutes was welcomed and enveloped with unconditional love and acceptance.
Every person.
Even this man, Eben, who was a atheist.
That's so very interesting to me coming from a Evangelical Christian background.

Much love and life to you, precious friends..


xo

Amy



Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Righty... lefty...what do you need?

it started about two days ago.

Agitation.
Irritation.
Exhaustion no matter how much sleep I would get the night before.

Today was the peak of it all tho. I am home. Christmas has passed. My kids are home.
After working my ass off for months now... being stretched and growing in said work and balancing family life with that... Emotional from being away from my family for the first time ever this Christmas.
I got a call for a photo shoot. tomorrow. on my day off.
What do I do?
What should I do?
I am exhausted. cranky. and overwhelmed now at the thought of the photo shoot.
Plus it's an hour and half away, I will have to bring my 3 kids with me to the photo shoot (total stress right there) aaaaand it's supposed to snow some more tomorrow.

We need the money.
ugh.
I hate these moments.

So I ask myself what do I want to do?
What do you need, Amy?
What do I do?

aaaand.
nothing comes.
other then obligation to jump on the opportunity for provision for my family.

sigh.

I get an email this morning...with a suggestion.
and seriously I can't think of better timing than today for this.

"Take a pencil in your dominant hand (right for right- handers, left for lefties) and write down a few pointed questions, such as 
“What are you feeling?” 
“What do you need?” and 
“What do you want?” 
As soon as you’ve finished writing a question, switch the pencil to your other hand and write whatever words bubble up. You may be surprised. When your problem-solving mind is fully engaged, trying to master the task of writing with the “wrong” hand, hidden aspects of the self often surface."

I am fascinated by the exercise... I mean it did catch my eye, but I don't do it... I do take a bath and tell my kids I will be awhile. I took my ipod and did a couple of guided meditations.
That was nice. It brought peace and I had a pretty cool experience with God.

But after going on with my day the irritation is still right there... on my chest. ugh.

So I take my journal and pen and go upstairs to my bedroom...



I ask myself 3 questions.... with my right hand.

And move the pen to my left hand, and just write what comes.

wow.
and
wow.






I got my answers in under 5 minutes.
Crazy wow.

What's bothering you?

What do you need?

What do you want?

You can tell which was my dominate hand and which one isn't. My brain was actually frustrated byt this exercise, but my heart is at peace right now.

I am staying home...snuggling my kids by the fire and just giving myself the gift of being, sleeping and slowing down.

Have you tried this before?

xo Amy






Friday, December 21, 2012

Hi! meandering post of randomness..

Hi my friends..

so.

Quickie update'ish post for those that come here to read on that stuff... ;)

Crazy is a word that my life enfolds right now.
Busy kind of crazy.
Work.
Enjoy work. Loving the people interaction. It has felt so good to get out and be and love people.
Hoping to continue working, and interviewed for a position..waiting for the call back on that.

Loving my family on the in-between times of not working.

Amazing miracles have happened this month in the arena of Christmas money... crazy amazing miracles happened this month.

Hard and emotional as my hub and I walk through some stuff with my oldest daughter.
Really hard. raw. and so emotional.

My house is upside down...my floors need to be cleaned desperately .. but my heart is so full and I have never felt more present then I do right now..in this season.
Saying goodbye to Facebook was one of the most amazing gifts I could give myself...especially in this season where I need all my senses to be sharp, being heart lead and full on present.

Food is something that I can feel the Divine going towards.
My very very long companion of coping..food.
That one is going to be interesting.
I feel a renewing happening tho in my mind on the topic of food and healthy.
New perspectives but at a snails pace.
Love that the Divine is never in any hurry. Time is completely null and void to Him/Her.
Loving my body...my whole self... and speaking to myself with love and kindness.
It's a work in progress, but I am feeling a beautiful awakening happen in this area.
It's been one I have wanted to be renewed in, and am giddy happy that it's happening.
:)

Understanding more on the topic of my mind/psyche and my heart/spirit has been way insightful.
Read and amazing book by Eben Alexander... Proof of Heaven.
I want to write about it.
Have a giveaway too.
It was THAT good.
Wow. and Wow.
I am not drawn to books of near death experiences, but this one was just outrageous and beautiful and resonated so very much with my own journey of knowing God outside of religion.
I laughed and cried at the same time while reading it.
Also still reading Michael A. Singer's book Untethered Soul...also a life shifter for me.
Have had to take bite's of that one and savor. It's simple and practical, but also can't be a hurried read.

