Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Needs...

Bit melancholy lately.

Was journaling today and what came out was interesting.
It really boiled down to worthiness.
I was so agitated last night before I went to bed...really a grumpy butt.
Agitated, angry and frustrated.
So, I got my kids to bed, and headed there myself.
Woke up a bit calmer, but the emotions were still waiting for me.
Blech.
I hate feeling angry. Hate all the emotions that are hard, to tell ya the truth.

So, I woke up extra early, got my happy cup of yummy goodness (a.k.a. coffee), and stammered to my corner.

Journal waiting.
I glare at it, really not wanting to write all of this down, but knew that I really needed to or the day ahead was gonna be an ugly one.


Knowing that this is really what my heart needed, I start to write.
And when I write, I don't do anything in particular. I simply just start writing.
Just whatever comes to mind.... situations, people, feelings, my helplessness....
Most of the time I have seen just giving voice to all the feelings and emotions is enough.
Just validating them, and acknowledging that they are there is enough.

It feels like I am walking through a sea of voice...needing my attention.
Almost like walking into a room with all these people standing around with something really pressing to tell me. Something that is near and dear to them, and they need my full attention.
And once they are heard, it seems contentment comes to them and they sit down.

That's how I look at these times of journaling out of my heart.
Just like that room of faces...faces with a story to tell me, that only I can hear and validate.

Once I did this, and gave voice to all that my heart was feeling, I could really make out something clear... a sense of longing and vulnerability came up after awhile.
Longing for relationships that I will never have.
Vulnerability for feeling this longing and having this desire of these relationships... and a sadness that they are not what I had hoped they would be, and probably never will be.

I also keep coming back to what I need.
What is important to me in friendships and relationships with people?
It's a really hard question for me, because I feel handicapped in this whole "connection" process. I do.
I have always been in the church.
Born into a very church oriented family.
Pastor dad who's dynamic in our relationship was to pass on that being a part of the "special" club is the only place to be.
Stepped into being a part of the "special and IN" club in my dad's church, and then marrying into a bigger "IN" club.
My connections with people were surrounded by them wanting to be with me because I was in leadership, and therefore didn't require of me a whole lot.
Alot of relationships were built around being in the same ministry, and me being their leader.
So when I say I am handicapped, I mean, I am reeeeeally handicapped in this whole connection and relationship area.
I have no freaking idea what I need in a relationship because I was always told to be nice to everyone, and that we all should be friends and include people.
I also had people liking me because they wanted to be where I was at, and rubbing elbows with leadership was important to them.

Amy being a person who was likeable wasn't something I had to think about.
I was intoxicated with being on the 'in' crowd... I liked it when I would walk around in our big church, and people would see me and whisper to each other..." There's Amy..."
Addicting...oh yeah.
Gone are those days tho. I don't want that anymore, but I find I am here now, and I feel completely unsure as to how friendship even looks.
What does it feel like and taste like?

Just feeling my way through.. wondering what to let go and what to keep?
Yearning in a huge way for connections that are healthy and authentic... and wanting to let go of those connections that are not.

Ok, so question for you... how have you found connection outside of the 4 walls of religion?
How do you hear and feel what you need?

Needs... hmmmm....
Friendship...hmmmmm

Peace to you.
Amy

5 comments:

  1. "Most of the time I have seen just giving voice to all the feelings and emotions is enough.
    Just validating them, and acknowledging that they are there is enough."
    yup! it is a good thing....

    Friend,
    first of all love this post
    I always love your openness and honesty with yourself
    so good
    Second I love the your gave up FB because you post more here...and here is the real deal and I like it
    Third
    Friendship is like any other relationship...it requires time, unconditional love, open honesty, for me the deeper I want to go entails me to be more and more open
    sometime friendship is uncomfortable, sometimes it is even not so fun
    But for myself, friendship has always been the corner stone of my life...I have found family in friendships...
    You have to take risks to get past the acquaintance stage, that is where time becomes your friend
    It is so interesting to me that you struggle with this because for me, I have found you to be easy to connect with....why do you think that is?
    I think that anyone would be lucky and blessed to call you friend.
    Maybe it is time to let the person I see out for everyone to see...and not be afraid
    you are beautiful Amy, inside and out
    what you do or what club you are in does not measure your worth as a friend...I know that you know this. : )
    You will find your way to friendship friend, you already have a friend in me.

    Have a wonderful day
    Love and Light

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  2. Alright- that is a Big deep question that I will attempt to give s brief summary on. I was the same way. Really. In the church ect. Then stopped going 6 years ago. The first two years I went through withdrawal- it was tough.

    But then I avidly prayed for a friend- just one who would understand. I also decided to take matters into my own hands and started a moms group in my home on spiritual books I chose. I would pick women who were open to understanding even if they believed differently than I. A good book that appeals to many women in many differing belief systems is Joan Chittister's Wisdom Distilled From the Daily. I have had 7 differing moms groups since them. Two of which I found life long soul buddies. I also did Keirsey Temperment book 'please understand me' with each group so the women would form a tight nit bond. There is a method to women bonding- too many people allow it to just happen but frankly it takes work and certain group exercises to get them all to love each other, trust and get along.( I can write you more on that later.)

