Monday, October 24, 2011

Quietness.

Freedom.
Fullness.
Alive.
Present.
Here.
Creativity.

I long for each one so intensely. So enormously.
The longing is so much that the loss of disconnecting from all that isn't present and here in front of me in a real sense (media, texting, computer, etc...) is so much smaller then the longing for freedom, fullness, aliveness, being present, and creativity

I have been crying out for these things...they aren't things really.. what would they be called.
Spaces? Places inside?

Literally crying out from deep places and waiting for the answer to come.
What must I do? Be? Go?

The answer that arose from inside me is one that has come before.... quiet.

"Amy, turn off all the noise and be quiet. What you seek will come."

We recently returned from a trip to our beloved and soon to be home state of Colorado.
It was gorgeous...fall had come and kissed the leaves...so much so that the color was so vibrant it almost hurt my eyes. It was so beautiful.
Tho it was a busy trip with many many appointments...as well as traveling with 3 awesomely active kiddles.. ha! It was exhausting, but absolutely exhilarating.

The weather, the beauty of the mountains, the slower pace that fills the air..... sigh...just what this heart needed.
But upon my return back home, I couldn't shake that something had shifted inside...and this incredible longing began to ache and resonate from within.

Longing for no longer settling for anything other then the best life that is offered to me in this moment. Longing to hear my heart more clearly. Longing to stop missing out on my life. Longing for choosing what is best, not what is good or good enough.
Longing to sit at the table that is set for me, instead of sitting on the ground waiting for scraps to fall to the ground.

So, I have stepped into this place of quietness.
And it has washed over me, and within my heart has settled a peace and a contentment that I have never known.
I so hope for it to stay...to make it's home forever in my heart.

It's been so much more then I thought it would be. My pace has slowed. Emotions have come in waves... alot of tears have washed over me.
It's been so good.

A couple days ago, I lay in my bed...I had just had a big, unloading, decompressing cry...
and in the stillness I heard,

"See it's in this place of quietness that all you have been asking Me to show you will come."

And more peace came and flooded me.

Just wanted to share with you, Cat..Rachel..Kmarie..all my bloggy friends that I don't know yet by name, where I have been and what has been going on with me.
I have missed each of you so much.
One of my greatest concerns in my blog writing absence is that you think I have flaked out and left you.
I know that has happened to me with other blog friends I have met, and it made me really sad.
I don't want you to feel that I have left you, and that I don't think about you in the silence of my being offline more.

I honestly don't know what I am going to do as far as blogging goes.
There is a new enjoyment of simply living my life, enjoying the moments and the truths that are coming without feeling this great push to share it all...does that make sense?
It feels so good to just have it as my own.

Another area that I think is changing in me is my "value meter".
For so long I believed the lie that I had no value.
So I would go on the hunt for it. Like a beggar holding a sign,
"Will be all you want me to be if you just show me that I have value. Do I have value?"
Starved and thirsty for it.. desperate. I searched high and low for it...everwhere and in everything.

In pleasing people, to being who they wanted me to be so they would like me therefore giving me value, to finding value from comments and mentions from people on Facebook or on my blog, to knowing important people or being a part of the "special and important" crowd.
It's a insatiable beast that lie.

And the TRUTH that is seeping into all the cracks of my being is that I am valuable because I am me.. and I am my Creators. He adores me, and I am valuable because I am His.
The Truth that I am worthy of all that is good and true just because.
The Truth that I get to live from my heart and I get to follow it because that is where God resides in me and where He leads.
The Truth that I get to have a choice in all of this. (There's another area that I felt completely powerless and raped of...the lie that I had no choice.)
The Truth that I don't have to read about other people's lives and adventures, but that I get to LIVE my own!


All of these areas, my gosh.. this process started years ago, but I am finally just now starting to believe it!!

I am coming awake from a very long slumber.
An awakening to a life that I have stayed purposefully asleep to because it wasn't my own. I lived it for everybody else, for the church, for my parents, for all the female stereotypes of what a good Christian woman is... I have never lived for me.
So, tho I still have sleep in my eyes, and I am rubbing it away.... Half awake and still half sleepy...I don't want to run the risk of not following the leading of my heart and falling asleep again.
I have used food, computer, and busyness to stay asleep and numb to life and all feelings.
I want to be fully awake.
I am catching glimpses, and my heart jumps within from the beauty of what I am seeing.
Amy living life fully alive and fully awake is a glorious sight!


I can feel my heart reassessing all these areas that I once found value in, that I once kept myself asleep with.
Stepping towards each area and asking it, " Why? Why are you here?"
"Is this a place that you used to draw value from or is it a life flowing place for Amy's heart?"


Consciously, I just feel I have stepped back from a lot of these areas, and these are the heart rumblings that come up in me.
It's just all so interesting.

I have all your posts saved in my Google Reader, and I have read as I can while I am here at work.
You are dear, and I love each of you... if you ever want to talk, please email me!
That's the best place for me to hear from friends.

I don't know how this is all going to look or turn out, but I just wanted to share.


Choosing quietness today....
Amy