Aaaaand what else??

Um.. missing this space. missing my bloggy friends.
Been homesick for my family in Arizona... just the life and celebrations part.
Not the drama tho.

The new year is closely approaching and I have been asking God for a word for this year.
Mulling it around inside and throwing it to the Divine.
Last year my word/words were " Making peace".
Making peace with myself...my life.. all the areas I have constantly been in strife with.
My big "ah ha" was the simple thought of, "If I want to HAVE peace inside.. I need to MAKE peace".
Wow! Has that been the awakenings for me this past year.


Oh, I had a photo shoot.. a Christmas photo shoot other then the one I did with my little family.
That was fun. Part of the miracle that happened this month.
Christmas monies! Yay!



How are you?
Would love to know what is happening with you...
What are you reading these days?

If I don't check back in before Christmas..

I wish you a Merry Christmas and I wish and hope for you the gift of peace this year.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Happy Wednesday... :)

Hi my friends.. if you see this it's because I have decided to bring my blog back to public.

After realizing I had some people find my blog, that I thought I was afraid of, I realized I wasn't.

Let me explain.

Fear and shame have been constant companions to me...of my story..my personal thoughts... and my inner life.

I canNOT tell you how grateful I am that my blog was found by people that I thought would judge me harshly and criticize.
I realized something.
I really don't care anymore.
They can judge.
They can point the finger.
But whatever it was that kept me hiding from them is gone.
Totally gone.

Having that happen has also spun my thinking about this blog in a different direction.
Not totally different, but more wholly me.
I realized that there have been things I have wanted to blog about on here.. just simple life stuff... silly stuff.. recipe stuff... other parts of me that I didn't think my blog readers would be interested in.
I think it's time to bring my blog life higher.
Into what I fully am.
All the goofy, whimsical and deep areas of me.

I am going to bring this space a face lift, as well as a new name.

I am not ashamed of anything in my life... this life I am living is real.. authentic and raw.
It's glorious and free...and I get to do it the way I am created to do it.
I want to share that with the world and sing and write and shout of freedom AND what it looks like in the day to day.

So, stay tuned.... 2013 has gorgeous and beauty in store for this space.

Love you all so much... and thankyou for being you and sharing how you do life inside freedom.

You inspire me.

BIG BIG squishy hugs to you...

Amy the Free ;))

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Saturday morning loves.

Morning, beautiful friends..

Have just a minute and have to scoot to get to work this morning...

Read this quote from a friend's blog the other day and thought.. wow! Such the truth!


We mirror our understanding of what God's nature is.

If our understanding is that God is angry, judgmental, schizophrenic, a conditional lover and discriminates, we become that.

If our understanding is that God is love (without any but's), we become that.

~Daniel Alexander


Daniel's thought there reminded me of a question that Albert Einstein asked.. 

"Is the Universe compassionate?"

Because... 

The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which God sees me.
– Meister Eckhart, 13th c. mystic

The more I journey through the eyes of my heart, the more I see how powerful our worldview is when it comes to my perception of God..the Universe.

One dictates the other.

How I view myself, other's humanity and the overall goodness or lack of goodness in the world.

Isn't that interesting?

My sister and I were texting last night talking about this very thing... our culture is a result and fruit of a ego driven society.
Everything has to be defined and boxed up.
And if said thing cannot be defined and boxed up, it is therefore deemed as bad and cut off.
Can't you see that thinking in a lot of our society today?

When in reality, we were created to live life inside the beauty of wonder and mystery...and just enjoy the journey of that.

So... is the Universe compassionate?
Or.
Is it like my friend Daniel said... "angry, judgmental, schizophrenic, a conditional lover and discriminates"?

Just some thoughts this morning.

Beautiful Saturday to you, loves.. xo

Amy




Wednesday, December 5, 2012

New life..

Wanted to share two quotes that couldn't have come at a more perfect time...





new life.
new seasons.

We all long for them, but something I am becoming aware of is that there has to be a death or a completion of the old before the breakthrough of the new.

Have seen this pattern before..and am seeing it again today.

It's so present and before me... thought maybe you are seeing it too.



For anything new to be born, the existing arrangement of

particles and situations must die.

~Martha Beck


“Every positive change–every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness–involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.” 

~ Dan Millman, author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior


xo
Amy



Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Devices.

I just came across this really interesting photography project by Zack Arias.

