Saturday, March 26, 2011

In the quiet and listening...uncovering shame

Sitting here outside this morning.... in the beauty of this Saturday morning.
My kids are busy doing their own things, and I have some time to journal out some feelings that have been ever present this morning.

It's been a really busy week.
I recently started working again...it's been a long time. I mean I have had my own little self employed jobs over the years to bring in extra monies, but not an actual clock in and clock out kinda job. It's been at least 10 years.
So this was the start of that officially this week.
As well as hosting out of town guests, making big meals, chatting until late at night, etc....
I have had NO quiet at all this week, other then stealing away and reading a bit before bed...which lasts all of 5 minutes and I can't keep my eyes open... only to start it all over again in the morning.
No journalling time... no Abba time... no nada.

It's been a great week, just a busy, full, life change kinda week.

This Saturday morning, I still have my guests here with me, but it's slower paced.
As I am sipping on my coffee and getting breakfast ready, I can feel some really strong stuff coming up from with in me.
Emotions. Insecurities. Shame.

It's crazy how slowing down, and quiet can bring those up.
I don't mind anymore tho.
They are welcome friends that have to be heard, seen, and validated.

(A side note: I have been wanting to share a book with you that I have been reading that is amazing! It's called, The Gifts of Imperfections" written by Brene' Brown .
Highly recommend!! Alot of what I am sharing in this post were some skills that Brene' talks about in the book. Some I knew already, but other's were refreshingly new to me.)

As busy as this past week was, my heart has been so filled with a vast and huge awareness lately of God's love.
Seriously feeling Him just douse me constantly in it.
I am so grateful for that today.
The quiet moments in the car, while I am on my way to work, have been moments filled with His love surrounding me... quite awesome truly!

But this morning some hard feelings came up. Feelings I think have been there waiting all week to speak, but just waiting under the surface for me to have the space to listen.
So I am.
Outside... me, my journal, and God.

I have learned that to not listen to my heart, and to my emotions and feelings is literally to drown myself... it produces the most vile and poisonous fruit in me.
So instead of shoving them down, I am learning to listen to them.
When I do, God can take them and bring me greater understanding of myself, but also of Him and HIs heart and His truth.

So, in listening this morning, haunting thoughts and strong feelings of insecurities, perceptions and speculations come up.
ALOT of speculations and perceiving what probably, in all honesty, isn't really there.
About important people in my life...relationships that are important.
Expectations not met.
You know the stuff.

But then a question comes from inside,

"Why do you care, Amy? Why does that produce such insecurity in you?
Even if that was ALL true of those people, WHY do you care so much about that?


My answer.
Because it confirms what I fear to be true about me... that I am bad.
That Amy is really truely bad.

Which going deeper means that I am not worthy of love or of belonging. That something is permanently wrong with me, and that I am not enough.

Shame.

That is the lie that shame speaks to me.
The lie that Amy is bad... who I AM is bad...everything about me is bad. The lie that that authentic Amy isn't enough.
To tell you the truth, I am a bit shocked at this. "Where did this come from?", was my initial thought.

But really, come on.. it's no surprise.
-New job... nervous and insecure learning a ton of new stuff, new computer program, major stepping out my comfort zone this week with that.
-Guests in town.. wanting to love on them, and make sure they are taken care of.
Having my quiet spaces taken up because guests are staying in the rooms.
-Being overtired just do to staying up later then I normally do and getting up early.
- Sick kids this week.

Just the combination of all that, and for some reason I have looked around me at the important people in my life, and their lack of communication or affirmation or whatever, and it has spoken back to me, " Yep..we are not happy with you. You are indeed bad."

And it devastates my heart. That lie believed in me is pure devastation.

And in all the craziness, shame comes back and says, "See, it's true. You really are bad. Even they think so."

But before I could go down that whole yucky road, thank God, He spoke to me and asked that quesiton... "Why do you care so much, Amy?"

That uncovered what was REALLY going on tho.

I am so grateful that Wisdom lives in my heart, and that He has taught me to hear Him.
Oh thankYou, God.. I am so thankful for that!

His question jolted me out of that cycle that could have gone to yucky places...
It caused me to look at all that stuff, all the mental places my mind was going, and ask the question of that... " Why do you care about that so much? Why does what they think matter so much? What is that saying to you? What is REALLY going on?"
It's amazing how a question from God, as simple as that, can unfold and unfold and unfold.
It uncovered the root of everything that I was feeling and it was shame.

