Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Love

Had an interesting last couple of days... just processing some conversations, and hurts that have come up in my heart from the actions of others.
Old, ugly voices that had been put on mute, all of sudden were back... like someone un-uted them.
Accusing voices, mean words, harsh tones... just speaking lies to my heart.
I know what I needed.
I so needed to connect with my Abba God.
To hear my His heart on the matter.
To hear His heart towards me.
What does He see in me?

Do you ever just desperately NEED that reassurance from Him?

I do ALOT!

Yesterday I felt a particular pull to my piano.... to just sit and play what was in my heart.
So that's what I did.
There is something about music that is doorway for me... to shut out all the voices in my head, and connect with my Father.
I don't think it's that He has gone, and left me to my circumstances.
Or that He isn't with me...
I think it's just that my brain is screaming at me, and I can't see or feel Him.
Doesn't mean He isn't there, it's just the fact that I am the distracted one.

Make sense?

Anywho, as I played, I started to feel a love so great and so huge envelope me..
I could hear His heart towards me.... like waves it washed over me....
The comfort I had been walking around needing....
The reassurance that I needed.
Woosh... there it was.

Now it doesn't always happen when I sit at the piano, but this particular day, I felt He wanted to meet me there through it.

Words that kept coming to my heart were,
"Just be, Amy... Just be."
"Your Father loves you, Your Father loves you.... just be."
"He calls you His heart... He calls you His heart."

Just over and over again, like a wave, repetitive, and cyclical... those phrases kept coming and washing over me.

So whatever was weighing down my heart....whatever questions I had in me must have needed to hear this...because the heaviness was gone... just dropped off like dead weight.

Huge sigh.

I came away, and immediately I started thanking God for His love... thankyou for meeting me in that hard space, God... thankyou for loving me.. etc....

And I heard Him as clear as day...abruptly say, " Stop. Stop thanking me for loving you. I love you because I choose to love you...it's not a favor or a good deed...it's not in pity that I extend love... No, I love you because you are mine, and I find great delight in you. Just be and rest in me... rest in my love. It's yours, Amy. Don't thank me for it, just receive it and be in it."

Whoa.

How many times have I done that? A million and one?
Thanked God for loving me...thanked God for meeting me in my grief.. but not because my heart was filled with gratitude...that's different... what He spoke to was religious jargen that I had always been taught God liked, or that I was supposed to do.
He called it out.

Whoa.

Another pair of religious chains fell off... clink clink... on to the floor.

(smiles and tears)

A little about this blog...

Just some words for anybody that is stopping by this blog for the first time or the millioneth time.

I love to write.
It's a really powerful processing tool for me.
This blog is that space... a space that I have made to write and to give my heart a voice and an outlet to process and share.
If you want to argue and sling poo, this isn't the space for that.
Conversations are welcome, but poo slinging is not.
I will delete any unkind, argumentative, "I am right and you are wrong", type comment.


Conversation, yes.

Arguments, no.

I love to share and talk with each other, but I won't have any body being hurt and torn up here, myself or anybody else.

Because this is a pretty raw and real part of my heart, there will be times where my tone might feel a bit upset, or vent'y like.
Please please understant, this isn't personal to you, your church, your religion, your heart... this is just me hashing out this messy walk and journey with God.
It's messy.
It ain't pretty all the time.

Anywho, just wanted to share that little bit there.
I am having a hard couple days of just realizing some hard truths about people that I love, but really don't want relationship anymore. They just want to sling poo over their little walls. Makes me sad.

Amy