His project "de_VICE" is reaaally interesting.

This pic.. is one that I have seen a LOT around me.



Photography source = Zack Arias

An opportunity for connection, but with device in hand...nothing.

A internal fear of mine is that my children will have a picture of their mom looking just like this man.
My face not looking at theirs, but at my "device".. whatever it might be more times then not.
Computer, phone, tv, etc..

My prayer for a very long time has been that I would always choose what is real and present, and not what isn't.
Because I would find myself choosing my devices over my families' sweet faces.
And that makes me tear up even now.

"Why?", I would ask myself.
Knowing full well that the device was not what my heart longed for.

Something I came to realize is that I was hiding.
From what?
From me.
From love.
From vulnerability.
From emotion.

Hiding behind all these many devices.
Hiding behind busyness and activity.

Longing for connection, but looking for it in the wrong places.
Hiding from the vulnerability of what was real and settling for the safeness of what was not.


Now, please know, I don't think smart phones are wrong...neither is email, computers or social media.
They have great benefits.

But what I am finding is that they are not beneficial for me.

Maybe it's my own tendency to get wrapped up in virtual life...to get sucked in by it.
Or maybe it's my own sensitive nature that is highly affected by it.
I don't know.

Just yesterday, it happened again.

I was sitting down to catch up on my emails, thinking my family was distracted in other things.
Thinking I had a few minutes to read and respond to a few friends.
And my littlest started calling my name from the table.
Just right behind me.
But I couldn't hear her.
Something has happened to my hearing...
not my first level hearing, but my second level hearing of listening.

Hearing and listening are very different.

She must have called my name 6 times before I looked up to respond.
And once I did, she had already gotten to the give up place.
"Never mind." she said with face looking down to the ground.
I stood up.
Picked her up.
Looked her in her eyes.. and said, "I am here. I am so sorry for being distracted by the computer again. Please tell me, love, what do you need."
She needed help with her homework.
sigh.

So.
Once again, I make a internal decision to be present.
To my family.
To myself.
To my life.

I don't want my children to remember their momma staring at a screen, like this man above, while they are in need and calling my name.


untitled-176-Edit.jpg


Choose life today.

xo

Amy




Sunday, November 25, 2012

Avoidance.




I get these little daily email bites from one of my favorite author's and life coaches, Martha Beck.

Normally, I just skim them, and take what jumps out at me, but last week I received one that made me think.
I was in a hurry, as I had 5 minutes to check my email before my kids needed to get up for the day... and this particular bite jumped out at me.

I saved it and it literally kept coming up in my thoughts all day long.

Here's is the quote... I LOVED THIS!

Once we’re willing to confront our emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear. Where we used to think about what was “safe,” we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities.

Ask yourself this: What would I do if I stopped trying to avoid emotional pain?
Think of at least three answers.


~ The Willingness Factor: Learn to Avoid Avoidance


Everything inside me screamed YES!!

"Once we're willing to confront our emotional suffering, ( and not fear it ) we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear!"

Such the truth!!

This thought kept visiting me through out the day, I had to come back and read the entire article this excerpt came from.

It is on the topic of avoidance!

So so encourage you to click over and read the rest.. it was so good!

I have since been mulling this around inside...asking myself the questions...

What areas am I living inside of avoidance?
What areas am I living inside being "safe"?


To answer Martha's question.. What would I do if I stopped trying to avoid emotional pain?

I know what my life would look like if I stopped trying to avoid emotional pain... it would look absolutely FREE!
Free to live inside the space of not questioning the hell out of ever single life choice... of following my heart completely.
I know there are areas that I walk inside this freedom, but I want to call out all the little areas that I continue to live inside avoidance in.

The word that comes to mind when I think of that word, "safe" is illusion.
That safe feeling isn't real.. it truly is an illusion of safe.
Because safety cannot be found externally, it has to be found internally.
Just like joy, peace and contentment.

