Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fantasizing about life.

{Precursor warning.. this is raw, transparent and really a glimpse into one of the deepest parts of me. If you are sensitive to things of a sexual nature, please don't read anymore.
I am not afraid, as this is me and my story... just want to be sensitive to my readers that might struggle with a really raw conversation.}

I have a favorite time that my little brain loves to fantasize... nap time.

I don't get to nap very often, but when I do, it seems like my mind likes to go to new worlds and far away places when I do.

So today, being a nappy kinda day, it was another opportunity for my little brain to go down fantasy road again... I don't mind so much as long as eventually I fall asleep.

I feel more like 2 people these days..

Amy... the authentic, whole and spirit of me.


May....the me that, oh I don't know.. the me that is walking this journey out and falls, and struggles. Maybe this is my ego. My mind. This part of me feels like a little girl at times.

Today as I tried to nap, and here we go, thinking on all sorts of things..

Amy steps in, and asks May what she is feeling... why is she feeling empty to touch and kindness.

Realizing May doesn't NEED to actually go down that road into naughty fantasy land today... because May is really a happily, sexually satisfied women. Amy sees that May is struggling with something alot deeper then this fantasy.

What is it?

Why are you feeling empty?

What are you feeling?

Amy waits...

Sleep begins to come, and a thought bubbles up....
" I don't feel alive. I want to feel alive, and I don't feel alive."

Amy realizes this is the answer to her question.... ah ha.... it unfolds more....

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Obedience or good judgement?? {A parenting post }

Being outside the shame of religion, I find my parenting is changing...

Read this thought this morning, and wanted to share it with my freedom friends...

Excerpt from Playful Parenting....

Obedience or good judgement??

“Instead of trying to get children to be obedient, I recommend that we strive for them to have good judgment.

Obedience lasts only as long as we are in the room with them. It does not help a child know what to do in a brand-new situation.

I think every parent has had this experience:

Children do something so wild that we never thought of making a rule about it. We usually punish them anyways, because they ‘should have known better.’ But we can’t expect them to have a flexible intelligence to figure out what is right or wrong in a new situation if we have taught them to obey only by enforcing rules. Our world is so complex that children need to have intelligence and good judgment, not just rules.

The goal of most punishment is obedience. Good judgment, on the other hand, comes from talking with children, brainstorming about how they might handle different situations, and discussing moral dilemmas. We have to be on the same wavelength with our children before we can have these types of conversations, so connect first. Connecting with children after they’ve done something wrong, listening to how they feel about it, and telling them calmly how we feel, all do much more to instill good judgment than punishment does.

Children develop into thoughtful, considerate, honest, and kind adults because of love and affection, because of high moral standards, and because of a close relationship with someone who models those values. I have never seen anyone punished into being good. Bribes don’t work either. Promises, threats, rewards, and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealing with human beings.” Since humans can think and reason, and because close connections are so important to us, it makes more sense to use loving and talking as the basis for our discipline. “

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Love and Justice

O my goodness... I LOVED this...

Love and Justice

I’m not sure how many times I’ve heard people say things like “Well, yes, God is love, but God is also just…”

It’s almost like they are afraid that if people believed that God really loved them fully, that they would take advantage of that and immediately run out to go on a sex and murder spree or something. It’s almost like they believe that love is only this shallow, timid fondness that is easily conquerable and trampled over. They say it kind of like a person saying, “well, yes she is pretty, but she is smart too..”

They say this in an attempt to communicate, “I don’t want you to misunderstand me here and think that God is ONLY loving…because then you will probably not be afraid of him and just go out and do whatever you want to.”

I think that this view demonstrates a shallow and inappropriate understanding of both love and justice.

Love can be ferocious.

I love my wife and my baby girl, Amelie, and if anyone would try to do something to hurt those girls, I would ferociously try to protect them. If Amelie tries to stick her fingers in an electric socket, I would be ferocious in making sure that she didn’t. If I needed to, I would yell, or slap her hand away or do anything I needed to do to make sure she didn’t get her fingers in there.

