Thursday, April 21, 2011

My beef with Facebook.

Oh Facebook... such a love hate relationship we have.

Lately I have been weighing out my Facebook intake... weighing the pro's and the con's.
The positive's and the negatives.
And, to be totally honest, I have received more pain from Facebook then I have received life.
The friends that are true, and genuine relationships continue without Facebook.
We connect over our blogs, phone or for coffee talks.
The friends that are simply just Facebook friendships, stay and go with Facebook.

I was wondering the other day what the pull is for me... I try to step back from FB, and find myself back to my browsing habits.

Then it hit me, I remember the days of being caught up in a chatroom.
And it dawned on me... Facebook feels like a type of glamorized chatroom.
You get sucked in because of the, " What happened while I was away. Who is saying what? What is everybody talking about? What will I miss if I go?" stuff.
I remember being sucked into a chat room years ago, and wasting hours on that damn thing.
But after the euphoria of this new toy wore off, I realized how much time and real life I was wasting.
How easy it was for people to say things they would never say to your face.
Cruel and nasty things.
I realized that people really didn't miss me when I was gone, and that the relationships that I thought were genuine really were not.

Facebook has become like another chat room for me.

So, I have tried a couple of approaches...
I have reeeeally peeled back and cut my friend list down.
Removed people that cause alot of pain in my life and have really thrown daggers at me through the wall and protection of FB.
I have tried to make it a happy place for me with people that I enjoy.
I have taken FB time off.
But I find that I have this internal uneasiness about it.
I find myself, as silly as this might sound, thinking about and fantisizing about living a life without Facebook.

Is it possible?

Oh boy... how crazy is that?

I have struggled to completely let it go for fear of losing relationship with certain ones that live out of state.
But really if I am completely honest, I think it's become a new vice for me.
A new place to hide, and lose myself in other people's life and drama.
Whether I am enjoying a friendship or caught up in why a person isn't talking to me anymore.

It feels so junior high to me.

On a very personal note... Another thing that I feel very strongly about is something that God has been unraveling in me, healing in me... my whole life I was a person that wanted to be pleasing. Being pleasing meant love. Whether it was with people or with God. This has lead me down a long and windy road of becoming the person that people said I should be, of a 100% performance relationship with God, of never ever knowing my own heart, my own heart song, my own desires and gifts and dreams...because I was living everybody else's desires and dreams for me. And it resulted in a slew of mess inside of me...just a huge mess.

This whole unraveling process has been so intense.
Amazing freedom, but intense.
It has really caused me to step back from a lot of the people that I used to spend my time and energy on. Icky, one sided, performance relationships. I have stepped towards new kindred friends with a ton of fear, and have made some amazing connections.
Just having the freedom to NOT choose those relationships anymore was really huge for me.

Ok ok.. so what does this have to do with Facebook... I find that when I am on Facebook, there are people that I am feeling obligated to stay in touch with. People/family that have been so mean and nasty to me, people that judge and accuse, people that I feel stuck having to stay friends with on that darn social network. Out of fear of causes problems in my family.
I have also found that I had met new friends on FB, that again became very one sided on their part, and here I am BACK in that sick kind of friendship again.
And I feel like I am going backwards, and it's pressing on all those newly healed areas.

This decision has been gut wrenching.. maybe it shouldn't...but man, it's been hard!
I have met some amazing people on Facebook as well...beautiful hearted people that I am hoping to stay in contact with outside Facebook...but I have a very sad feeling everything is going to fizzle with them. It's quite amazing how we just can't seem to live without Facebook... we don't connect with people thru email anymore or phone calls... It's, " Hey I messaged ya on FB...did you get my message?"
I totally know how it is, because I have done it too.

Sigh.

When I have taken the time to let it go, and step away for a week here and there... the peace that comes over my mind and heart is unreal.

Maybe it's just how I am wired.
Maybe Facebook is not a place for a person like me.
Maybe it's just for a season.
I know so many people who can just enjoy it, and not get hurt feelings from this or from that.