After some life seasons of intense unknowns, I so see like never before how living a life of avoiding what I perceive as pain, is not a life of living inside freedom.
It's very dangerous and it is a life full of bewilderment to believe that unless my life is pain-free, then I am not living.. I am not happy... that there must be something I am doing wrong, something wrong with me, my life, my husband, etc...
So what I will end up doing is living a life of survival, and finding the next "high" of happy... or "high" of reaching this or that. But soon it fizzles and I have to start striving and working towards the next "high"..the next moment of reaching towards the illusive invisible carrot

I wonder a lot if many of our addictions comes from this survival space and the illusion that I am reaching for... this space of avoidance? ;)

I think there are a couple factors that play into that concept and that illusion... definitely our culture's message that happy is how you should always be, and if you are not, then something is wrong with you.
And of course all the marketing that says if I eat this, I will be happy.. if I have that, I will be happy, I am have this amount of money, I will be happy...etc..
And most definitely the religious stuff that says if you are not happy and don't have a pain free life then you are doing something wrong, or it's the devil or it's God's wrath, etc..
It's wild, because when I think of Jesus, I think the church would shun his suffering and pain.
Talk about a totally twisted message from the truth that even Jesus lived out.

But really, most generations past have known that life just has pain... life will be uncomfortable... you will have fear, but you just walk through life situations with it, and you don't let it hold you back.
Many cultures even today, they understand this truth.

In fact the definition of the word brave is not to have lack of fear, but to go where your heart is leading you despite the fear.

I am so ready to shed this delusional mindset.
And live inside the beautiful truth that life WILL BE uncomfortable... in fact, some of the greatest accomplishments are going to come with the greatest degree of fear and pain and discomfort.
I mean, think about giving birth...what beautiful fruit comes from hours, sometimes days of contractions, blood, pushing, intense pain... what incredible beauty comes from that?!!

I long to come into that complete space of no longer editing my words, actions and my life choices according to staying safe and letting fear rule...but of living inside the truth of the willingness to step towards where my heart leads. Accepting that the fact that fear will be present, and life will be uncomfortable and have pain.
It's a truly freeing space, isn't it?
I can see it. feel it. touch it.

I really love the word that Martha uses.. willingness.
Willingness is that space of accepting that with most of my the greatest decisions and faith steps, fear and discomfort will be present.
It's just honestly a fact.
But they will not always be there.
They are not a permanent fixture.. just an emotion. a feeling. a thought. a thing.

Acceptance and willingness.
Not fear and avoidance.

Can you see yourself living in that space of willingness?

What areas are you living inside avoidance of pain and discomfort?

What would you do if you stopped trying to avoid emotional pain?

Just some questions to ponder this beautiful Sunday...

Much much love and freedom to you...

xo

Amy

***Note on comments. 
I have made a choice to turn off the comments on this blog for now.
To offer freedom to you, my readers and friends...that you would find a safe place and a UN-obligated place here. 
Never feel because I comment on your blog, that you need to come and read and comment here. I don't want anybody to ever feel that way or to come here out of obligation.
But please come if you feel a connection and you find life here. 
I desire for this sacred space to be a place of authentic connection, and that is my heart..to authentically connect with you.

I DO love feedback and conversation. 
I would adore hearing from you...so if you would like to share something, please feel free to shoot me an email at amythefree@hotmail.com.

But again, please please be free to not comment as well.

My hope is always that you find hope and life here, but never duty and obligation.

xo Amy

 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Define me.



She walks.
Path in front.
Silence surrounds.
Her hand in His.

Today a restlessness is come.
Stirrings and agitation arise inside.
Questions of value. of belonging.
From deep inside a little voice asks..
"Define me.
Who am I?"

He looks at her. into her. deep deep.
Eyes burning with love. passion.
He says nothing.
Looks forward again and continues to walk.

Frustration.
Anger.
Bewilderment.
She says again.
"Define me."
Tell me... who am I?"

Again He looks at her.
Love turned to compassion.
Eyes burning.
Face ambivalent.
He says one word.
Gently.
Resolutely.
"No."
And looks forward again and continues to walk.

Desperation.
Fury.
Anguish.
She asks again.
and again.
"Define me.
Please... tell me.
Who am I?"

He looks again.
Seeing her desperation and condition.
Her cry for value and her addiction to definition.
He shakes His head and softly speaks.
"No.
No, my love.
I will not define you."

She cries.
Falling to her knees.
Grief.
Longing.
Aching.
Pleading...
"Please! Please!
Define me!
Please.. tell me who I am!
PLEASE!

This time, He stops.
Reluctant resolve He sighs.
He speaks.
Every vibration of His voice rings out a song of love and understanding.

He whispers...
so soft.
so sure.

"You are."

He smiles.
He waits.
He whispers again.

"My darling, YOU ARE.

You are all and everything.
You are light and you are dark.
You are sweet and you are savory.
You are summer and you are winter.
You are heaven and you are earth.

