Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Music loves...

Had to share this one...

Great big goosebumps with this one <3

Love by Sugarland





Love

Is it the face of a child
Is it the thrill of danger
Is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger
Is is more than faith
Is is more than hope
Is is waiting for us at the end of our rope

[Chorus:]
I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is is standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

[Repeat Chorus]

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a change to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

[Repeat Chorus 4x]

Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

Is it making you laugh
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life, for your life, for your life the most


Life to you :)
Amy

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Life outside the big ol' FB :)



I thought it would be fun to chat about what life has been like outside Facebook..
Yep.
The big FB :)

I would love to post that it's been incredible and AMAZING, but I would be lying oh so badly if I said that.

It has been good and really really eye opening, but it's also been hard and painful.

So pardon this post...it's gonna be a bit random...I am just going to type as thoughts come.


It's been really quiet. ;)


It's been very interesting.


It's made my virtual world alot smaller and a lot quicker.
I am on and off in a snap. That's interesting.
It's much easier to pull myself away from the computer as well, and that is nice.


I have made more phone calls and emailed more people then I have in my whole life.And this is coming from a girl that isn't a phone lover.... but now, you know what I think it was? I think I was afraid of people...afraid of authenticity....mmmm hmmmmm..
Thankyou Facebook for uncovering that little weedy root. :)


Less mind space has been wasted on wondering who posted what or if anybody posted a comment on my status. But the space has gone to other things like being creative, loving my family, fun activities for my kids while we are home for the summer... life stuff :)


Less mind space has been taken up period.
Just to be in the moment and not have to fill every little bit of "nothin" space with a quick FB check, has been really awakening!

I have realized I don't really have as many friends as I thought I did. That's been really sad to me. People that I have emailed and reached out to outside Facebook, they don't reciprocate. On one hand I am glad because I want what is real and true....on the flip side it has made me sad.

I don't miss the drama on Facebook.

I have had some stuff come up that I think was being masked by that silly social network... just the fact that I have relied heavily on my own self "ok-ness" by who is commenting, and then being devastated when nobody commented. What a shallow and very sad thing.

People don't like to communicate anymore outside of FB. No more emailing... no more phone calls... I have missed parties and get togethers because people only talked about them over Facebook and didn't pick up the phone. Isn't that wild?

I find I am here and available to my kids and hubby.

I have more time to love on them and be present in their lives....isn't that what life is about? Living and loving those around us?
I hope that in time they forget the mom that used to stare away from them and at the computer, and remember a mom that looked them in the eye and listened to their words.

I do miss my brother and his photography. But being the doll he is, he started uploading them somewere else, just so I could see them :) Such a sweet brother he is!

I have come to a strong realization that Facebook was a addiction to me. Not so much the actual site, but what I longed to pull from the site, if that makes sense?
I wanted genuine connection and community... I wanted validation and the answer to my question, " Am I ok?"... It's really hard for me to type all of that.. I can feel myself wanting to quick hit the delete button, but just keeping it real here. That's my deal..that's my question...and nobody can answer that, but God. For me, going to Facebook to make me ok, always made me come up wanting more.
Just like any other thing out there...FB wasn't designed for me to draw life from. It can't do that.

I have also been working so much at my new job, I haven't had a whole lot of time to click around...but my oh my, when I am alone at night...right before bed....I find I do miss it.

I have started reading now...and laying longer with my kids in bed...snuggling them, listening to their hearts open up at night.... just more time to linger and take them in, and enjoy them.
More time to listen to my hubby, to touch him, rub his shoulders after a long day....
I do feel more peace has come and taken up that space.

My honey and I have started dreaming again, and that has been amazing. :)
Dreaming and making plans... plans for the future. Adventures and big leaps of faith.
:) That makes my heart soar.

I am not as annoyed all the time and agitated.


Life feels a lot simpler.
My thinking has gotten a lot clearer.

