Nothing more then feelings....
whoa whoa whoa....
Whoa WHOA WHOA....
Feeling of the day: sadness and loss.
Trying to welcome it today.
To feel it today.
To just be.
Hiding, disconnecting, numbing is the name of the game tho... it's automatic for me.
"What... what is that knocking at my door??"
I peak through a crack...
GASP.... it's sadness...
But today I opened the door.
Come on in.
As silly as this sounds, this is where I am right now in this space of my life.
I am sitting with sadness, and I asked it, " Why? Why are you here? Why are you sad?"
"Loss", it says.
"Grieving", it says.
It turns and asks me a question...
"Amy, when were you last really, genuinely happy?
When did you have joy overflowing in you?"
I can't remember.
I don't know.
So today I am taking time to choose life.
I am choosing to not shut down feelings and emotions.
I am choosing to feel them today.
It's everything in me to not open up that door, grab sadness by the neck and toss it outside.
I do that by keeping my mind distracted with noise.
I do it by eating.
I do it by keeping myself busy.
But today, I want to choose differently.
I want to choose to sit with it today, to slow my pace down, to have a cup of tea with it (love that from my friend Cat.)
Just be, and resist the urge to shut it down.
Funny thing is, as I sit here and take the time to feel it and listen to it..
Me, God and this sadness..
I listen to it, and realize it's been here for a very long time.
Wanting...no needing to be heard.
To be felt and validated.
It's a deep sorrow.
It's an ache that is rooted deep.
It speaks of lost dreams, and unmet expectations.
Expectations of myself and of others.
It speaks of relationships that will never be what I would hope them to be.
It speaks of a deep down regret of all the years I have been asleep and hiding from my life.
The only one that I get.
Time that is forever lost.
It speaks of how I have let people dictate who I am, and what I do.
I hope I am not here for long... I can feel myself squirm, and shift as I sit here.
It's really uncomfortable, but I don't want to miss this moment.
Of feeling the sorrow.
Of grieving those things, years, people, relationships that are lost.
Of letting it go.
Of forgiving myself.
And of standing up, and walking forward.
So, I think I will take the time to be here with this sadness... not hurry it, as hard as this is.
It's going to be worth it.
For freedom's sake...for life's sake.