Fear has been a constant presence in my life, for as long as I can remember.
As a matter of fact, fear, shame, and guilt. I like to call them the 3 amigos, but I will save that for another post.
Having been walking this new life out with Abba, I have come to such a HUGE revelation of the words,
" Perfect love casts out all fear...because fear has to do with punishment."
I AM STARTING TO GET IT NOW!
My life was run by fear.
Fear of being unpleasant to my parents.
Fear of being unpleasant and not pleasing God.
Wanting to do what was 'right', so that I didn't displease ANYBODY.
I became what I thought was right....
I shoved my heart into all kinds of different molds to do what was right...
Aaaall of who Amy became at 30 years of age was all due to wanting to be wherever the "right" side was.
If I was there, then I would be pleasing to people and God, and therefore not going to hell...not being out in the open away from God's umbrella of protection.
Doing wrong = Not pleasing to God
Doing wrong = No favor from God
Doing wrong = No protection from God
So my life's goal became to just always stay on the side of what was good and right.
But the problem is, good and right always seemed to change.
What is good and right?
To answer this question, became my life's purpose.
Always searching... always looking...
Oh, look at Julie, her life is all put together.. what is she doing?
Ok, Julie get's up everyday early early, has her quiet time, doesn't drink coffee but tea... she sews and chooses to be joyful all the time. Ok, I am going to do that.
Oh, and there is Bill... he has such peace and settledness in his life, what is he doing?
Ok, Bill spends an hour praying every morning, AND an hour reading the Bible.
Ok, I am going to do that.
Oh! There's Jane.... she has it all together. Her kids are so well behaved. Oh look! She is so organized.... she seems to just always be so peaceful, and so put together. What does she do?
She homeschools her children, let's God plan her family for her, has her own garden, bakes all her own breads and makes her children's clothes. Ok, I am going to do that.
And if I couldn't achieve all of what I saw that person do, the guilt and the shame came right on in.
I think if a person did hand stands everyday, and jumped on one foot, and yoddled 10 times, I would have done it if they looked like what I thought a good and pleasing child of God looked like.
Sad, but true.
So there was never any sense of peace, or rest, or just being ok in my relationship with God.
Never just "being" ok.
I think the sad sad part is that I didn't even know that I was doing it, until the day God flicked on the light. It was such a ingrained behavior. I think I still do it in areas.
Part 2 to be continued.....