YOU ARE, my love.

You are.

You simply ARE.

You, see... to define you would be like you trying to define Me.
It is not possible.
It cannot be done because there are no words to define something that is indescribable.
I won't define you because I can't and I won't.
It would be a greatest cruelty to my beloved to do so and I will not do it.

You are all and everything."


She sighs.

Deep soul sighs... one, two, three.
Knowing sighs. resonating sighs.
Every word a breathe blowing out every flame of worry...every lie of inadequacy and un-belonging.


"Yes.
It's true.
I am."

She nods.
He smiles.

Her hand in His.
Turning toward the path again.
They walk.



xo
Amy

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Quick little music love post... ;)

Hi loves... just wanted to post my new favorite CD that I have on repeat these days...

Mumford and Sons... this is their song Babel.. oh man it's so good!

Love their unique sound and their words are so rich... ;)

Thought I would share some music loves today!






Babel
by Mumford & Sons


Cause I know that time has numbered my days
And I’ll go along with everything you say
But I’ll write home laughing, look at me now
Through the walls of my town, they come crumbling down

And my ears hear the call of my unborn sons
And I know that choices color all I’ve done
But I’ll explain it all to the watchman’s son
I never lived a year better spent in love

Cause I'll know my weakness, know my voice
And I'll believe in grace and choice
And I know perhaps my heart is fast
But I’ll be borne without a mask

Like the city that nurtured my greed and my pride
I stretch my arms into the sky
I cry, Babel, Babel look at me now
Through the walls of my town, they come crumbling down

You ask where will we stand in the winds that will howl
As all we see will slip into the cloud
So come down from your mountain and stand where we’ve been
You know our breath is weak and our body thin

Press my nose up to the glass around your heart
I should’ve known I was weaker from the start
You’ll build your walls and I will play my bloody part
To tear, tear them down 
Well I’m gonna tear, tear them down

Cause I know my weakness know my voice
And I'll believe in grace and choice
And I know perhaps my heart is fast
But I’ll be borne without a mask

XOXO

Amy

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Quote love...

Loved this...

"I want to know God's thoughts..
       the rest are mere details."

~ Albert Einstein

xo
Amy



Monday, November 5, 2012

Day 1 Meditation Challenge and Day 3 of unplugging from FB

Hi loves...

Have to tell you how my very first meditation time went this morning... I have been so freaking scared of meditation... full of fear of the spirits I would let inside my bubble of protection...

You remember that teaching? The one about opening up your spirit to evil and deceptive spirits if you entertain or participate in any eastern philosophy activity..i.e. meditation, etc.. even tho the Bible talks about meditating... but oh no, it's not the same kind of meditation.
Is there any other kind of meditation??
I mean, really?

Yeah.. that lil' fear has been very present...so I would take time to "be quiet", making sure to never call it meditation...just "being quiet" time.. lol!

But with looking on this next season, longing for more freedom, depth and clarity.. I knew I had to make a purposeful time and life for quiet.
For me, stepping away from Facebook was definitely in that equation.
To choose not to be allow it to distract me from what I know I need to step into... the quiet I have been deeply longing for, but so scared of at the same time.

I have been reading a book that I so recommend.. it's beautifully written and so practical.
It's a book by author Michael A. Singer called Untethered Soul.

Seriously highly recommend! It was SO incredibly insightful! My sis sent it to me, and I have so enjoyed the "ah ha" moments while reading it.

It has helped me understand more about fear and the functioning of the psyche.
Realizing that my Self and my Spirit have not been in the drivers seat of this life, but my lil' ego/psyche. It's trying it's hardest to do a job it was never meant to do... like manage, care and keep me safe.
That is utterly impossible... realizing I have been asking my psyche to do something that would be the equivalent of super natural, really isn't fair.
Really my Soul/Self and my Spirit are supposed to be in the drivers seat, and the psyche/ego is simply meant to be a tool, or an aide so to speak in this life journey.

Michael, of course, explains this so much better then I can. Again, highly recommend his writings in Untethered Soul. So so so good!


So, last week I received a email, and this 21 Day Meditation Challenge from Deepak Chopra.
And I thought... perfect timing.
 The longing inside to experience God outside of religion, and setting aside a purposeful time to just be and receive sounded Divinely sent.

Today was Day 1.

I had the idea of posting every day of my 21 Day Meditation Challenge, but honestly, it wouldn't happen. lol!
Just too much going on, but I will share as I can!