    And then low and behold my friend with no religious affiliations came into my life. We can talk about spirituality and anything but there is never any pressure to believe a certain way. I had never experienced a friendship not based on religion. She opened that door for me. With concepts learnt from that friendship I am finding my religious friendships are easier now too.

    You know the key is really only picking a few women you trust to speak about spirituality and then with the rest only alluding to your journey. It is best to just focus on fun, learning about each other through temperaments, and discussing life in general. When spirituality comes up train yourself to not divulge where you stand. Believe me many people will try to get out of you EXACTLY where you stand. Just say something like "You may be surprised. I might be more liberal on that than you think or I might be more conservative. We may be more alike than you think." And just keep saying that if they push. People like to feel like you are similar- it is less frightening. This is not fake- it is just having boundaries. The spiritual journey is private and contemplative. But it is also shared- but only with people you have a heart of understanding differences.

    Now, I have very satisfying relationships with some of those church people because it is not based on beliefs and when it is = I pick a neutral topic of gently explore. None of my friends ( except one) know exactly what I believe. I have learned how to do this without making them feel left out.

    I would highly suggest reading Joan Chittister's books and also Brian Mclaren. You can have your beliefs- just maybe re-train your brain from the church way ( which is that you always have to share your beliefs) It's tough but it is worth it. Sometimes it is so hard for me to stay silent but later God brings other people into my life who share similar thoughts and then I can speak. It is an amazing fulfilling way to be. I love my friendships. I have many soul friends and ten years ago I had zero.
    It takes time and tons of initiative:)
    Wishing you friends who care enough to be different:)
    You will get through this desolate time. I did and am so fulfilled now..but it took about 4 years. Worth it though.

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  3. Cat, I so appreciate your friendship too! <3

    What you said, " You have to take risks to get past the acquaintance stage, that is where time becomes your friend"... thankyou for sharing your experience and your thoughts on friendship. Getting more connected with myself and heart, I know that what you are saying is truth. I so desire some really great friendships in my life. I do have friends, but I am finding I am having to step alot out of my comfort zone and face weird fears. I ask myself, what the heck is my deal with picking up the phone and calling a friend? What is the deal? Why the butterflies and the fear? What am I afraid of? I know I am likeable, and that these friends are direct gifts from God to me... just having to walk towards fears these days. And also just know how to be a friend... I feel so messed up with this.. like I really don't know what that means.. isn't that crazy? I think it's because of all the religion, and the secrets and hiding from people that I learned from my parents. It's all I know to do... I have hidden from my husband, children, friends... now it's time to come out and live, and I feel befuddled.

    Thankyou again for your thoughts, my friend.. love you.

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  4. Kmarie.. thankyou lovie for sharing your journey and experiences with people. Means so much that you have walked this out, gf! Seriously appreciate all you shared. Gonna check out your book recommendations! I am with you on the freedom to NOT share everything with everybody.. .it's so true that religion tells us we have to share it all and be on the same page with people in order to have "fellowship" with them.. the whole light and darkness...yoked and un equally yoked conversation comes to mind.. lol! I love what you did to cultivate friendship by just putting together a mom's group.. you went after it... love it!
    After reading yours and Cat's comments, I have a bit of clarity on the whole area. I think I am still trying to be the "right" kind of friend, and wanting to be do what is "right" as far as how to be a friend. Lots of food for thought, friend...so so much to consider.
    Thankyou for all you shared!

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  5. Hi there - you don't know me, but I'm a friend of Charissa's- same town, etc.
    I just got to know her through one of her mom's/women's groups.
    Funny thing, I don't normally blog-surf-but here I was, feeling and experiencing most of what you've written in your last two blogs.
    Been there - left the leadership/church connection in this past year, even though my husband is still a pastor there (gasp) - finding my way with God and asking Him to fill and pour through me; mainly I want to walk in the Spirit and have the REAL connections with people that He wants. So as a result of my decision, I'm now close to a few people I wouldn't have been otherwise, who also got tired of the church/spiritual game-playing.
    I voted myself off the Island, and I'm in the thick of the vast ocean with God in a little dinghy - and once in awhile I dive in (only when I see no sharks or storms :))
    Sometimes my hubby joins me in the dinghy - mostly him and the kids enjoy island life.
    Somehow we're all working this out; my heart will not allow me at this time to join the game any more, but we'll see - maybe I'll infiltrate later, and pass on a few secrets of life in the big bad ocean.
    I loved the A.M. song - exactly where I've been for a few days. Never quite belonging anywhere (hence the dinghy); but feeling also more open to belong wherever.
    I heard a good one on the Christian station today : "What Do I Know of Holy" - I don't know the singer.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Miriam

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