Love IS just.

If my neighbor is being unjustly accused of something by the law, and I don’t step up and seek for his justice, then I do not love my neighbor. If that woman can not feed her children, and the people around her love her, what do they do? They seek justice for her. They help her provide for her children. This is just. This is loving. They go hand in hand. Justice is about setting things to right, and love always seeks justice for those who need it.

It is for these reasons that I believe that God is ONLY loving.

“Loving” doesn’t mean weak or passive. Love is strong. Love builds what he needs to build and destroys what he needs to destroy for the sake of his beloved. Love is passion. Love is justice. Love is wrath. Love is kindness. God IS love.

Perfect love casts out fear. This is because love is better than fear. Fear gets you to obey the speed limit if you suspect that there may be police around, but love for the passengers in your car makes you drive carefully. Fear can get you to obey rules, but it cannot transform your heart. Religion that is based in fear says things like “well, yes God is love, but….”

No. God is love. Period.

Written by Michael Gungor...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Gender of God??

Music of my Heart... song love

This is such a cheesy song.. lol! But it's really beautiful.. the words...

Just reminds of Love coming down and unveling the eyes of my heart to His heart, and then my own.

My hub and I are musicians and vocalists, so we get asked to perform and do music for all sorts of events. We have a wedding coming up and this couple asked us to sing this song...
I had never heard of it!
It's beautiful :)

"You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. (music of my heart)"

"Music Of My Heart"

You'll never know
What you've done for me
What your faith in me
Has done for my soul...

You'll never know
The gift you've given me..
I'll carry it with me (yeah...yeah...)

Through the days ahead
I think of days before
You made me hope for something better (yes you did)
And made me reach for something more

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love...
Is the music of my heart.. (music of my heart)

You were the one
Always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through

You were the song that always made me sing
I'm singing this for you (singing this for you baby)

Everywhere I go
I think of where I've been (think of where I've been)
And of the one who knew me better
Than anyone ever will again

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (you opened the door)
To something I've never known before...
And your love...(your love)
Is the music of my heart

What you taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me

Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free...

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart
Help me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Help me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Help me hear the music of my heart
You've opened my eyes
You've opened the door (opened the door)
To something I've never known before (never, never, felt before)
And your love...
Is the music of my heart..

Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Have been reading some different posts from friends today... scriptures on the topic of love.

Alot of "Jesus says" scriptures...

So while we are on the topic of "love and loving others" another scripture that comes to mind is,

" Love your neighbor as yourself."

Now if you would, just stay with me here... how in the heck am I supposed to love anybody, if I don't love myself?

How am I supposed to know how to love if I hate myself?

How am I supposed to love when all I know of myself is loathing, self hatred, and cynicism?

Or even more, how am I supposed to love if I have no idea what that word means?

What if my definition of love is to make you love me and find value in me because I don't love myself?

Is that love?

Or what if all I know is a demented and twisted form of love that was shown to me growing up?

Is that love?

We have to be so careful of what we put on people because what makes total sense to you, will become big time bondage to another person.

I have heard those words from the pulpit so many time...

" Just love. Just love, you selfish people. Just get over yourselves and LOVE!!!"

But there is a question screaming from every person's heart, " But how?"

"How do I love? I want to love, but how?"

They don't KNOW how..

And you can't fake it, and you can't force it.

You fake or force love on someone and they will smell it from a mile away. That isn't love. That's some weird distorted version of love.

You know it in your heart of hearts when someone has mouthed the words, " I love you." and they don't mean it.

You just know it's not true.

Love has to be SHOWN.

Love has to be experienced FIRST before it can be given.

And once experienced over and over again, until it's deep in you, and you are completely convinced that you are indeed loved, THEN and only then can you show it.

