Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fantasizing about life.

{Precursor warning.. this is raw, transparent and really a glimpse into one of the deepest parts of me. If you are sensitive to things of a sexual nature, please don't read anymore.
I am not afraid, as this is me and my story... just want to be sensitive to my readers that might struggle with a really raw conversation.}

I have a favorite time that my little brain loves to fantasize... nap time.

I don't get to nap very often, but when I do, it seems like my mind likes to go to new worlds and far away places when I do.

So today, being a nappy kinda day, it was another opportunity for my little brain to go down fantasy road again... I don't mind so much as long as eventually I fall asleep.


I feel more like 2 people these days..

Amy... the authentic, whole and spirit of me.

&

May....the me that, oh I don't know.. the me that is walking this journey out and falls, and struggles. Maybe this is my ego. My mind. This part of me feels like a little girl at times.


Today as I tried to nap, and here we go, thinking on all sorts of things..

Amy steps in, and asks May what she is feeling... why is she feeling empty to touch and kindness.

Realizing May doesn't NEED to actually go down that road into naughty fantasy land today... because May is really a happily, sexually satisfied women. Amy sees that May is struggling with something alot deeper then this fantasy.

What is it?

Why are you feeling empty?

What are you feeling?

Amy waits...

Sleep begins to come, and a thought bubbles up....
" I don't feel alive. I want to feel alive, and I don't feel alive."

Amy realizes this is the answer to her question.... ah ha.... it unfolds more....

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