My goodness, lovies... I feel as if I should update and have had so much in my heart to share, but the flip side is I feel it would all be upside down and inside out.
I have started so many posts, and I re-read them and they make no sense at all.
My sis and I were talking yesterday, and she was giggling at my responses lately of where I am in life and this whole journey... she said, " You say interesting ALOT."
We lol'd because I have to honestly say, I am completely befuddled. Interesting is such a great adjective for me... :)
Anywho, this season has been so incredibly interesting. Interestlingly hard. Full of twists and turns and curves in the road.
I keep on having a reoccurring dream about babies and nursing babies.
My first few dreams were me nursing other people's babies...
Then the last one was about me nursing my own adopted baby.
I haven't always been a person that believes dreams are significant, at least my dreams.
Normally I don't remember my dreams, but recently having these same dreams over and over has caught my attention.
I brought these dreams to God and talked to Him about them.. especially right after I had the last one, and a couple things came up in my spirit.
1. That my hubby and I have been in a incredible season of transition. Neither here nor there. We are in the in between space. Not where we were, but not where we want to be either.
And by using the word transition, the meaning that it has really come to be more and more is like a women in labor...THAT kind of transition. Tho we are at a in between space in our journey, it is that...but the intensity of emotions and pain and yearning truly is that of having a baby.
I was sharing with my hub what transition feels like... it is that space of pain and your bodies yearning to have your baby that is so intense, I remember thinking to myself, " I think I am actually going to lose my mind."
Tho I didn't because just a minute later the pain turned into pressure and wanting to push.
He looked at me, and laughed... he most definitely feels this way too about this season.
So transition came up in my spirit.
2. The second thing that I felt was that this new season we have been so desperately longing for FEELS like having a baby to my feminine heart. I just think that is so interesting. I heard it said once by Stasi Eldredge that as women, we are life givers and even tho we might be finished having babies... that doesn't mean we stop giving birth to new life.
I have to say that is SUCH a truth for women, don't you think?
So being closer and closer to this next season for me feels like giving birth to something new.. new life.
Those were the couple of little insights that I had about my crazy baby nursing dreams.. ha!
Because in all honesty, I don't want to have another baby. I feel so content with our little family... my three little lovies.
I am going to share with you, if you can bare with me here... I don't want my post to get too long, but I want to share what this season has been and what we are desiring so greatly.
Way before my hub and I were let go from our home church nearly 4 years ago... we began feeling restless. But not restless in that we weren't grateful or content with where we were...restless in a deeper place.
We had both been a big part of our home church... my hub had been there for over 20 years, and I had married from my dad's church right into my hub's church. We loved the people there, lead worship together, we were on staff and the income was pretty nice too. They took really good care of us. So there was no really big reason to want to ever leave, you know?
The restlessness wouldn't subside... no matter how much we rebuked it, shoved it down, ignored it.. it wouldn't leave. Right around the same time, we began thinking of moving to another state. We have both lived in Arizona for most of our lives... me my whole life, and him 3/4 of his life. Really longing for nature and 4 seasons... something smaller and slower paced... cleaner air and cooler temperatures. I had always thought I would like to live in Colorado one day... a friend lived there when I was a teenager, and it was just a place I had heard great things about.
I remember the night we were discussing it, He was in the kitchen and I was on the computer... and I just blurted out... " How about Colorado?"
And ever since the desire has grown in our hearts.
We have since visited a handful of times, and LOVE it there. About 3 years ago, my hub and I actually took a job out there... closer to the Denver area. BUT, the closer we got to our moving date, the more uneasy I became. I had concerns about the area we were moving to, when we had visited there I had concerns about the church we were being hired to minister at... the pastor's wife had some really big issues... I couldn't shake the anxiety. I was also really concerned about our son. Our son has special needs... he is Josiah.. so full of life, creativity and love...but he has some processing issues and learning disabilities because of them...as well as speech and language. He has had SO much help here... I can't even tell you how wonderful that has been... and in the area we were moving to, I couldn't find the programs he needed.
Anywho, long story short we ended up NOT going. It broke our hearts, but it was a relief as well. Josiah was the reason we stayed in AZ. His teacher and I had a heart to heart about him.. she had really big concerns about him. So we stayed. And staying was the most incredible choice we could have made. Our son has since been exposed to some incredible therapies, as well as is thriving in school. He is almost 10 now, and has some solid time under his belt. His teacher wants to integrate him into the general ed classroom, and feels he is ready for it. This was a turning point for us. We had been living and healing and learning, and waiting and waiting and waiting.
Pushing desire to the side, hoping but not dwelling on what we don't have...but dwelling on what we do have. My hub has been self employed and hopping from what would provide for our family. He has done construction until the work ran out, and then began driving as a medical courier.
