Bit melancholy lately.
Was journaling today and what came out was interesting.
It really boiled down to worthiness.
I was so agitated last night before I went to bed...really a grumpy butt.
Agitated, angry and frustrated.
So, I got my kids to bed, and headed there myself.
Woke up a bit calmer, but the emotions were still waiting for me.
I hate feeling angry. Hate all the emotions that are hard, to tell ya the truth.
So, I woke up extra early, got my happy cup of yummy goodness (a.k.a. coffee), and stammered to my corner.
I glare at it, really not wanting to write all of this down, but knew that I really needed to or the day ahead was gonna be an ugly one.
Knowing that this is really what my heart needed, I start to write.
And when I write, I don't do anything in particular. I simply just start writing.
Just whatever comes to mind.... situations, people, feelings, my helplessness....
Most of the time I have seen just giving voice to all the feelings and emotions is enough.
Just validating them, and acknowledging that they are there is enough.
It feels like I am walking through a sea of voice...needing my attention.
Almost like walking into a room with all these people standing around with something really pressing to tell me. Something that is near and dear to them, and they need my full attention.
And once they are heard, it seems contentment comes to them and they sit down.
That's how I look at these times of journaling out of my heart.
Just like that room of faces...faces with a story to tell me, that only I can hear and validate.
Once I did this, and gave voice to all that my heart was feeling, I could really make out something clear... a sense of longing and vulnerability came up after awhile.
Longing for relationships that I will never have.
Vulnerability for feeling this longing and having this desire of these relationships... and a sadness that they are not what I had hoped they would be, and probably never will be.
I also keep coming back to what I need.
What is important to me in friendships and relationships with people?
It's a really hard question for me, because I feel handicapped in this whole "connection" process. I do.
I have always been in the church.
Born into a very church oriented family.
Pastor dad who's dynamic in our relationship was to pass on that being a part of the "special" club is the only place to be.
Stepped into being a part of the "special and IN" club in my dad's church, and then marrying into a bigger "IN" club.
My connections with people were surrounded by them wanting to be with me because I was in leadership, and therefore didn't require of me a whole lot.
Alot of relationships were built around being in the same ministry, and me being their leader.
So when I say I am handicapped, I mean, I am reeeeeally handicapped in this whole connection and relationship area.
I have no freaking idea what I need in a relationship because I was always told to be nice to everyone, and that we all should be friends and include people.
I also had people liking me because they wanted to be where I was at, and rubbing elbows with leadership was important to them.
Amy being a person who was likeable wasn't something I had to think about.
I was intoxicated with being on the 'in' crowd... I liked it when I would walk around in our big church, and people would see me and whisper to each other..." There's Amy..."
Gone are those days tho. I don't want that anymore, but I find I am here now, and I feel completely unsure as to how friendship even looks.
What does it feel like and taste like?
Just feeling my way through.. wondering what to let go and what to keep?
Yearning in a huge way for connections that are healthy and authentic... and wanting to let go of those connections that are not.
Ok, so question for you... how have you found connection outside of the 4 walls of religion?
How do you hear and feel what you need?
Peace to you.