I do miss the daily life updates from dear, real life friends... I did like feeling a part of their daily lives even tho we are miles and miles apart..
I do miss contributing to conversations that are rich and in depth about topics that we are passionate about.
Email just hasn't been the same compared to Facebook in that dept, and with work more hours lately getting on the phone has become virtually impossible. I do miss that alot.
I have felt lonely lately. Not for my hubby, not for my kids, but lonely for my girlfriend connections....girl talk, momma talk, laughing and just connecting like that.
I miss that.

So... that is where I am at.
I know more will come, and I will add that to the list ;)

Such a mixture of emotions on the topic...

I am truly finding that the more steps I take in the direction of being authentic and seeking out those things that are real and cultivate life in me, the less I care to dip into those things that don't.
And for that.. I am so grateful.

Life to you today...

<3 Amy

Monday, May 23, 2011

Vulnerability....loved this!

Just love love loved this post by one of my favorite author's Brene' Brown!


So good! Hope it brings your heart life today...boy oh boy, I can check off every single vulnerability feeling on this list... wow!








Sometimes the toughest part of embracing vulnerability is recognizing vulnerability. There are so many secondary emotions that spring to the surface and grab our focus. I wrote this in my journal this morning as a little reminder to look deeper, be mindful, and practice self-compassion. I don't want to shut myself off from vulnerability because I don't want to miss out on what it brings to my life: love, creativity, joy, authenticity, courage, and hope (just to name a few).


It's always so helpful to be reminded of the many ways that vulnerability shows up in our lives.


Vulnerability is __________________.


Vulnerability feels like ___________________.




Life to you today, friends..


<3 Amy

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Missing you...

Hi friends...

Just a quick note before my lovies start to stir this morning.. I am missing my blog and my bloggy friends so much.
I started a new job position at my work, and my hours have doubled....so my weeks are a big blur.
Just trying to keep balanced and get my exercise in, as well as loving on my hub and babes, things like email and blog writing and reading get put on the back burner.
Just wanted to post a note and let you know I have so much stirring in me, I can't wait to sit down and write it all out. Much to share, but until then, please know that I am thinking of you...and will be here soon soon... hoping sooner rather then later! ha!

So I will leave you with a song that I love and a pic from my life :)

This little bug makes my heart soar... :)





Favorite song to date...
Weightless by Natasha Bedingfield... cranked up and on repeat in my car ;)




I have to keep reminding myself
I’m not like anyone else
That’s my face
I’m not ugly
That makes me VIP
No one exactly like this
No one with my fingerprints
No one can touch you like me
I can’t fake what you see
They told me, girl
To get your way
You’ve got to be a bitch
They say you got to get through it
If he’s not filthy rich
You stop his little changes
’til you don’t know who you are
Surround yourself with friends
Who only call you a superstar
Oh yeah, oh yeah
But you don’t know who you are
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey I’ll go
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
A million dark balloons heading to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
All the things I hold in my fist
If I don’t let go, I don’t exist
They’ve become the things that define me
How I look and love, things can buy me
That’s not important anymore
I feel me writting on the floor
Light as a feather, I’m carefree

I’m weightless
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey I’ll go
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
A million dark balloons heading to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
You told me, girl
To get your way
You’ve got to be a bitch
They say a guy wont get the girl
If he’s not filthy rich
That seems to me you’re so heavy
And weighs you down lately
Don’t wanna be, someone I hate
‘Cause that too make no sense, No
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey I’ll go
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey I’ll go
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
A million dark balloons headed to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go
I’m weightless, I’m weightless
Im free as a spirit,
Oh oh oh yeah
I'm weightless

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Song love.

Music is such a lifeline to me in this journey of life.

Always changing, but always a constant.

I have been listening to Alanis Morissette's newer CD lately...

This song Limbo No More..love love love.

For so long I truly feel I have been asleep, hiding and living in somebody else's life.
Waking up to this life God has given me, has felt so very much like being in limbo no more.