Thoughts from my time this morning...

I chose to use a guided meditation... one that I found by Deepak being as this is a challenge I am accepting from him.

If you are interested, it can be found here.
It's about 14 minutes long.

I began my meditation.. and as you breathe you are supposed to think the word "So" on your in-breath  and "Hum" on your out-breath.
Not say it, just think it.

My head was HILarious... it was all over the place, but it was really nice to know that all is as it should be, and I found it really centering to come back to So Hum.

As the time went by and there was just me and my little So Hum's... I could feel myself hoping that Deepak's voice would come back. I think I checked the time around 6 minutes, and closed my eyes again.

Focused back on my So Hum's... and then this wave of emotion came over me.
Tears came flooding to my eyes, and I found my breathing was hard to keep paced, so I let the tears fall and let my breathing change with the emotion.
Then the emotion left.
And I don't know how long it was between my first wave of tears and this next one, but again tears and emotion came rushing to my eyes... I just let the tears fall.
They came... and then they came some more.

Then all of sudden this big wave of gratitude came.. I could feel God with me and me so grateful He was there.
So precious and so near.
I just enjoyed that space.

Then all of a sudden the tears that had fallen, had fallen down my cheeks, then they reached my neck and started to tickle my neck, and I could NOT stand them sitting there anymore, so I brushed them away.. lol.

And then the time was done.

Wow.

I loved it so much... I have been so giddy. Just full of joy. (not that that isn't a big woo woo thing with me..) But the joy is deep..and I keep sighing.
I couldn't tell you why tears came, I just let them, and didn't judge them or ask questions.
I know when I come near to things that are Divine, it's my bodies one big response..tears.

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Did you take the 21 Day Challenge? If not, do you meditate? I would love to hear about your first time!

BIG hug.. and peace to you my friends..

xo

Amy

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sunday loves and just randomness..

Morning to you, my lovies...




Just have a few minutes to spare before I start on my day.

~ First, we had our first official snow dusting here in CO!
It was so fun!

~ This is my favorite picture of the week... ;)



~ I start my new job today.. yeeks.

I am really excited...it's customer service based, and I am finding I have a really big passion for great customer service. I get so irked when a situation arises and somebody needs help, only to not got any, and to be treated like an inconvenience when they make a little noise to a employee.

Soooooo, I start that today. :)

~ Lots brewing in my heart that I will write as I can... I have more family coming into town next week, with a full week of work, and a house to prep for them.

I did unplug from Facebook again. I had been drawn back in because I felt I needed to promote and market my photography business. Felt like I had a pretty good handle on it, but then, low and behold, my head is noisy again, I have started to distract myself with it again... it's just time to unplug from it again.

Originally I just did the de-activate my FB account option, but yesterday decided to take the plunge and just completely delete my account.

I keep on seeing myself living life away from it... like little snippets and glimpses into the person I know I am and want to continue to evolve into. And this Amy isn't distracted, but she is purposeful and present.

Do you ever see that?

It's something new that has begun to happen with me living more from my heart... I have always caught pictures and I can see scenarios play out when it comes to people I just meet, or God or even my own loved ones. Like little movies of things that have happened in their life and deep gut intuitions and knowings about them.
But these glimpses of myself are new.
I catch these little snippets of myself... and now I understand it's my spirit and my heart showing me what living from my heart's desire would look like.
Being so visual, it's a powerful motivation... to actually catch glimpses of what it would look like for me to live fully present, living in freedom and wholeness.

And part of that is seeing myself less plugged into virtual/internet land, and more being present and living in real life land ;)

~Oh and I loved this post by Kind Over Matter.. so so good. So resonates what is in my own heart.

~ Aaaaand I am so drooling over this recipe for Double Crunch Honey Garlic Chicken..


I must make it tonite for dinner! I just must!

~ And the very last thing I wanted to share was something that I am so excited about.. I adore Deepak Chopra.. and he is having a 21 Day Meditation Challenge starting tomorrow... I am so looking forward to this. I know I need it.. a.l.o.t.
Here is the linkie to that too if you are interested.. The 21 Day Meditation Challenge.
It's free, and that's so nice too :)

... ok, have to scoot! I have my sunshine boy up and he is roaring to go this morning.

Loves and a beauty-filled Sunday to you...

xo

Amy

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Some Rumi love...

mmmm.... soaking this in today....


