Monday, March 7, 2011
I really need to get to this space more often and write.
I have so many things knocking around in my head and heart these days or I will get really excited about a new revelation and need someone to share it with... and this space is the perfect place for that. :)
I am home today with my little girl who is "icky picky" she says, and now the momma is starting to feel icky picky myself. :P
But I wanted to share about the peace that is settling more and more in me.... like honey through the cracks of my heart. Like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me.
To be honest, it's not a peace that I would have even known how to give definition to.
It's a peace that in it's self is holistic...it's whole-listic.
It's here with me in the midst of a lot of questions without answers.
It's here with me in my being upside down and inside out on a whole lot of issues.
It's just here.
I like it.
I like that it is not fleeting.
I like that it's settling inside me, in really deep spaces, and it's not leaving no matter the outside situations.
I asked myself today, "What has changed? Why now? Why has this peace come now like this?"
(I adore hard questions like that...do you?
Questions that dig deep.)
I think for me I have just come to a big resounding space of accepting life as a mystery.
I have realized that it's ok that there are a whole lot of things that I will probably never have a conclusion or answer to, and realizing that is ok.
It's good. It's beneficial. It's why we have the word "mystery" in the first place, you know?
For so long I have fought against that... trying to make everything make sense, and fit in my perfect little box world.
But now that I am outside the box more and more, I see that everything doesn't have to look so pretty and perfect.
That there is beauty in the imperfection.... in the faults... in the hard seasons... there is beauty to be found.
There is Truth to be found.
There is Love to be found.
I really like this space.
I really like that there is freedom to be, to feel, to fail, to make the most God awful mistakes, to fall on my face, to get angry, to vent, to be raw and down right not politically correct, to be content with my life, to raise and educate my kids knowing I am equipped with all that they need, to be a working mom or to not be a working mom, to love passionately the people God puts organically in my life, to not feel anymore obligation to be or do or act how others want me to, but to be me, and to embrace THIS life that I have been given, and walk it out with a very real and present God.
This freedom feels more like permission really.
A permission that I have NEVER had before because it was looked at as weak, ungodly, and absolutely unacceptable.
But realizing lately that the desire I have for freedom and life really can't come unless I let go of all that crazy, truly emotionally constipating, boxed in mindset.
Living outside the box, is amazing!
Now let me tell you, it was really scary at first... oh my gosh! So scary... but once I started just walking forward, and away more and more from the boxed way of thinking and living, I realized all that I have ever needed and will ever need is right here.
It's here in me.
It's Jesus in me.
It's Him working in me to continually draw me out into His light.
The real me. The true me that He created, and intended me.
Life looks so different out here.
It's a journey. It's motion. It's movement. It's growing. It's seasons. It's change. It's light. It's quietness. It's not comparing. It's being. It's loving. It's letting go. It's freedom. It's worthy. It's belonging. It's wholehearted. It's alive. It's awake. It's fullness. It's community. It's...
It's truly wonderful.
Peace... true peace I have always longed for has come, and it's made it's home in my heart.
I am so glad it's here.
My heart was made for it.
And it was made for me.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Drink it in and soak it in today.... peace to you today, my friends.