I don't know.

Do you struggle with this?

6 comments:

  1. Well my darling friend
    I am one of those people who live without face book
    yup I am sometimes bugged about it, but really I have no interest
    for the exact reason you post here...I just don't think that it would be good for me
    even in the blog world..I stay pretty consistent with those whom i connect with and really I am always open for a deep spiritual connection...that is a very gratifying thing and something i totally value
    but in saying that there are time when I need to take a few days off from even looking at others spaces and keep myself centered in the here and now life that is going on around me.
    i am always grateful when i connect with someone like you whom I am able to go deeper with and really know that there is something more than just a surface relationship.....

    I pray you find your own answers to this question Amy...be free!!!

    Love and Light

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  2. ummmm
    so totally yes. i've started and deleted so many facebooks! changed my name, deleted people....it's really so annoying. also how bullyish fb has become really irritates me. i often think along these lines. however i've also met people (like you!) through it. so its such a mixed blessing....

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  3. Cold turkey. FB is an addiction- that is why it is so successful. It appeals to the brains need to feel useful and a part of things yet it is deceptively not what it portrays. You hit the nail on the head. But you have to quit it cold turkey. No more on off approaches. At first you will go thru a natural withdrawal. With addictions they say it takes time and a half as long as you were on whatever to be completely free of it. So if you were on a year- it will take you a year and a half to never feel tempted again. There are other ways to meet neat people. It has contributed to depression, divorce, suicide, jealousy, lost friendships and feelings of isolation.
    I was on for three weeks and it took me 6 weeks to feel free without any loss. I am ok with being the last to know about someones pregnancy- if they are a good friend they should phone me up and tell me themselves. It is a glamourized way for people to feel important- celebrity status in a way. I guess you can tell I hate it. I see nothing good in it. Everyone I know stays on because they say that a few friendships on it they would otherwise not have are worth it. I say if it is that important email them, share pictures through vimeo, or blog but get off the facey...and twitter. We are creating a mess of a world for future generations. I am already finding people are less skilled at normal relationships!

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  4. Ah, Amy, I can relate to the hurt and emotional turmoil. I can recall struggling with the same issues back in the days before FB, when all we had were the various discussion email groups (like Lifestreamjourneys). I've unsubscribed from all the ones that I felt the same way you're feeling about FB. But if I didn't participate in those groups at all, I would not have some of the life-long friends that I have now.

    For me, it comes down to drawing boundaries and making the people around me the priority over the people on the Internet. And for the people on the Internet I also learned to concentrate on the good and uplifting relationships, like what we have, and let go of the ones that seem to care more about controlling and correcting me than getting to know me (the joy robbers, I call them, LOL).

    As people with sensitive hearts, we can't help but get hurt when people carelessly wound us. I've learned there's no way to not feel the pain, because to do so, I would have to close my heart to other feelings too, like love and deep compassion. I just ride with the waves, and don't let the turkeys get me down too much. It gets easier with time, in terms of getting over the hurt, but the intensity of the pain, as far as I can tell, hasn't gone down a whole lot over the years.

    Take a break as you feel you must, Amy. And if you never return to FB, our friendship will still remain. As one of your out-of-state friends, I will miss your "Good Morning" when I log on to FB in the morning, but I also understand why you need to go away. FB is just a small part of my life. You are in my life for good, Amy, and I will keep in touch via emails and our blogs.

    Someday, I'd really like to meet you in real life too.

    Enjoy your freedom!

    Love,

    Sophie

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  5. I struggle with fb constantly. I have deleted my account so many times and had felt a strong urge to not be a part of it this year. Then the earthquake happens and I needed the connection (or did I?) I know it's an excuse but feels like a good one at the time! Thankyou for sharing this post it is very timely for me

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  6. I can so relate. I have had to set boundaries because I wound so easily. I've deleted people who I've given the benefit of the doubt, only to be hurt time and time again by them. The worst part about it is that then I feel guilty. It's a sick game I play. Thanks for keeping it real Amy.

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