I of course got myself a job and am working at my son's school as a SPED Teachers Aide and also doing some clerical and assistant work for the SPED... just 3 doors down from my Josiah. (he thinks that pretty special, and so do I.) Aaaand the whole job thing for me is a whole 'nother post! ha! I will do that another time.. it's been interesting to say the least. There's that word again.. lol!
It's been quite the road, you guys.. quite the road. We had to file bankruptcy after my hub lost his job at the church. We lost our house, but listen to this... we have lived in our house now for 2 years mortgage FREE!! My hub has said it from the beginning that he felt God was going to enable us to stay here until we moved to Colorado.. and I cannot tell you how crazy it is that we are still there. If we had to move, there would have been NO way we could have paid a mortgage payment. Not even with me working at the school. I don't know what we would have done. We are still in our house and by next May it will have been 3 yrs with no mortgage payment. We have learned to live on so little... our way of living has simplified incredibly. I am grateful for so many treasures along this journey, and would still walk this out if given the chance for a do over. It's been really hard, but it's been priceless as well.
Treasures like my hub and I shedding religion. Knowing God and peace in a totally different place and depth. Truths that I would have never sought out had I never been moved from our cushy job 4 years prior. Really really getting to know who I really am, my spirit, my essence... the real Amy. Not the obligated, layers upon layers of roles, hurt, guilt, religion Amy anymore. But Amy the Free. Amy the Fearless. Amy.. Papa's girl... Papa's songbird. I wouldn't have ever known all of this had I not left that space.
Now, here we are. We have set a date to move to Colorado, May 2012. Right after the kids are finished with school, we are out of here. It feels so right, and it feels so scary.
So many things could happen between now and then.
Our finances are so small and so tight... thankyou God there is always provision for the bills and for food on the table...but I really yearn for abundance...not so I can have stuff, because stuff doesn't make you happy...just enough so that we can meet the needs of our children, get their teeth and our teeth cleaned, have shoes and clothes when we need them, that kind of stuff...just the essentials..and also so we can give. We do give, but I would love to give more.
We have been trying to save, and have so far to go.
We have no insurance, so any ER visit or sickness could take that little nest egg in a flash.
The bank is starting to move forward on foreclosing our house.
My husband has some teeth stuff that could happen any time.. his wisdom teeth are moving and could really cost a lot of money if we have to have the removed.
And some other things.. but all these little shoes around us that could drop at any minute.
The unknowns... they are the worst fears.
So what do I do?
I have began practicing stillness like nobodies business.
I have hunkered down and am determined to LIVE in today and in the NOW.
I speak Truth constantly to myself... this is my life, not in another state...not in another job... THIS. HERE. NOW. This is my life.. Today is my life. I want to live it, and embrace and grab with all gusto and take the peace and grace that is in TODAY!
I read books that breathe life into me.
I listen to music that breathes life and comfort to me.
I have been unplugging alot more because the voice seem so loud to me in this space of the journey.
I also talk alot with my hub.. I talk to my sister.. and we can share and cry and encourage each other.
I seek out Truth.
I started a gratitude journal.
I have been really trying to become very intentional at gratitude...at finding blessing in each day.
I play with my kids... and hug and kiss them more... because Mommy needs it, and they love it. :)
That is how I am living.
Last week was an especially hard week. Cat, sweet Cat emailed me just when I needed it.
I was a complete mess.
Working has been hard for me. Being away from home and struggling with not being closer to my girl's school has been hard for me. My job has been hard for me. I cry every Sunday night and Monday morning.
My hub is a glass half empty, but trying to be a half full kind of guy, and he gets really down. Keeping my chin up and the energy in my home up for our kids is so important to me. I want to love on him on his down days, and that pulls from me. I am exhausted alot of days, and even tho he doesn't know it, it takes alot of inner strength to muster up back rubs and connection time with him. It's my joy to offer that, but most days it's really hard. I know every wife and partner can understand that. Sometimes it just flows, and other times..eh, not so much! Ha!
But where I find strength and peace is remembering that I can step into this moment, and breathe...and close my eyes, and be filled with grace. There is always grace for right now. And that is how I make it through all this uncertainty and all the fears that are shouting at me from the sidelines. So I keep moving forward...not shutting myself and the dreams and desires that are in me, but now living too far in advance either.
I am so grateful for Truth.
For the peace that is here now.
If you have reached the end of this post...thankyou for taking the time to read this. I am sorry if it doesn't make sense... I feel like I don't really make a lot of sense these days... lots of "interesting" and things that happen, I just step back and go, " wow.. hmmm.."
But thankyou thankyou thankyou.
Loves and so much gratitude for my bloggy friends...