Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Fear

My blog name is Amy the Free.... but another word that is coming very quickly right up along side of Free, is Fearless.

Fear.

Fear has been a constant presence in my life, for as long as I can remember.

As a matter of fact, fear, shame, and guilt. I like to call them the 3 amigos, but I will save that for another post.

Having been walking this new life out with Abba, I have come to such a HUGE revelation of the words,

" Perfect love casts out all fear...because fear has to do with punishment."


I AM STARTING TO GET IT NOW!

My life was run by fear.
Fear of being unpleasant to my parents.
Fear of being unpleasant and not pleasing God.
Wanting to do what was 'right', so that I didn't displease ANYBODY.
I became what I thought was right....
I shoved my heart into all kinds of different molds to do what was right...

Aaaall of who Amy became at 30 years of age was all due to wanting to be wherever the "right" side was.
If I was there, then I would be pleasing to people and God, and therefore not going to hell...not being out in the open away from God's umbrella of protection.

Doing wrong = Not pleasing to God
Doing wrong = No favor from God
Doing wrong = No protection from God

So my life's goal became to just always stay on the side of what was good and right.
But the problem is, good and right always seemed to change.

What is good and right?

To answer this question, became my life's purpose.

Always searching... always looking...

For example:

Oh, look at Julie, her life is all put together.. what is she doing?

Ok, Julie get's up everyday early early, has her quiet time, doesn't drink coffee but tea... she sews and chooses to be joyful all the time. Ok, I am going to do that.

Oh, and there is Bill... he has such peace and settledness in his life, what is he doing?

Ok, Bill spends an hour praying every morning, AND an hour reading the Bible.
Ok, I am going to do that.

Oh! There's Jane.... she has it all together. Her kids are so well behaved. Oh look! She is so organized.... she seems to just always be so peaceful, and so put together. What does she do?
She homeschools her children, let's God plan her family for her, has her own garden, bakes all her own breads and makes her children's clothes. Ok, I am going to do that.

And if I couldn't achieve all of what I saw that person do, the guilt and the shame came right on in.

It's madness!

I think if a person did hand stands everyday, and jumped on one foot, and yoddled 10 times, I would have done it if they looked like what I thought a good and pleasing child of God looked like.
Sad, but true.

So there was never any sense of peace, or rest, or just being ok in my relationship with God.
Never just "being" ok.

I think the sad sad part is that I didn't even know that I was doing it, until the day God flicked on the light. It was such a ingrained behavior. I think I still do it in areas.

Part 2 to be continued.....

5 comments:

  1. It is a beautiful freeing experience discovering the truth about God's love for us. When one experiences it for themselves it is truly amazing!
    I am so glad you are finding your freedom, peace, and joy Amy. It is completely expressed through your pictures too and now I am blessed with getting to read your writings. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. Amy, I am a lot like you I think. Another verse that comes to my mind about Fear, is the one that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind.

    Once someone belongs to Jesus, fear is not *from* God.

    This is such an important truth, but living in that reality, well, can be "scary" LOL!

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  3. I love this sooo true.. had and am having a similar journey.. thanks Amy... I have more peace, love and joy the less I compare myself to others.. I was just saying this to my brother then I came upon your blog... confirmation big time... thanks.. :) <3

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  4. Amy have you been living in my life? You couldn't have said it more clearly. There are times when things will trigger and I fall back into the legalistic walk with God and I have to refocus to get back in GRACE. I am also reminded that I cannot use God's grace as a ticket to do whatever I so choose. Thanks for being so open and honest in your walk and sharing it with us. I love you sweetheart. Shirley

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  5. amy, i love that scripture.. perfect love.. i have been on a wandering wilderness journey.. i am so so grateful to have met you. love knowing that you are moving towards the beauty of who you were and ARE created to be!! for ALL of us to enjoy and love and cherish..

    you go GIRL!!!!

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