:)


Alanis Morissette : "Limbo no more" by DanielOsbourne78




My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to god
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

My taste, my peers
My identity, my affiliation
All the more feels indefinite

Nothing's been clear
Nothing's been in
Nothing's felt true
And I've never had both feet in
Nothing's belonged
Nothing's been yes
Nowhere's been home
And I'm ready to be limbo no more

I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent and notably me

Tattoo on my skin
My teacher's in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
Sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
'Cuz I'm ready to be limbo no more

:)

Life to you today, friends.... may we all vow to be limbo no more.

Amy

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Needs...

Bit melancholy lately.

Was journaling today and what came out was interesting.
It really boiled down to worthiness.
I was so agitated last night before I went to bed...really a grumpy butt.
Agitated, angry and frustrated.
So, I got my kids to bed, and headed there myself.
Woke up a bit calmer, but the emotions were still waiting for me.
Blech.
I hate feeling angry. Hate all the emotions that are hard, to tell ya the truth.

So, I woke up extra early, got my happy cup of yummy goodness (a.k.a. coffee), and stammered to my corner.

Journal waiting.
I glare at it, really not wanting to write all of this down, but knew that I really needed to or the day ahead was gonna be an ugly one.


Knowing that this is really what my heart needed, I start to write.
And when I write, I don't do anything in particular. I simply just start writing.
Just whatever comes to mind.... situations, people, feelings, my helplessness....
Most of the time I have seen just giving voice to all the feelings and emotions is enough.
Just validating them, and acknowledging that they are there is enough.

It feels like I am walking through a sea of voice...needing my attention.
Almost like walking into a room with all these people standing around with something really pressing to tell me. Something that is near and dear to them, and they need my full attention.
And once they are heard, it seems contentment comes to them and they sit down.

That's how I look at these times of journaling out of my heart.
Just like that room of faces...faces with a story to tell me, that only I can hear and validate.

Once I did this, and gave voice to all that my heart was feeling, I could really make out something clear... a sense of longing and vulnerability came up after awhile.
Longing for relationships that I will never have.
Vulnerability for feeling this longing and having this desire of these relationships... and a sadness that they are not what I had hoped they would be, and probably never will be.

I also keep coming back to what I need.
What is important to me in friendships and relationships with people?
It's a really hard question for me, because I feel handicapped in this whole "connection" process. I do.
I have always been in the church.
Born into a very church oriented family.
Pastor dad who's dynamic in our relationship was to pass on that being a part of the "special" club is the only place to be.
Stepped into being a part of the "special and IN" club in my dad's church, and then marrying into a bigger "IN" club.
My connections with people were surrounded by them wanting to be with me because I was in leadership, and therefore didn't require of me a whole lot.
Alot of relationships were built around being in the same ministry, and me being their leader.
So when I say I am handicapped, I mean, I am reeeeeally handicapped in this whole connection and relationship area.
I have no freaking idea what I need in a relationship because I was always told to be nice to everyone, and that we all should be friends and include people.
I also had people liking me because they wanted to be where I was at, and rubbing elbows with leadership was important to them.

Amy being a person who was likeable wasn't something I had to think about.
I was intoxicated with being on the 'in' crowd... I liked it when I would walk around in our big church, and people would see me and whisper to each other..." There's Amy..."
Addicting...oh yeah.
Gone are those days tho. I don't want that anymore, but I find I am here now, and I feel completely unsure as to how friendship even looks.
What does it feel like and taste like?

Just feeling my way through.. wondering what to let go and what to keep?
Yearning in a huge way for connections that are healthy and authentic... and wanting to let go of those connections that are not.

Ok, so question for you... how have you found connection outside of the 4 walls of religion?
How do you hear and feel what you need?

Needs... hmmmm....
Friendship...hmmmmm

Peace to you.
Amy

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Friends {Honor Your Journey}

Goodmorning to you :)


Just wanted to share a blog post by a friend, that touched my heart yesterday.
My friend, Jenny, has known me since I was in diapers. No joke!
We laugh about it today...so wild that we are on the same journey to healing and freedom.

