Oh Facebook... such a love hate relationship we have.
Lately I have been weighing out my Facebook intake... weighing the pro's and the con's.
The positive's and the negatives.
And, to be totally honest, I have received more pain from Facebook then I have received life.
The friends that are true, and genuine relationships continue without Facebook.
We connect over our blogs, phone or for coffee talks.
The friends that are simply just Facebook friendships, stay and go with Facebook.
I was wondering the other day what the pull is for me... I try to step back from FB, and find myself back to my browsing habits.
Then it hit me, I remember the days of being caught up in a chatroom.
And it dawned on me... Facebook feels like a type of glamorized chatroom.
You get sucked in because of the, " What happened while I was away. Who is saying what? What is everybody talking about? What will I miss if I go?" stuff.
I remember being sucked into a chat room years ago, and wasting hours on that damn thing.
But after the euphoria of this new toy wore off, I realized how much time and real life I was wasting.
How easy it was for people to say things they would never say to your face.
Cruel and nasty things.
I realized that people really didn't miss me when I was gone, and that the relationships that I thought were genuine really were not.
Facebook has become like another chat room for me.
So, I have tried a couple of approaches...
I have reeeeally peeled back and cut my friend list down.
Removed people that cause alot of pain in my life and have really thrown daggers at me through the wall and protection of FB.
I have tried to make it a happy place for me with people that I enjoy.
I have taken FB time off.
But I find that I have this internal uneasiness about it.
I find myself, as silly as this might sound, thinking about and fantisizing about living a life without Facebook.
Is it possible?
Oh boy... how crazy is that?
I have struggled to completely let it go for fear of losing relationship with certain ones that live out of state.
But really if I am completely honest, I think it's become a new vice for me.
A new place to hide, and lose myself in other people's life and drama.
Whether I am enjoying a friendship or caught up in why a person isn't talking to me anymore.
It feels so junior high to me.
On a very personal note... Another thing that I feel very strongly about is something that God has been unraveling in me, healing in me... my whole life I was a person that wanted to be pleasing. Being pleasing meant love. Whether it was with people or with God. This has lead me down a long and windy road of becoming the person that people said I should be, of a 100% performance relationship with God, of never ever knowing my own heart, my own heart song, my own desires and gifts and dreams...because I was living everybody else's desires and dreams for me. And it resulted in a slew of mess inside of me...just a huge mess.
This whole unraveling process has been so intense.
Amazing freedom, but intense.
It has really caused me to step back from a lot of the people that I used to spend my time and energy on. Icky, one sided, performance relationships. I have stepped towards new kindred friends with a ton of fear, and have made some amazing connections.
Just having the freedom to NOT choose those relationships anymore was really huge for me.
Ok ok.. so what does this have to do with Facebook... I find that when I am on Facebook, there are people that I am feeling obligated to stay in touch with. People/family that have been so mean and nasty to me, people that judge and accuse, people that I feel stuck having to stay friends with on that darn social network. Out of fear of causes problems in my family.
I have also found that I had met new friends on FB, that again became very one sided on their part, and here I am BACK in that sick kind of friendship again.
And I feel like I am going backwards, and it's pressing on all those newly healed areas.
This decision has been gut wrenching.. maybe it shouldn't...but man, it's been hard!
I have met some amazing people on Facebook as well...beautiful hearted people that I am hoping to stay in contact with outside Facebook...but I have a very sad feeling everything is going to fizzle with them. It's quite amazing how we just can't seem to live without Facebook... we don't connect with people thru email anymore or phone calls... It's, " Hey I messaged ya on FB...did you get my message?"
I totally know how it is, because I have done it too.
When I have taken the time to let it go, and step away for a week here and there... the peace that comes over my mind and heart is unreal.
Maybe it's just how I am wired.
Maybe Facebook is not a place for a person like me.
Maybe it's just for a season.
I know so many people who can just enjoy it, and not get hurt feelings from this or from that.
I don't know.
Do you struggle with this?