Because when you are convinced that you are indeed LOVED and LOVABLE, then you can start loving yourself because Love has shown you that you are indeed so valuable, and so worthy of belonging and of connection to God and others.

And quite honestly, most people have no clue what that word means. No clue.

Learning what love is, is a life process... for most people it doesn't come over night.

It really comes in a personal "ah ha" moment revelation of God meeting YOU, in your day to day, and Him showing you He loves you, in this day, and in your life, right where you are.

No performance. No stirring it up. Just you and God.

My own life example is,that after years and years of sin management and making my self good enough to please God, I reached my wits end. I had dug myself into a whole so deep I couldn't crawl out of it. And this God of Love, He met me in that place. He actually met me in my deepest pit of despair.

There I was, lying in my own filth and addictions and hopelessness, He was with me.

He spoke directly to my heart with the kindest tone I had ever heard and said,

" I love you, Amy. Yeah, I know about all the sin, all the coping, all the survival skills.. I know about it all... I can handle that. I love you, Amy... not what you do, or what great talent you have.. I could care less about all of that stuff when it comes to your heart. I love you. I am not going anywere...we are going to start climbing out of this place."

And for me, that was the beginning journey to learning what REAL love is, And God de-programing my mind and heart of the false definitions I called love, and He has put in HIS definition of love.

And this God of love that I am learning of, and catching glimpses of, is NOTHING like that God of my religion.


This is what I have learned about God's love.

Love has no agenda.

Love doesn't TAKE from you, it asks.

Love is truth to every single lie you have believed about yourself and your worth.

Love creates freedom.

Love is grace.

Love sees the YOU that you were destined to be, and it calls that out of you constantly.

Love believes in you.

Love trusts you.

Love isn't selfish.

Love isn't insecure.

Love lays down it's life for another even when we would say the other doesn't deserve it...

Love sees the authentic you.

Love celebrates every baby step you make.

Love is Life and it creates LIFE in those dead areas in me.

Love is kind and gentle, not harsh and mean.

Love waits and love is patient.

THAT is my God. That is my truth.

So when Jesus said, " Love your neighbor as yourself."

When Jesus said, " This is the command I leave you, love one another as I have loved you."

This is the love I am learning of... this is love I can let overflow onto my fellow man.. this is love that my God models and is the example of everyday of my life... He shows me by His example, so that I can know what it looks like, tastes like and feels like in the deepest parts of me.

"Love one another as I HAVE LOVED YOU."

Thursday, July 7, 2011

These are your people :)

What is love?

The definition that I have learned is:

I love you as long as you make me feel ok, and you abide by my rules of what normal is and what I deem is ok, then I will love you.
But should you change, well.. the whole deal is off.
I will withdraw my love until you get back in line.

That is how I learned love.
Those might not have been the words spoken about the definition of love, but they sure were the actions.

I am learning different tho.
Love isn't about how you can make me feel better about myself, it's you and I embracing each other's hearts as is.
Love doesn't make you change so that I can feel better about me.

I am so grateful for these defining moments... I have known for so long that I didn't know love, but I am starting to see it more and more.
I have asked God so many times lately to show me, to bring it to my attention...
And the one definition is that love isn't selfish.

This post by Christine was powerful... it was really powerful.
I have it bookmarked and have read it so many times today.

This definition of love was so good....

"The people who are your people love you because of you and they wouldn’t have it any other way. They embrace your dark places – they allow them to be what they are – they even celebrate them. – They don’t see your changing as a threat – they welcome it as an opportunity for growth. They give you space for your heart and mind to expand.

These are your people."

<3 <3 <3


Friday, July 1, 2011

New directions with food....

Hi loves..

I posted over on my Choosing Freedom blog...not one that I have talked about, but it's a very real area for me... the area of food.

If you are at all curious or interesting... just click here to read more!

Oh.. and I saw this today... made me smile :)

Love the... " You were created limitless." part :)

hugs and loves...