She is an amazing inspiration to me.

As she has healed and become more aware of her own heart and what brings life to it, she has found that she loves to paint.
This painting that she shared was really powerful to me.
Her and I had, with our hubs, had recently shared a meal, tears, and hearts.
She shared a bit about what this phrase, " Honor your journey" meant to her.
It's 3 words that God has spoken to her heart, and it keeps her centered and moving forward.
I love that.
So here is her painting...
I think it's just lovely, and so powerful all at the same time!


It begs an answer doesn't it?
How am I honoring my journey today?
What does it mean to honor your journey?

Would love to hear your heart and your answers.Click here to read her blog post.

Beautiful day to you.
Amy

Sunday, May 1, 2011

When is it ok to walk away?

I have had alot of conversations this week with someone in my life I dearly love.

She is in a very hard situation in her marriage.
Listening to her and a bit of strong advice her counselor has directed her to do in her marriage today, my stomach turned.
I was shocked.
It felt as tho her counselor and this strong request had completely stripped my friend of all voice and choice in a particular situation in her marriage.

She has a son involved from a first marriage...her counselor and new husband have basically said she needs to send her son away to live with his father permanently, and choose her marriage.

There was no middle ground.
No more conversations.
It's either do this, or choose the end of her marriage.
It's either send your son, or her husband is hitting the road.

Inside I was screaming, "What?!"

As I sit and listen to her, as she cries and tells me how stuck she feels.
I can't help but put myself in her shoes.
Honestly, NOBODY should ever be put in this kind of space. Nobody!
It is seriously the most unkind, and most selfish thing that any person could do.

But as I sat there, and thought on this... it was an easy choice for me.
I would choose my son.
If you are going to put me in this kind of choice, and MAKE me choose, I would choose my son.
I would choose to leave a marriage that doesn't embrace my child AND I.

There's is a whole lot more to the situation obviously, and I don't need to get into that.
But what absolutely floored me was this counselor TELLING my friend what she needed to do.
To me, that is NOT a good counselor.
A good counselor asks great questions of you.
And you, and God in you come to the answers.

So the question I have been thinking on a bit is...
When is it ok to let go of something as big as a marriage, after you have realized that the person you married wasn't the person he portraited himself to be before you were married?

When is it ok to step away from a situation that is toxic and is death, especially when it is a marriage?


I have my thoughts, and they are not at all in line with what my conservative friends would say. As a mother, I can see how easy it would be to let go of such a demanding situation.
To chock it up as a HUGE lesson learned.
From hense forth until my son is on his own, this season is not about me, but about him, and growing him and bringing the best balance I can so that he has equal parts me and his dad.

So so heavy for her.

It makes me wonder if there are situations where people might be married, said the vows, had the sex, played the roles but really never joined hearts and became one?
To ME, marriage is so much more then vows, sex and roles.... it's a nakedness of heart, a vulnerability, a joining of hearts and lives.
And that process is intense.
It's a constant choosing of each other... of choosing to see and WANT the best for each other.
It's of loving even when you don't feel you love... and really being inside someone heart.
I think of my husband, and what we share in our relationship is so intense.
He is in my heart, and I am in his.
I don't worry about him when he isn't with me, because I know that he carries me with him always, and I him.
THAT is marriage to me...but it's taken time, walking life together, a ton of hard work, as well as choosing to come together and not war at each other...of baring all and holding nothing back...

Which brings me to my friend again...
How can you become one with someone who will not reveal their heart to you?
How can you become one with someone who doesn't embrace ALL of you....like my friend here with her son?
How can that oneness happen when there is no nakedness, or vulnerability...or of having a learning heart and a open ness that we make mistakes?

I know she isn't the only one in a situation like this.. I know so many people in marriages like this, and they feel stuck because of what religion has taught them about divorce and marriage.

For me, I don't care what it might be, if a certain person/situation brought continuous death to my heart, and it was a choice of choosing continued death versus life.
I would choose life.

Bit of a rant, I'm afraid....
Amy