Well, phew! :)

Only shame right?

lol!
Yeah... only shame!
Realizing that it is JUST shame helps me, because I have realized something about shame.
All that shame can do is LIE.
It never tells the truth.

And honestly, the best way to get rid of shame and deflate it is to tell your story.. to talk about it. Which is exactly what I am doing right now with you.
Just taking the time to share it with you, has deflated it big time.

Gheeze, just realizing what it is really deflated it, but sharing it here as brought it down even more.

I am going to actually call someone today, and share voice to voice.
We all know that a true face to face, or voice to voice connection is the greatest way to connect with a person.
Tho virtual world has been a blessing to my life through the people I have met.
I am always amazed at where shame creeps up...and when it creeps up in me.
Just wanted to share. It's been awhile, and was thinking about you, my friends.
Hoping you get some quiet and open space today...in the midst of the craziness of life... it's so good for the heart and the soul.

Hugs.. Amy

Monday, March 7, 2011

Peaceful

4 beauties.



I really need to get to this space more often and write.

I have so many things knocking around in my head and heart these days or I will get really excited about a new revelation and need someone to share it with... and this space is the perfect place for that. :)

I am home today with my little girl who is "icky picky" she says, and now the momma is starting to feel icky picky myself. :P

But I wanted to share about the peace that is settling more and more in me.... like honey through the cracks of my heart. Like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me.

To be honest, it's not a peace that I would have even known how to give definition to.
It's a peace that in it's self is holistic...it's whole-listic.
It's here with me in the midst of a lot of questions without answers.
It's here with me in my being upside down and inside out on a whole lot of issues.
It's just here.

I like it.
I like that it is not fleeting.
I like that it's settling inside me, in really deep spaces, and it's not leaving no matter the outside situations.

I asked myself today, "What has changed? Why now? Why has this peace come now like this?"

hmmmm...

(I adore hard questions like that...do you?
Questions that dig deep.)

Tree <3

I think for me I have just come to a big resounding space of accepting life as a mystery.
I have realized that it's ok that there are a whole lot of things that I will probably never have a conclusion or answer to, and realizing that is ok.
It's good. It's beneficial. It's why we have the word "mystery" in the first place, you know?

For so long I have fought against that... trying to make everything make sense, and fit in my perfect little box world.
But now that I am outside the box more and more, I see that everything doesn't have to look so pretty and perfect.
That there is beauty in the imperfection.... in the faults... in the hard seasons... there is beauty to be found.
There is Truth to be found.
There is Love to be found.

I really like this space.
I really like that there is freedom to be, to feel, to fail, to make the most God awful mistakes, to fall on my face, to get angry, to vent, to be raw and down right not politically correct, to be content with my life, to raise and educate my kids knowing I am equipped with all that they need, to be a working mom or to not be a working mom, to love passionately the people God puts organically in my life, to not feel anymore obligation to be or do or act how others want me to, but to be me, and to embrace THIS life that I have been given, and walk it out with a very real and present God.
This freedom feels more like permission really.
A permission that I have NEVER had before because it was looked at as weak, ungodly, and absolutely unacceptable.

But realizing lately that the desire I have for freedom and life really can't come unless I let go of all that crazy, truly emotionally constipating, boxed in mindset.

Poppy <3

Living outside the box, is amazing!
Now let me tell you, it was really scary at first... oh my gosh! So scary... but once I started just walking forward, and away more and more from the boxed way of thinking and living, I realized all that I have ever needed and will ever need is right here.
It's here in me.
It's Jesus in me.
It's Him working in me to continually draw me out into His light.
The real me. The true me that He created, and intended me.

Life looks so different out here.

It's a journey. It's motion. It's movement. It's growing. It's seasons. It's change. It's light. It's quietness. It's not comparing. It's being. It's loving. It's letting go. It's freedom. It's worthy. It's belonging. It's wholehearted. It's alive. It's awake. It's fullness. It's community. It's...

It's..

It's truly wonderful.

Daisies

Peace... true peace I have always longed for has come, and it's made it's home in my heart.
I am so glad it's here.
My heart was made for it.
And it was made for me.

Jesus said,

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
"
John 14:28

Drink it in and soak it in today.... peace to you today, my friends.

:)