I have had alot of conversations this week with someone in my life I dearly love.
She is in a very hard situation in her marriage.
Listening to her and a bit of strong advice her counselor has directed her to do in her marriage today, my stomach turned.
I was shocked.
It felt as tho her counselor and this strong request had completely stripped my friend of all voice and choice in a particular situation in her marriage.
She has a son involved from a first marriage...her counselor and new husband have basically said she needs to send her son away to live with his father permanently, and choose her marriage.
There was no middle ground.
No more conversations.
It's either do this, or choose the end of her marriage.
It's either send your son, or her husband is hitting the road.
Inside I was screaming, "What?!"
As I sit and listen to her, as she cries and tells me how stuck she feels.
I can't help but put myself in her shoes.
Honestly, NOBODY should ever be put in this kind of space. Nobody!
It is seriously the most unkind, and most selfish thing that any person could do.
But as I sat there, and thought on this... it was an easy choice for me.
I would choose my son.
If you are going to put me in this kind of choice, and MAKE me choose, I would choose my son.
I would choose to leave a marriage that doesn't embrace my child AND I.
There's is a whole lot more to the situation obviously, and I don't need to get into that.
But what absolutely floored me was this counselor TELLING my friend what she needed to do.
To me, that is NOT a good counselor.
A good counselor asks great questions of you.
And you, and God in you come to the answers.
So the question I have been thinking on a bit is...
When is it ok to let go of something as big as a marriage, after you have realized that the person you married wasn't the person he portraited himself to be before you were married?
When is it ok to step away from a situation that is toxic and is death, especially when it is a marriage?
I have my thoughts, and they are not at all in line with what my conservative friends would say. As a mother, I can see how easy it would be to let go of such a demanding situation.
To chock it up as a HUGE lesson learned.
From hense forth until my son is on his own, this season is not about me, but about him, and growing him and bringing the best balance I can so that he has equal parts me and his dad.
So so heavy for her.
It makes me wonder if there are situations where people might be married, said the vows, had the sex, played the roles but really never joined hearts and became one?
To ME, marriage is so much more then vows, sex and roles.... it's a nakedness of heart, a vulnerability, a joining of hearts and lives.
And that process is intense.
It's a constant choosing of each other... of choosing to see and WANT the best for each other.
It's of loving even when you don't feel you love... and really being inside someone heart.
I think of my husband, and what we share in our relationship is so intense.
He is in my heart, and I am in his.
I don't worry about him when he isn't with me, because I know that he carries me with him always, and I him.
THAT is marriage to me...but it's taken time, walking life together, a ton of hard work, as well as choosing to come together and not war at each other...of baring all and holding nothing back...
Which brings me to my friend again...
How can you become one with someone who will not reveal their heart to you?
How can you become one with someone who doesn't embrace ALL of you....like my friend here with her son?
How can that oneness happen when there is no nakedness, or vulnerability...or of having a learning heart and a open ness that we make mistakes?
I know she isn't the only one in a situation like this.. I know so many people in marriages like this, and they feel stuck because of what religion has taught them about divorce and marriage.
For me, I don't care what it might be, if a certain person/situation brought continuous death to my heart, and it was a choice of choosing continued death versus life.
I would choose life.
Bit of a rant, I'm afraid....