You embrace some form
saying, "I am this."

By God, you are not this
or that or the other

you are "Unique One"
         "Heart-ravishing"

you are throne and palace and king
you are bird and snare and fowler

like water in jar and river
are in essence the same

you are spirit are the same

you every idol
prostrates
before you

your every thought-form
perishes
in your formlessness."


~Rumi



xo

Amy

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I love...



Talking to my sister yesterday about love in marriage, love in intimate relationships... and she said something that so resonated in my heart. 


Love.. authentic love chooses to love the other as a whole.

the yin and the yang... 
the light and the darkness. 
the strength and the weakness.
the contrast.
the sparkly parts and the shadows.

When we love and accept the other as a whole, the love and freedom we offer each other is completely un-fathomable...it's so vast and self-less.

We offer freedom... in it's truest and purest form.

And those very things that we love, adore and that drew us to the other, their strengths, their shiny sparkly parts... all of them have contrasts. 

There is always a contrast to every strength.

For me, when I think of my own relationship... the very things I adore in my hub, his contrast to those strengths are the very things that drive me nuts!
And him me, of course.. ha ha! 
;)


It's funny because alot of the times that I have said, "I love you".. what I have been really saying is..
 "I just love the shiny sparkly parts of you..the parts I deem as "good", and the "other" parts, eh... not so much."

But that's not love then, is it?


That is some kind of half-truth, conditional, self gratifying love.


And along with that, there is always this striving and trying to change the other person...

or appeasing or altering things in the environment to make those dark areas go away. 
The agitation of their shadows...scraping, grating on something inside of me....but me never asking myself why their shadows and contrasts agitate.

hmmm... ouch.

Instead, what Love says is...

I love you. 
All of you. 
Every part... 
light and dark.
I embrace it ALL.

I. just. simply. love. YOU.

The freedom inside this love is that I can step back from my having to change you. or the environment or whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable.
I can enjoy you.
and know that God has you.
He is with you.
You hash our your journey. and I hash out mine.
Embracing the ashes and the beauty.
The wounds and the healing.
And we get to just love each other.
Realizing that without one there wouldn't be the other ;)

Practicing this takes such a weight off.
It's honestly the greatest relief! 




Just to unfold this further and share where this has gone in the last, oooh 24 hours, 
I have been practicing this love and acceptance inside myself. 

Learning to accept me wholly.

It's intense accepting the areas that religion taught me to despise and shove down and control.
And I am finding I have some MAJOR walls in this area.
Slam. 
But after my conversation with my sister, this truth has domino'd itself inside me... and I am wondering if this is one of my walls.

If I can't offer this to my precious life partner.. my children.. my mom and dad.. my siblings.. my friends..
then.
How in the world can I offer it to me?
I can't.

It's the whole. 

It isn't possible to offer it to only some, and not to others. 

It's like... making peace to HAVE peace.

Making peace with all things, in order to be filled to overflowing with peace inside.

You cannot contain or nurture peace inside until you MAKE peace with all the areas internally and externally that you are at war with.

My eyes are being open to how great and how powerful LOVE truly is.

I long for it in all places inside me.

But if Love asks me to love and accept my own light and darkness.
Realizing that without one, there would not be the other.
Then it also asks me to love and accept all those in my life.

wow.

That's a hard one. because there are people that I don't want to offer that too.
Like my Egypt land... the people who scowl and criticize.
Yep.

Loves says even them.

But really, if I can take a few steps back, I know that I can say I am grateful for religion because without it, I would not know the life and breath of freedom.

Finding the contrast to the shadow, so to speak.

(deep breath)

I am so thankful for these truths.
When I slam into those walls in those areas I long so deeply for freedom in.
I cry.
I slam my fists against them asking WHY!
Why can't I get this?

God, I am so thankful for answers to those unspoken heart groans.
So thankful.

And questions I am mulling around inside...

Why does my husband's contrast grate on me?
What is in me that wants to repel that contrast in him?
What does it trigger?
Why the discomfort?

Hard questions for me to answer.
Really hard.

Like, my brain freezes up and a big ol' cloud of nuttin' comes.. ha!

sigh.

Learning and walking..

Would so love your thoughts, if any come up in you.

Loves to you, my precious friends..

xo

Amy the Free

Adding this.. Rain posted this song in the comments.. it's spot on with this post.. big whoa.






"Everything"

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.


You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here


I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.


You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here


What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go


I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known

I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known

I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes.